Slow Motion or Fast Forward?

It's weird. I see people going about their daily life and everything is as if it's in fast forward. Everyone is in a hurry to get to where they are going, get done with what their doing, etc. And I look at this as if I'm looking out in slow motion... taking it all in. Aware.... even if it's just for a moment (because I am not immune to this phenomenon either). Doesn't anyone 'stop and smell the roses' anymore? 'We don't have time', 'too much to do', 'we have to get it all in'... that sort of thinking. Quantity over quality. And it's not just this time of year either. It's all the time. Speeding into oblivion, while being oblivious to that fact.

"Troubled Heart"

by Kutless

A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn,
no one knows his name

One mistake,
now he's lost in shame

Amidst the pain,
you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told

Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him

Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart

"Mistakes"

"Mistakes" excerpt from Kutless

Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own

Back and Forth

I used to seem to think I had a habit of trying to figure out what author’s were speaking of in their songs. But I have recently realized, I don’t do that at all.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:

Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.

Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.


Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.

He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.


So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.


There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.

My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.


A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.

A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”


Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?


I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.

So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.


Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?

Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?

Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.


And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.


There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.

And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.

"Doctor My Eyes"

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years,
through the slow parade of tears,
without crying.
Now I want to understand,
I have done all that I could
to see evil and the good without hiding.
You must help me if you can.

Doctor my eyes
tell me what is wrong.
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?
As I've wandered through this world
as each moment has unfurled,
I've been waiting to awaken from this dream,
I never notice them until I got this feeling,
that its later that it seems,

Doctor my eyes
tell me what is real
I hear cries
just saying "Its' too late for me",

Doctor my eyes
cannot be disguised

Jackson Browne



Is this 'where angels fear to tread'?

Waxing Philosophical

from Edwin McCain's "Thirty Pieces"

"And what a tall order
Far be it for me to say
Maybe I'll try a little harder
Starting here today
Or just throw in the towel
Lay down five up the ghost
And join all the cynics
Luckier than most
Maybe I'll check out with a bullet...
Would you think less of me?
Or would it frighten you enough?
Would it rattle you enough?
Would it frighten you enough to...

find the place in our hearts where we're all free"

Stand Clear

"Please stand clear from the blast
As I purge demons from my past"...

from Edwin McCain's "Punish Me"