Bartering With Time

 "I thought change was just a coin, a nickel or a dime, but it's what we lose and all we gain, we barter with time..." M. Radford, S.McCracken

Today I was reminded...... or maybe I first realized that I have become very much different than my family, I'm not sure which one it is. Or maybe closer to the point, I am much more different than the man I was. It's like I was on a particular track through my upbringing and  environment, then suddenly jumped off and went my own way (finally). I think that is good in a lot of ways but in others....not so much. But there has been movement, one might even call it growth.

In the past few years I've found instead of hanging pictures and setting the table, GOD has been tearing down walls and overturning tables. And the truth is, many of my walls have been reinforced w/steel beams and concrete, while I've nailed some of tables to the floor. This renovation has not been an altogether pleasant experience I assure you. Yet truth be known, I wouldn't have it any other way. Christ has been one irresistible force to me. No matter how immovable I thought myself to be, His power & patience has been much greater. During this span of time, I've experienced Him more and I have been closer to Him than all the years before, yet amidst the very same span of years I have sinned greater and more often as well. That doesn't seem to make sense. Another one of GOD's ironies, I suppose.
But that's the funny thing tonight. I think I'm feeling the effects of all this demolition, or maybe now it is the reconstruction. Whatever it is, it isn't altogether bad....actually it is very pleasant. Must be a small valley in the midst of this journey of life. A respite. Interesting. I have rarely taken the time to acknowledge the 'roses', little alone smell them. This is kind of cool.

Totally out of context, but a quote from Puck in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream comes to mind: "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"; times like these I can find the humor in man's (my) foolishness. It's like I finally notice the proverbial 'elephant' that has been in the room the whole time. The 'elephant' being the realization of the perspective I have on .....well just about everything as opposed to either the perspective I had or the viewpoint I expected I would have. Like before, it doesn't really matter which, it is just the difference that seems so immense.

Evidently, (@ least by my FB status responses) this is common to a lot of people. My problem is that it seems like I've moved, but my family are basically the same & now I have to fight back the feeling of superiority & that despicable 'holier than thou' feeling that I cannot stand in other people. But here it sits with me like an unwanted guest. A pastor friend of Donald Miller (the author of 'Blue Like Jazz) once told him "Knowledge puffs up" when Don was talking what he believed a biblical passage he had been studying meant. Hmmmph...I think he's right, at least with me about this. Humility, the shy virtue, as B. Reynolds calls her. She quietly leaves the room whenever she's acknowledged.



Now, at midnight on Sunday, after starting this days ago, hoping for some resolution through written verbalization and maybe some feedback from a few respected peers, I find mind dwelling on other things; mostly because of a visit from a dear friend over the weekend. I'm not complaining, I'm glad actually. As with all of our conversations, he makes me think of much more eternal things and how we struggle with them within our 'flawed vessels'. I know the original issue I started out with has been placed on the 'unresolved section' within the library of my soul, but I would be remiss if I didn't listen to my muse and write what dominates my mind & heart now. But I guess that will have to be different post....