Waking Dreams: November 2008

excerpts from "Can't Take The Pain"
by Third Day

The second weekend of November started at a men’s retreat. At one point a very successful businessman who is going to retire soon, related a conversation with his wife, where he was mentioning things he had accomplished during his career. She said “So?” He wasn’t being arrogant & she wasn’t being critical, it was just a conversation between a couple that had been married for many years. But it made him think, ‘what is important? Really important?’. After he was done speaking, I told him the question my father asked my mother before he died. He asked her, “Was I a good man?” …He was. But the point here is when it all comes down to it, what takes up our time, what we worry the most about, and what we think is important throughout our daily lives rarely matters at all.

With that weekend lessons in my arsenal of experiences I went to the mountains to get away, but not just escape. There was a higher purpose to my flight. Yes I did want to escape the day-to-day grind, the hectic-ness of always being busy, the unavoidable pressures that come with anyone’s life. I needed rest. But my visit to Roan Mountain was more than an escape. It was a holy quest. And this quest had many hopes & expectations.
I wanted GOD to speak to me. I wanted Him to show me what He wanted me to do in reference to my vocation; I wanted Him to help me improve my relationship with my family, I wanted to see Him more clearly, although I had no idea of what that entailed.

Well, part of my quest had started a few weeks ago (possibly longer). I had begun to search ‘who I am’ in regards to my talents, strengths & gifts, as well as problem issues, incorrect ‘ways of thinking’, sins, etc. I wanted to know ‘how I became the guy I was, so I could become the man GOD wants me to be. This came later in my life than I would have hoped, but that doesn’t matter, I couldn’t do anything but move forward anyway (better to strive for it now than later, or worse …. Never make the attempt).
For the past few weeks I’ve been going to the group meeting ‘Men’s Fraternity’ called “The Quest For Authentic Manhood”, going to a Christian counselor, reading many books that have delved into much of what I have been searching for and finally spending as much time as would allow to ponder & pray about all this new information. One of the books I read was one that is out of print: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton. After you read the 3rd chapter, you go to a website & enter a code that comes with the book, then you take a ‘strength’ test to find out what your top five strengths are & what they mean. I received my ‘top five’ & considered what I found. After I finished that book, I started “Living The Life You Were Meant To Live” by Tom Patterson. It is supposed to give you “a new perspective on your life so that you will value yourself as a unique creation of GOD and know that you were designed & destined to a unique purpose by GOD” through the ‘LifePlanning’ process. Anyway, I was totally placid with my mood, very cerebral: not too high, nor too low, I just was. In the midst of reading this book, the author writes about ‘turning points’ in our life. One of his was when one of his sons died after trying to save another man after their amphibious aircraft crashed right after takeoff. They were on a fishing trip in Alaska & because he was wearing his waders, they filled with water & he drowned. Do you know what his last words were? He didn’t call for his mother or curse GOD. Quite the contrary. With his dying breath he cried out:

“Dear Jesus, I love You!”

…..At the moment of reading those beautiful words, the Holy Spirit came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I have never felt a collision so suddenly and with such a power of His presence in my entire life. And it was so unexpected. My response was so much more than emotional. It shook my very core, the very essence of my being. With my head bowed, I fell to my knees & cried like a man with no shame…

No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone

And I continued to sob. All the while accepting His love & crying out to him that I loved Him in return. Again & again I cried out to Him the love that I feel for Him. No restraint. Just pure worship, at least as pure as this mortal flesh can express. Raising my head & arms up to heaven, praising Christ, a smile began to stretch across my face, and laughter burst from within. I laughed out loud with joy I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. It was truth. And joy unspeakable. Up close & personal. It was a revelation of a clearer glimpse of who He is, not who I tend to assume Him to be. He was telling me “I love you! The past is gone, you are forgiven… forgive yourself. I’ve seen your tears & know your tumultuous heart; I’ve heard your cries to me, your supplications, & I have listened. So now listen to Me! I love you! I do not change. I am. I love you in spite of your shortcomings, bad judgments, foolishness, mistakes……your sins. I love you. I really love you. So trust Me.”

I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you,
You know I do, Lord

Not the answers I was looking for, but the answer I needed. The funny thing is, I knew all those things. But I struggled, (even more than I knew) with truly believing it with such depth. It was a reminder & a deeper understanding of lessons already learned. Heart knowledge. Transformation took place. I’ve often told people about a sermon I once heard about my namesake David (the first true King of Israel) The speaker (on tape) was conveying the truth of how no matter how many battles David won, no matter how blessed he was, how many perks came with ‘being King’, and no matter how many times or how badly he sinned; the one thing that ultimately mattered to him was how he stood before GOD. His relationship with his GOD. What was really important to me is my relationship with Christ. He loves me unconditionally. He loves us all unconditionally. Everything else follows that fact. How that ‘well known’ truth hit me personally & powerfully, alone in a little cabin at the base of Roan Mountain on a Tuesday night, November 11, 2008.

So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only tow roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved

“No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

And if you try sometime you find,

You get what you need”

by The Rolling Stones

That is true, although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I spent five days alone on Roan Mountain searching for things beyond my grasp.

Direction.

Understanding.

Hope.

And rest.

At least mental & physical rest. I knew my expectations were high, but I thought, ‘might as well shoot for the moon.

What I received was a mixture of a few answers scattered among more questions. Fortunately, I’m starting to ask better questions as I make my way through this journey of what I’ll call ‘My Awakening’. I tried to delve into 'who I am', 'who I was', but mainly 'who I am supposed to be' and 'where do I need to go'. The story of this past week will unfold in its own time. And so will the answers to my questions.

The fog of confusion lifts to reveal some simple truths...