"Mistakes" excerpt from Kutless
Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Back and Forth
I used to seem to think I had a habit of trying to figure out what author’s were speaking of in their songs. But I have recently realized, I don’t do that at all.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
"Doctor My Eyes"
Doctor, my eyes have seen the years,
through the slow parade of tears,
without crying.
Now I want to understand,
I have done all that I could
to see evil and the good without hiding.
You must help me if you can.
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is wrong.
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?
As I've wandered through this world
as each moment has unfurled,
I've been waiting to awaken from this dream,
I never notice them until I got this feeling,
that its later that it seems,
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is real
I hear cries
just saying "Its' too late for me",
Doctor my eyes
cannot be disguised
Jackson Browne
Is this 'where angels fear to tread'?
through the slow parade of tears,
without crying.
Now I want to understand,
I have done all that I could
to see evil and the good without hiding.
You must help me if you can.
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is wrong.
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?
As I've wandered through this world
as each moment has unfurled,
I've been waiting to awaken from this dream,
I never notice them until I got this feeling,
that its later that it seems,
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is real
I hear cries
just saying "Its' too late for me",
Doctor my eyes
cannot be disguised
Jackson Browne
Is this 'where angels fear to tread'?
Waxing Philosophical
from Edwin McCain's "Thirty Pieces"
"And what a tall order
Far be it for me to say
Maybe I'll try a little harder
Starting here today
Or just throw in the towel
Lay down five up the ghost
And join all the cynics
Luckier than most
Maybe I'll check out with a bullet...
Would you think less of me?
Or would it frighten you enough?
Would it rattle you enough?
Would it frighten you enough to...
find the place in our hearts where we're all free"
"And what a tall order
Far be it for me to say
Maybe I'll try a little harder
Starting here today
Or just throw in the towel
Lay down five up the ghost
And join all the cynics
Luckier than most
Maybe I'll check out with a bullet...
Would you think less of me?
Or would it frighten you enough?
Would it rattle you enough?
Would it frighten you enough to...
find the place in our hearts where we're all free"
Monday, December 1, 2008
Stand Clear
"Please stand clear from the blast
As I purge demons from my past"...
from Edwin McCain's "Punish Me"
Friday, November 28, 2008
I Didn't See This One Coming
excerpts from "Can't Take The Pain"
by Third Day
The second weekend of November started at a men’s retreat. At one point a very successful businessman who is going to retire soon, related a conversation with his wife, where he was mentioning things he had accomplished during his career. She said “So?” He wasn’t being arrogant & she wasn’t being critical, it was just a conversation between a couple that had been married for many years. But it made him think, ‘what is important? Really important?’. After he was done speaking, I told him the question my father asked my mother before he died. He asked her, “Was I a good man?” …He was. But the point here is when it all comes down to it, what takes up our time, what we worry the most about, and what we think is important throughout our daily lives rarely matters at all.
With that weekend lessons in my arsenal of experiences I went to the mountains to get away, but not just escape. There was a higher purpose to my flight. Yes I did want to escape the day-to-day grind, the hectic-ness of always being busy, the unavoidable pressures that come with anyone’s life. I needed rest. But my visit to Roan Mountain was more than an escape. It was a holy quest. And this quest had many hopes & expectations.
I wanted GOD to speak to me. I wanted Him to show me what He wanted me to do in reference to my vocation; I wanted Him to help me improve my relationship with my family, I wanted to see Him more clearly, although I had no idea of what that entailed.
Well, part of my quest had started a few weeks ago (possibly longer). I had begun to search ‘who I am’ in regards to my talents, strengths & gifts, as well as problem issues, incorrect ‘ways of thinking’, sins, etc. I wanted to know ‘how I became the guy I was, so I could become the man GOD wants me to be. This came later in my life than I would have hoped, but that doesn’t matter, I couldn’t do anything but move forward anyway (better to strive for it now than later, or worse …. Never make the attempt).
For the past few weeks I’ve been going to the group meeting ‘Men’s Fraternity’ called “The Quest For Authentic Manhood”, going to a Christian counselor, reading many books that have delved into much of what I have been searching for and finally spending as much time as would allow to ponder & pray about all this new information. One of the books I read was one that is out of print: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton. After you read the 3rd chapter, you go to a website & enter a code that comes with the book, then you take a ‘strength’ test to find out what your top five strengths are & what they mean. I received my ‘top five’ & considered what I found. After I finished that book, I started “Living The Life You Were Meant To Live” by Tom Patterson. It is supposed to give you “a new perspective on your life so that you will value yourself as a unique creation of GOD and know that you were designed & destined to a unique purpose by GOD” through the ‘LifePlanning’ process. Anyway, I was totally placid with my mood, very cerebral: not too high, nor too low, I just was. In the midst of reading this book, the author writes about ‘turning points’ in our life. One of his was when one of his sons died after trying to save another man after their amphibious aircraft crashed right after takeoff. They were on a fishing trip in Alaska & because he was wearing his waders, they filled with water & he drowned. Do you know what his last words were? He didn’t call for his mother or curse GOD. Quite the contrary. With his dying breath he cried out:
“Dear Jesus, I love You!”
…..At the moment of reading those beautiful words, the Holy Spirit came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I have never felt a collision so suddenly and with such a power of His presence in my entire life. And it was so unexpected. My response was so much more than emotional. It shook my very core, the very essence of my being. With my head bowed, I fell to my knees & cried like a man with no shame…
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
And I continued to sob. All the while accepting His love & crying out to him that I loved Him in return. Again & again I cried out to Him the love that I feel for Him. No restraint. Just pure worship, at least as pure as this mortal flesh can express. Raising my head & arms up to heaven, praising Christ, a smile began to stretch across my face, and laughter burst from within. I laughed out loud with joy I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. It was truth. And joy unspeakable. Up close & personal. It was a revelation of a clearer glimpse of who He is, not who I tend to assume Him to be. He was telling me “I love you! The past is gone, you are forgiven… forgive yourself. I’ve seen your tears & know your tumultuous heart; I’ve heard your cries to me, your supplications, & I have listened. So now listen to Me! I love you! I do not change. I am. I love you in spite of your shortcomings, bad judgments, foolishness, mistakes……your sins. I love you. I really love you. So trust Me.”
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you,
You know I do, Lord
Not the answers I was looking for, but the answer I needed. The funny thing is, I knew all those things. But I struggled, (even more than I knew) with truly believing it with such depth. It was a reminder & a deeper understanding of lessons already learned. Heart knowledge. Transformation took place. I’ve often told people about a sermon I once heard about my namesake David (the first true King of Israel) The speaker (on tape) was conveying the truth of how no matter how many battles David won, no matter how blessed he was, how many perks came with ‘being King’, and no matter how many times or how badly he sinned; the one thing that ultimately mattered to him was how he stood before GOD. His relationship with his GOD. What was really important to me is my relationship with Christ. He loves me unconditionally. He loves us all unconditionally. Everything else follows that fact. How that ‘well known’ truth hit me personally & powerfully, alone in a little cabin at the base of Roan Mountain on a Tuesday night, November 11, 2008.
So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only tow roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved
by Third Day
The second weekend of November started at a men’s retreat. At one point a very successful businessman who is going to retire soon, related a conversation with his wife, where he was mentioning things he had accomplished during his career. She said “So?” He wasn’t being arrogant & she wasn’t being critical, it was just a conversation between a couple that had been married for many years. But it made him think, ‘what is important? Really important?’. After he was done speaking, I told him the question my father asked my mother before he died. He asked her, “Was I a good man?” …He was. But the point here is when it all comes down to it, what takes up our time, what we worry the most about, and what we think is important throughout our daily lives rarely matters at all.
With that weekend lessons in my arsenal of experiences I went to the mountains to get away, but not just escape. There was a higher purpose to my flight. Yes I did want to escape the day-to-day grind, the hectic-ness of always being busy, the unavoidable pressures that come with anyone’s life. I needed rest. But my visit to Roan Mountain was more than an escape. It was a holy quest. And this quest had many hopes & expectations.
I wanted GOD to speak to me. I wanted Him to show me what He wanted me to do in reference to my vocation; I wanted Him to help me improve my relationship with my family, I wanted to see Him more clearly, although I had no idea of what that entailed.
Well, part of my quest had started a few weeks ago (possibly longer). I had begun to search ‘who I am’ in regards to my talents, strengths & gifts, as well as problem issues, incorrect ‘ways of thinking’, sins, etc. I wanted to know ‘how I became the guy I was, so I could become the man GOD wants me to be. This came later in my life than I would have hoped, but that doesn’t matter, I couldn’t do anything but move forward anyway (better to strive for it now than later, or worse …. Never make the attempt).
For the past few weeks I’ve been going to the group meeting ‘Men’s Fraternity’ called “The Quest For Authentic Manhood”, going to a Christian counselor, reading many books that have delved into much of what I have been searching for and finally spending as much time as would allow to ponder & pray about all this new information. One of the books I read was one that is out of print: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton. After you read the 3rd chapter, you go to a website & enter a code that comes with the book, then you take a ‘strength’ test to find out what your top five strengths are & what they mean. I received my ‘top five’ & considered what I found. After I finished that book, I started “Living The Life You Were Meant To Live” by Tom Patterson. It is supposed to give you “a new perspective on your life so that you will value yourself as a unique creation of GOD and know that you were designed & destined to a unique purpose by GOD” through the ‘LifePlanning’ process. Anyway, I was totally placid with my mood, very cerebral: not too high, nor too low, I just was. In the midst of reading this book, the author writes about ‘turning points’ in our life. One of his was when one of his sons died after trying to save another man after their amphibious aircraft crashed right after takeoff. They were on a fishing trip in Alaska & because he was wearing his waders, they filled with water & he drowned. Do you know what his last words were? He didn’t call for his mother or curse GOD. Quite the contrary. With his dying breath he cried out:
“Dear Jesus, I love You!”
…..At the moment of reading those beautiful words, the Holy Spirit came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I have never felt a collision so suddenly and with such a power of His presence in my entire life. And it was so unexpected. My response was so much more than emotional. It shook my very core, the very essence of my being. With my head bowed, I fell to my knees & cried like a man with no shame…
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
And I continued to sob. All the while accepting His love & crying out to him that I loved Him in return. Again & again I cried out to Him the love that I feel for Him. No restraint. Just pure worship, at least as pure as this mortal flesh can express. Raising my head & arms up to heaven, praising Christ, a smile began to stretch across my face, and laughter burst from within. I laughed out loud with joy I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. It was truth. And joy unspeakable. Up close & personal. It was a revelation of a clearer glimpse of who He is, not who I tend to assume Him to be. He was telling me “I love you! The past is gone, you are forgiven… forgive yourself. I’ve seen your tears & know your tumultuous heart; I’ve heard your cries to me, your supplications, & I have listened. So now listen to Me! I love you! I do not change. I am. I love you in spite of your shortcomings, bad judgments, foolishness, mistakes……your sins. I love you. I really love you. So trust Me.”
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you,
You know I do, Lord
Not the answers I was looking for, but the answer I needed. The funny thing is, I knew all those things. But I struggled, (even more than I knew) with truly believing it with such depth. It was a reminder & a deeper understanding of lessons already learned. Heart knowledge. Transformation took place. I’ve often told people about a sermon I once heard about my namesake David (the first true King of Israel) The speaker (on tape) was conveying the truth of how no matter how many battles David won, no matter how blessed he was, how many perks came with ‘being King’, and no matter how many times or how badly he sinned; the one thing that ultimately mattered to him was how he stood before GOD. His relationship with his GOD. What was really important to me is my relationship with Christ. He loves me unconditionally. He loves us all unconditionally. Everything else follows that fact. How that ‘well known’ truth hit me personally & powerfully, alone in a little cabin at the base of Roan Mountain on a Tuesday night, November 11, 2008.
So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only tow roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved
