"I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not born me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between heaven & earth? We are arrant knaves all; believe none of us."
Hamlet Act III, Scene I
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
My Friend Is A Real Payne!
A little 'play on words' w/the title that only he knows. ;O) I say that because I have a friend who continually challenges me, not really with his words or actions; although I find those to be indicative of the core issue that begets my discomfort. It is his heart. It aspires so much...and so purely. He would vehemently disagree, as I would if anyone dared to say something like that about me. But like David lamenting that he 'lived in a house made of cedar, while the Ark of The Covenant dwelt in a tent' (paraphrased), my friend 'sees' his life with such a virtuous focus on the eternal. No matter how much I learn and grow in my understanding of GOD, when we talk I am continually reminded of how 'earthly' my thinking is. But it is then I have to remind myself: Christ is the whetstone, not him; he is iron just like me. Two rough broken swords sharpening one another to return to battle, hopefully a little more prepared for the fight than before.
My friend is on my mind because he has a decision to make....and no one can help him make it, not me, not anyone. Even GOD remains silent. He stands at a precipitous worse than just the unknown, but two unknowns. A choice. One that will have ramifications affecting the rest of his life. Like the rest of us, he can't turn back, the past is gone. At this cliff, he can turn and look back at his past for instruction, but the glass wall that he must peer through is dim and opaque from his own limited human perspective. But even the path of his (as well as our own) history is uneven and full of twists and turns, so it brings him no comfort or trustworthy advice.
Still, he must choose.
As he told me his story, I struggled to grasp the enormity of what he faces. I did not have a clue. I tried to be objective, offer what insight I could....but I thought to myself: 'I got nuthin'. But that didn't keep me from trying, oh no, not me! The problem was, I couldn't (and still can't) separate the choice I would make when faced with a similar decision from what he would/should chose, so during our conversation I found myself unknowingly 'living vicariously' through him in this decision. I couldn't help myself. He saw it though, I guess it was pretty obvious. But graciously he listened, wading through my misguided uncomprehending words searching (most likely in vain) for some nugget of wisdom or insight that he hadn't thought of yet. But I take solace in that no matter what I nor anyone else could have said, it would not have helped him make his decision. What he really wanted and the one thing I could supply was simply friendship. So, like so many times he has for me, I was able to 'be there' for him. And now I realize that was all he was asking for. And I think he knew that the whole time anyway.
It is good to have a friend that understands you (at least to some degree), accepts you in all your inadequacies, does not judge and trusts you with his/her life. I guess we both can say that. That, I believe is true friendship.
My friend is on my mind because he has a decision to make....and no one can help him make it, not me, not anyone. Even GOD remains silent. He stands at a precipitous worse than just the unknown, but two unknowns. A choice. One that will have ramifications affecting the rest of his life. Like the rest of us, he can't turn back, the past is gone. At this cliff, he can turn and look back at his past for instruction, but the glass wall that he must peer through is dim and opaque from his own limited human perspective. But even the path of his (as well as our own) history is uneven and full of twists and turns, so it brings him no comfort or trustworthy advice.
Still, he must choose.
As he told me his story, I struggled to grasp the enormity of what he faces. I did not have a clue. I tried to be objective, offer what insight I could....but I thought to myself: 'I got nuthin'. But that didn't keep me from trying, oh no, not me! The problem was, I couldn't (and still can't) separate the choice I would make when faced with a similar decision from what he would/should chose, so during our conversation I found myself unknowingly 'living vicariously' through him in this decision. I couldn't help myself. He saw it though, I guess it was pretty obvious. But graciously he listened, wading through my misguided uncomprehending words searching (most likely in vain) for some nugget of wisdom or insight that he hadn't thought of yet. But I take solace in that no matter what I nor anyone else could have said, it would not have helped him make his decision. What he really wanted and the one thing I could supply was simply friendship. So, like so many times he has for me, I was able to 'be there' for him. And now I realize that was all he was asking for. And I think he knew that the whole time anyway.
It is good to have a friend that understands you (at least to some degree), accepts you in all your inadequacies, does not judge and trusts you with his/her life. I guess we both can say that. That, I believe is true friendship.
Bartering With Time
"I thought change was just a coin, a nickel or a dime, but it's what we lose and all we gain, we barter with time..." M. Radford, S.McCracken
Today I was reminded...... or maybe I first realized that I have become very much different than my family, I'm not sure which one it is. Or maybe closer to the point, I am much more different than the man I was. It's like I was on a particular track through my upbringing and environment, then suddenly jumped off and went my own way (finally). I think that is good in a lot of ways but in others....not so much. But there has been movement, one might even call it growth.
In the past few years I've found instead of hanging pictures and setting the table, GOD has been tearing down walls and overturning tables. And the truth is, many of my walls have been reinforced w/steel beams and concrete, while I've nailed some of tables to the floor. This renovation has not been an altogether pleasant experience I assure you. Yet truth be known, I wouldn't have it any other way. Christ has been one irresistible force to me. No matter how immovable I thought myself to be, His power & patience has been much greater. During this span of time, I've experienced Him more and I have been closer to Him than all the years before, yet amidst the very same span of years I have sinned greater and more often as well. That doesn't seem to make sense. Another one of GOD's ironies, I suppose.
But that's the funny thing tonight. I think I'm feeling the effects of all this demolition, or maybe now it is the reconstruction. Whatever it is, it isn't altogether bad....actually it is very pleasant. Must be a small valley in the midst of this journey of life. A respite. Interesting. I have rarely taken the time to acknowledge the 'roses', little alone smell them. This is kind of cool.
Totally out of context, but a quote from Puck in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream comes to mind: "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"; times like these I can find the humor in man's (my) foolishness. It's like I finally notice the proverbial 'elephant' that has been in the room the whole time. The 'elephant' being the realization of the perspective I have on .....well just about everything as opposed to either the perspective I had or the viewpoint I expected I would have. Like before, it doesn't really matter which, it is just the difference that seems so immense.
Evidently, (@ least by my FB status responses) this is common to a lot of people. My problem is that it seems like I've moved, but my family are basically the same & now I have to fight back the feeling of superiority & that despicable 'holier than thou' feeling that I cannot stand in other people. But here it sits with me like an unwanted guest. A pastor friend of Donald Miller (the author of 'Blue Like Jazz) once told him "Knowledge puffs up" when Don was talking what he believed a biblical passage he had been studying meant. Hmmmph...I think he's right, at least with me about this. Humility, the shy virtue, as B. Reynolds calls her. She quietly leaves the room whenever she's acknowledged.
Now, at midnight on Sunday, after starting this days ago, hoping for some resolution through written verbalization and maybe some feedback from a few respected peers, I find mind dwelling on other things; mostly because of a visit from a dear friend over the weekend. I'm not complaining, I'm glad actually. As with all of our conversations, he makes me think of much more eternal things and how we struggle with them within our 'flawed vessels'. I know the original issue I started out with has been placed on the 'unresolved section' within the library of my soul, but I would be remiss if I didn't listen to my muse and write what dominates my mind & heart now. But I guess that will have to be different post....
