A Rant

I’m pissed. Yeah I said “Pissed”!

A ‘good’ Christian isn’t supposed to cuss. Well, I’m not a ‘good’ Christian. I’ll remind all those voices in my head from the past that even Jesus said there’s no one ‘good’ but GOD. You ‘holier than thou’ Pharisees! I’ve listened to all your crap my whole life and believed it, even contributed to it! It has done nothing good for me or the people around me. Paper/plastic lives, mine and yours. We walk the walk, talk the talk, everything is good in our ’christian world’. No more than topsoil. Algae-like scum on the surface of a pond. Instead of diving deep together in the ocean of life, we have stagnated on the small surface of our own personal little ponds, all the while thinking so much of ourselves. What fools we have been! Continuing on in this fallacy!

Oh how I have tried to do ‘right’. Think ‘right’. Be ‘right’. I can’t. The Bible says so. I know it. I’ve probably always ‘known’ it. But I could never break free of the specter of my past of who I am ‘supposed’ to be. Why haven’t I seen this before? I mean ‘really’ see all this for what it is. I saw glimpses. I can’t deny that. Why didn’t I stop & take the time to see the truth of the matter. For what it really is. I was fooling myself into listening to them, to myself, to Satan’s lies. And not to You. Why didn’t I ask good questions? Break the cycle?

I loved my earthly father. He wasn’t perfect…..I knew that, but he did the best he could. And that was better than most. I have been so blessed to have been born in the family I was born in. But I realized a couple of days ago that I was angry at my dad. Angry at myself. Why didn’t you tell me about at least some of this crap that you knew I would face? You didn’t tell me about the ‘facts of life’. I had to find out in an encyclopedia. I was alone. At age thirteen, you told me to read Proverbs. No interaction. No explanation. No conversation. The main theme I took away from reading that? Stay away from ‘harlots’. Meanwhile at church, I’m hearing how vile & disgusting we are if we didn’t ‘get right with God’. And it wasn’t enough to ‘be at church every time the doors are open’, I was supposed to ‘want to’. A bad attitude was ‘unChristian-like’ or not enough……or maybe, just maybe I wasn’t a Christian at all! “ Don’t you know boy? You can’t serve GOD if you’re sinning!” “Gotta be washed clean!” Then you can. Then everything will be alrighT! “Once you’re saved, you are a new creature, you won’t do all those terrible things you used to do. Heck, you want even want to!” What a bill of goods.

Dad, you were silent. Just like Adam. And I was too much of a prideful coward to ask ‘why’. So I continued the cycle. You grew up following the depression, your dad died when you were six. You didn’t have a strong positive male role model, mentor, or confidant. So the cycle started. Yours was ‘the greatest generation’ and in a lot of ways I agree. But with that came a huge responsibility. You wanted the best for your children, like any generation. But how to give them that and teach them the lessons you learned through the hardships your generation faced? So you did the best you could, but we couldn’t relate to you because we grew up in the midst of the blessings you received for the character your generation showed during all of your hardships. So like the spoiled children we were/are, we acted out. Each mini-generation thinks itself smarter & better than the one before. How arrogant we have become. How self-involved. How foolish.

What’s my excuse? I have none. None of us do. Every generation, every person has their own struggles, hardships, obstacles, challenges & sins to overcome. But we can’t do it alone. We don’t have to. I don’t have to. I know I’m just as guilty as any other man that has lived on this Earth excluding Jesus. I’m no better or worse than anyone else. It's only through Him that I'm alive. Really 'alive'.

You put me on this Earth around 5pm December 3,1966. And it is for Your glory that I am here. Tired. Frustrated. Bedraggled. Burnt-out. Unholy. Still prideful. I’m a poser, a ‘Ragamuffin, and a ‘Samson’. But I’m Yours. My best hopes in this life ironically enough is to be a 'David'. All my past experiences, frustrations, victories, failures, lessons, & time itself has brought me to this point. Right here, right now. Now, what do I do with that? How can I magnify You and not me? How can I bring You glory?

Tell me....

Show me....

Please Lord....

Fishing

So many preachers, evangelists, lay people, etc. throughout the years have become 'fishers of men' by using 'dynamite' rather than 'nets'. What I mean is, they preach using the standard 'turn or burn' mentality without the love & caring that Jesus exemplified in His life. If salvation takes place at all, the new person is left 'blown away' by the experience with no idea of what to do next. They are 'in', so now they just make it through life. How sad that so many Christians have no idea of what it means to 'abide' in Him. And I believe I'm one too.

'Never Married' Rant

I had dinner last night with a good friend that I haven't spent any time with in a long while. It was good to reconnect w/her after what seemed like such a long time. She is a single never married career woman, although not from her own choice. Like most little girls she grew up dreaming of marriage and a family, the typical things. But throughout her life those things continued to elude her. The thing about this woman I find so amazing is she has continued to adjust, making the best of her situation. She has been continually been bombarded with factors & events in her life that would make most people give up, turn back or hide. She hasn't. Time after time since she was a young girl, she has cast aside her fears and steered into the wind. Not to say she hasn't had moments, maybe even seasons of doubt; no, even in the short time I've known her I've seen or she's told me about a couple of those, but the fact is, she has carried on with a determination that we all could learn from.

But that perseverance does not take away any of the hurt...the loneliness.....

So, like previous times in her life she presses onward in her career, doing what she feels GOD wants her to do, leaning on His guidance because she feels that where He is leading her.

After processing our conversation, I wonder...."Is she running?" Maybe, as disciples of Christ, I find most of us do at one time or another. Either way, who am I to say? I do think she is following a path that GOD seems to be opening for her because her heart is being stirred on a deep level and other paths are closed. And that fact brings me to what is increasingly on my mind.

The problem she has & that I have & I guess most any single person has is we have no one to confirm us, to encourage us to do what we feel we should. Yes, we may have friends and family that 'are there for us', but it is not the same thing. Let me repeat that, "It is NOT the same thing!" You may say, "As a Christian, you do have GOD, what are you whining about?" Yes, we do have Christ, and He is a great comfort to us. I'm not saying that He can't supply our needs or that having a spouse would 'complete us'. The fact is we are relational beings and there is something to be said for the union of a man & a woman. The fact is we are human, most of us have a 'design need' that draws us to want an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And being a Christian does not mean that we are satisfied. As a married person, are you? We are NOT in heaven yet! Even with Christ, we are still 'wanting' on this side of eternity, that very fact drives us in our day-to-day need for Him. You may also think that I'm foolish & uninformed about my ideas due to the very fact I have never been married. The fact is 'never married people' & 'married people' stand on two different sides of a fence with a gate that opens only one way and one can never go back. This, in my mind includes divorced people as well, but they have other issues that separate them in our society too. I won't even attempt to address the particular struggles that they face in this cold world nor am I belittling their ordeals or the crap they have to put up with. All I do know is I am single, never married and I KNOW there is a difference.
When a person gets married (especially when they have children) their lives are so dramatically different, they cannot remember or even comprehend what it is like to be single. But the problem that irritates me the most is quite of a few think they can & they make assumptions about what we think, believe & hope for that are usually off base. And that is only if they are even aware of us! I guess I have to admit there is something that infuriates me more than that; and that is being ignored or dismissed as a virtual non-entity from institutions such as the church! Crap, this is pissing me off! I'll pick it up later...

"You Move Me"

I have a friend that moved away from this area a while back. But months before he left he searched & searched for GOD's will on what he should do. Everything seemed to point for him to leave, even though he didn't want to. I respected him for doing what he felt GOD wanted to do & not following his own desires though I knew I would miss his words, his help, his friendship, his very presence. So many people think you are supposed to have peace when you are in His will. I disagreed back then & I still do now. We shouldn't put GOD in a box. Anyway, over a year later & nothing seems to have turned out like he hoped...not even how he thought it would. So he wonders..."Was this really Your will? What am I doing here? What have I done? What do I do now?" The only thing he can think of, the only thing he can hold onto that seems right is a book he has written about a short term mission trip a few of us took half way around the world & how it changed him. He readily admits that it would not have been written if he had stayed here. And due to some other issues I won't delve into here, he questions if he should have written it w/such bare honesty. I know what I think...how I feel about it. But who am I to say? All I can say to him is....Walk on...

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme.

excerpt from U2's "Walk On"

That said, I would still encourage him with some words he has said to me. "Take the risk". He has put himself 'out there', he has done what he thought was right according to what Christ revealed to him at the time. What more can any one of us do? Was he right in the decisions he made & actions he did? How can I answer that? I say "Yes" but again, who am I? I cannot be impartial. But, should anyone ask that question at all? Can anyone ask that question? Should he? What's done is done. It is what it is. All we have is now & our intentions for tomorrow. I do know this: he has inspired me in his ever growing & evolving testimony. He has taken risks. And though he has paid & is paying for those decisions, he was not passive. He moved.

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

Oh but you move me
You give me courage
I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me

Here is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin' what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn't budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I'm burning with love
And with hope and desire
How you move me

You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way

Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing
and you make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

"You Move Me" by Susan Ashton


Now my brother,

whistle! laugh! sing! dance! rejoice!



2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (NLT)

¹⁵ All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.

¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

So You Think You Can Tell?

In dealing w/entities such as FB, Paypal, eBay, etc. it can be very frustrating to say the least. There is no one you can call to speak with, much less have a face-to-face chat with when you have a problem. The only option we have is email to 'The Machine'. What have we given up for the sake of 'progress'? Sure, these entities can be very convenient, helpful, profitable, & even fun; but what are we heading to w/such velocity? Remember the sayings: "a man's word is his bond" or "let's shake hands on it"? The only words we have now are pages upon pages of legal documents trying in vain to cover any loophole to protect said company, words that few, if any ever take time to read, all the while trusting that very 'machine' to have our best interest in mind. And as far as handshakes go, pffffttt! What hand? All because we as individual humans are so untrustworthy. So we don't put our trust in man, we put our trust in "The Man". The previous companies along with other behemoth organizations who might not be entirely faceless, yet too big to reason with (i.e. our government, religion, Walmart, credit card companies, banks, etc.) are following (or pushing) the avant-garde close behind. And 'The Machine' continues to roll along grinding its way on to oblivion as our 'so called' rights as individuals are given away at a faster & faster rate taking us willingly or unwillingly along with it. Are our personal relationships next? Or are they already on that same path?

So what does it all mean? What are we getting for what we are giving up? I don't know. But I would bet it will not be anything we truly want when it comes down to what is important. And what is important? I have a strong opinion on that, but instead of telling you what I believe, I think it would behoove you to ask the question for yourself. What is really...really important to you? That is one of the big issues I have with society (as well as myself sometimes). We are all in too big of a hurry to ask the big questions....What is important? What is all 'this' for? Why am I here? Do you think you can you tell?

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

A Waking Dream For My Comrades In Arms

I awoke with a challenge.

A challenge to my character, to my beliefs,

to my very soul.

A challenge so bold cannot be attempted alone. (Proverbs 17:17)

So, I look to my left, and to my right,

and I call you; my brothers in Christ to join me in this quest. (Proverbs 27:17)

A quest not to follow down the path that I call 'The Great Descent'.

Where a man's greatest ambition is to just to 'get through the day'. (Ecclesiastes 4:5)

He revels in being a 'guy' and not a man. (Proverbs 10:23a, 27:22; Romans 1:28)

He calls his buddies friend,

but in truth they are only acquaintances. (Proverbs 18:24; 20:6)

Too prideful, too ashamed to admit he needs

a Savior every moment of the day. (Proverbs 28:13-14)

He stands alone in the midst of many.

Let us not be like those 'guys',

the ones of Thoreau's observation:

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation"

They cower when they should take action.

They remain silent when they should speak.

They speak when they should stay silent.

They are desperate when they should have faith.

So then,

let us aspire to be men.

And if we are to lead,

let us lead with the servitude of Christ. (Luke 22:24-27)

but if we are to follow,

let us pick up our cross and follow Christ (Matthew 16:24)

If we are to be quiet,

let us listen to the words we can’t deny. (Psalm 37:7, 46:10)

But if we are to speak,

let us speak the very words of GOD. (Psalm 119:46)

If we are to be desperate,

let us be desperate for our Savior. (Psalm 42:1)

If we are to live,

let us truly live.

Let us stand on the Truth that sets us free. (John 8:36)

Let us take risks without doubting. (Proverbs 16:9,33)

Let us live with passion and purpose. (Matthew 6:20-21; James 1:5-6)

Let us run with strength and perseverance. (Isaiah 40:31; Hebrews 12:1)

Let us stumble and fall...yes even fall,

but fall on the Grace of Jesus Christ, (Hebrews 4:16)

so that He can use each of us to pick one another up, (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

and continue this magnificent race that we so flippantly call 'life'.

These words were given to me in the middle of the night December 10th. They were too moving to me to keep them to myself, so I shared them with some close male friends. They are a product of two years of pursuing Christ. These years have been abundant; full of joy and heartache, enlightenment and frustration, clarity and confusion, acceptance and rejection, peace and turmoil, some obedience but more disobedience, a few victories but many more defeats... but all of these things brought 'growth', so I will praise my GOD with part of Hezekiah's poem in:

Isaiah 38:14-20

I cried like a swift or thrush,
I moaned like a mourning dove.
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.
I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!

But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.

Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.

Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.

The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
fathers tell their children
about your faithfulness.

The LORD will save me,
and we will sing with stringed instruments
all the days of our lives
in the temple of the LORD.

"Be Thou My Vision"

Be thou my vision, oh lord of my heart

Nought be all else to me, save that thy art

Thou my best thought in the day and the night

Waking or sleeping, thou presence my light

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word

I ever with thee and thou with me lord

Thou my great father and I thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with thee one

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight

Be thou my armour and be thou my might

Thou my soul shelter, and thy my high tower

Raise thou me heavenwards, oh power of my power

Riches I need not, nor mans empty praise

Thou mine inheritance through all of my days

Thou and thou only though first in my heart

High king of heaven my treasure thou art

Oh high king of heaven, when battle is done

Grant heavens joy to me, bright heaven sun

Christ of my own heart, whatever befall

Still be my vision, though ruler of all

Now, many months later I decided to post this here. Maybe it will speak to someone.

We Are All Artists

We are all artists...

With each morning our blank canvas arrives...

awaiting the strokes of our brush...

But what paint do we use?

The only paint we have...

and that would be the paint within our souls.

Whether it be angry reds and oranges, peaceful flowing greens, contemplative purples, sad deep blues, or happy vibrant yellows...we must paint. We must be real, honest and true to the pigments within us or our canvas will be dull, lifeless and bland. So paint! PAINT! PAINT THE DAY!

"Bless the Lord, O' my soul and all that is within me!"