The Fog of Confusion Starts to Lift....Slowly...

“No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

And if you try sometime you find,

You get what you need”

by The Rolling Stones

That is true, although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I spent five days alone on Roan Mountain searching for things beyond my grasp.

Direction.

Understanding.

Hope.

And rest.

At least mental & physical rest. I knew my expectations were high, but I thought, ‘might as well shoot for the moon.

What I received was a mixture of a few answers scattered among more questions. Fortunately, I’m starting to ask better questions as I make my way through this journey of what I’ll call ‘My Awakening’. I tried to delve into 'who I am', 'who I was', but mainly 'who I am supposed to be' and 'where do I need to go'. The story of this past week will unfold in its own time. And so will the answers to my questions.

The fog of confusion lifts to reveal some simple truths...

When I started this adventure I knew it would be an uphill battle.

This road would have many twists & turns.

And I wouldn’t be able to see what
might be coming around the bend.

But there have been points of reference along the way. He has brought me farther than I would have believed when I started this journey.....

......And farther still.

So with a quick look back behind me,

reminding myself where I’ve been,

I forge ahead with my face to the wind





knowing more uphill struggles await me.

....sometimes the road will get rough....

there will be dark times....

and there will be more obstacles in my path....

....so I’ll prepare myself for what lies ahead.

Knowing that it will be worth the effort.

1 Corinthians 2:9b (NLT)

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”

Hope

Micah 7:7 (NLT)

7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me.


Psalm 71:14 (NIV)

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

"3 AM"

excerpt from “3am”
by Edwin McCain (emphasis mine)

It's 3 AM
I'm awake and my heart is still dreaming
It's 3 AM
Outside I hear the souls still screaming

It's been so long you know since my head's been this clear
Just like a ship lost in the night
I just don't know which way I should steer

But I'll keep chasing my dreams
And only You can make them real
I pour my heart out every night
But do You know the way that I feel

It's 3 AM
and my heart is still dreaming....

Responses

It's The Little Things

It's the little things that fill a life. How often we let them pass by us in our rush to be on our way to & fro. And yet it is those small insignificant things that mean so much to us as we get older.

A childhood memory...
An old friend's laugh...
A new friend's smile...
your dog's unconditional love...
the wind rustling the leaves of a tree...
a kind word...
a knowing look...
holding hands...
a gentle touch...

So many 'little' things to be thankful for or to at least hope for.

Psalm 103:2
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.

A Bad Idea

I recently sent out the link to this blog to 'more than a few' of my friends. I wonder if it was a bad idea. I seem to be crying out a lot in the words of these entries. Many deep personal things that weigh on my soul. I think most people are uncomfortable with this kind of 'nakedness'. If I was outside looking in, I don't think I would care for the idea of a guy bearing his soul to the world, but especially to people that knew him. I think it was a bad idea. Too late now. I guess the good thing is most of my friends that may have read it then, probably shook their heads & continued on their own journey all the while wondering what could have possessed me to be so open. Others may have thought it was 'different', but then promptly forgot about it. No matter what my friends or anyone else might think about it or me, I feel compelled to continue on with it, whether it is self-indulgence or something more.

I hope it's something more.

But, by it's very nature it is one-sided. My thoughts, my perspective.....my words. "My"..... how I'm starting to despise that word.

I'm not feeling too spiritual so I guess there won't be any songs or scripture tonight either.

An 'actual' dream...

I was in a hurry....late for church. I walked in one of the side entrances & down the hall. Once I get to the main hallway, I take a right, which is odd because the sanctuary is to the left. But then again as in all of my dreams, nothing is exactly the way it is in real life. A friend of mine is sitting at a small table, I suppose she has been giving out bulletins. The hallway is deserted other than the two of us. But I am so preoccupied with myself, that I don't even realize it is her sitting there.

(Real-life back story: I hadn't seen her in months, and since that time I had emailed her a few messages, but we hadn't spoken. She is a very direct individual, but like all of us she keeps a mask on to hide the hurt she feels. No one that I knew of had seen her & I felt she was withdrawing. I, in my lack of understanding & wisdom, had sent an email out to her & gave the link to this blog right after I wrote "An Island Never Cries". I can only assume was not received well. There has been no contact since. I meant well, but you know what is said about 'good intentions'. I think I'm becoming a master of that. Anyway back to the dream.)

As I walk past her, it dawns on me she is there & I realize she is ignoring me. I say "That bad, huh?" She replies "Yes, that bad." Starting to realize the scope of my mistake, I tell her "I'm sorry." knowing in my heart that arrow had left it's quiver weeks before and was never coming back.

(Words are like that. How quickly they fly. And like for Ahab (1 Kings 22:34), even stray ones often find they're mark.)

Obviously, my arrow was a flaming one, full of hurt & pain she starts her denunciatory speech to me with fire in her eyes. I silently take the verbal abuse, knowing I have no defense; nevertheless, I bite my tongue ignoring the tumultuous feeling to 'defend the indefensible' as it wells up within me. The lesson I now learn keeps my mouth shut, so I swallow my pride & do not exacerbate the situation further. Finally.... some wisdom on my part. As she continues, the depth of my understanding of the pain I have inflicted continues to increase. Finally, she is done. I struggle to appologize again....my mind trying to grasp the elusive answer needed to heal the wound I have caused...

....it doesn't come.

Yet I start to speak anyway, feeling the need to say something....anything....

Then I awake. That's great. Hoping for an answer, some sort of wisdom...just a dream. a regular dream, not a 'waking dream'. No insight. No revealation. Nothing. At least not yet.

This continual 'screwing up' is getting old. I need a 'win'. Even just a small one would be nice. No words of wisdom, no song, no scripture, .....just.....an empty feeling.