http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVxnNNGjubg
“Coming Back To Life” Pink Floyd
(Revised as a psalm – by me)
Where were You when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were You when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things You say and the things You do surround me
While I was hanging myself on someone else's words
Dying because of what I heard
I should have been staring straight into Your shining Son
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew my true life had begun
As I headed straight into Your shining Son
Psalm 98:4
Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a LOUD noise, and REJOICE, and SING PRAISE. KJV (emphisis mine)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Closure
"I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels...."
"Operator" by Jim Croce
Maybe later...
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels...."
"Operator" by Jim Croce
Maybe later...
Monday, January 12, 2009
I Just Don't Know
I just realized during lunch today how much I miss my dad. I 'pulled away' emotionally from my family around '83. I must of been around 16 years old. So I tried to make sense of life on my own terms, I thought I would be okay on my own....
....the ignorance of youth.
Thirteen years went by. He died in '96.
I was already used to being out there by myself, so I thought I was okay.
Life...death...it happens....you deal with it. But like most people I 'dealt with it' by not dealing with it.
Now after 13 more years, I feel kind of like a 'man-child', like Peter Pan, only life isn't near as fun. I've aged in a lot of ways, not just physically. But I find myself ill-prepared for what lies ahead as well as what I've already been through (if that makes sense or is even possible). I feel as if I've been 'weighed, measured & been found wanting'. In a spiritual sense that is true of all of us, if it wasn't, there wouldn't be any need for a Savior. But I'm speaking in the context of being a man. Sad observation at my age, yet I'm glad that I see this harsh truth that has followed me so closely behind; some never do. My questions have improved, even though, the answers remain elusive. Yet no matter the question, my response continues to be "I just don't know".
....the ignorance of youth.
Thirteen years went by. He died in '96.
I was already used to being out there by myself, so I thought I was okay.
Life...death...it happens....you deal with it. But like most people I 'dealt with it' by not dealing with it.
Now after 13 more years, I feel kind of like a 'man-child', like Peter Pan, only life isn't near as fun. I've aged in a lot of ways, not just physically. But I find myself ill-prepared for what lies ahead as well as what I've already been through (if that makes sense or is even possible). I feel as if I've been 'weighed, measured & been found wanting'. In a spiritual sense that is true of all of us, if it wasn't, there wouldn't be any need for a Savior. But I'm speaking in the context of being a man. Sad observation at my age, yet I'm glad that I see this harsh truth that has followed me so closely behind; some never do. My questions have improved, even though, the answers remain elusive. Yet no matter the question, my response continues to be "I just don't know".
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Slow Motion or Fast Forward?
It's weird. I see people going about their daily life and everything is as if it's in fast forward. Everyone is in a hurry to get to where they are going, get done with what their doing, etc. And I look at this as if I'm looking out in slow motion... taking it all in. Aware.... even if it's just for a moment (because I am not immune to this phenomenon either). Doesn't anyone 'stop and smell the roses' anymore? 'We don't have time', 'too much to do', 'we have to get it all in'... that sort of thinking. Quantity over quality. And it's not just this time of year either. It's all the time. Speeding into oblivion, while being oblivious to that fact.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"Troubled Heart"
by Kutless
A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn,
no one knows his name
One mistake,
now he's lost in shame
Amidst the pain,
you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn,
no one knows his name
One mistake,
now he's lost in shame
Amidst the pain,
you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
"Mistakes"
"Mistakes" excerpt from Kutless
Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own
Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own
Back and Forth
I used to seem to think I had a habit of trying to figure out what author’s were speaking of in their songs. But I have recently realized, I don’t do that at all.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
