GOD has blessed me beyond any of my past hopes and dreams.
I am a humbled man married to a beautiful woman who adores me for a reason I cannot fathom.
I am a joyous father to a sweet little 2 year old girl whose bright eyes light my world.
But I am also a man in mourning of the death of my firstborn son who lived only 5 days.
It has been less than three weeks since he left us.
He will never run across a field.
He will never ride a bicycle through our neighborhood.
He will never play in the mud after a rain.
He will never ask me how to tie his shoes.
He will never play with his sister in her 'rocket ship' (playhouse/swing set)
He will never ask me for the car keys.
He will never feel his first real kiss.
He will never have to tell me "Dad, I got this, don't worry!"
He will never smile at me.
GOD has robbed me of my future hopes and dreams.
This was not supposed to happen!
He was supposed to be born with no problems, taken home and live with his family.
Our worries would come later as he and his sister grew up.
It wasn't supposed to happen!
It isn't right!
Why?!!!?
We prayed. We cried out. We cried out to You! We trusted You!
Why?
He was as innocent as any mortal can be in this life.
Why?!!!?
It's not fair! I know life isn't fair but You could have saved him. You didn't have to take him. What good can come from this? Why did you let this happen?
My wife is absolutely heartbroken. I cannot help her. I am helpless. What are we supposed to do?
Why give him to us and then take him away so soon?
He was our son. Our beautiful little boy.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Wedding Dress"
"Wedding Dress" - Derek Webb
Appears on: "She Must and Shall Go Free"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvQRd7D9BDM
If You could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, Your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for?
And should I read between the lines?
And search for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You
So could You love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust You to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in Your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over Your very flesh and blood
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to You
Appears on: "She Must and Shall Go Free"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvQRd7D9BDM
If You could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, Your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for?
And should I read between the lines?
And search for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You
So could You love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust You to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in Your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over Your very flesh and blood
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to You
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wanderer
My stomach churns. I cry out. I lament. I have wandered far from you (again) & you are silent, yet I wonder "Why?". I'm such a fool.
Another chisel dulled trying to carve an idol out of stone. I guess I should say an 'idol of flesh & spirit' but it doesn't go w/the song ringing in recesses of my mind.
Rejected once again. I'm so tired of this. So alone.
Do You want me to be alone? Why teach me the things You have taught me? Why show me what my eyes have seen if it weren't for some purpose? You know I'm no good alone. I wander so much further downward when I'm alone.
But how can I not be alone & still keep You 'front & center' in my heart, soul & in my very life? I'm not getting any younger! I have wasted so much of my life! Can You really return the years the locusts have eaten? I once believed so. Now, I find myself doubting. You were probably just speaking to the Isrealites anyway.
Where is my faith? I know You are faithful, but my heart is weary & my soul thirsts for what I know is You, yet my neck is stiff & my head is hard. Have mercy on me O' Most Soverign Lord.
"Faithful To Me" Jennifer Knapp
All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away
Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
Another chisel dulled trying to carve an idol out of stone. I guess I should say an 'idol of flesh & spirit' but it doesn't go w/the song ringing in recesses of my mind.
Rejected once again. I'm so tired of this. So alone.
Do You want me to be alone? Why teach me the things You have taught me? Why show me what my eyes have seen if it weren't for some purpose? You know I'm no good alone. I wander so much further downward when I'm alone.
But how can I not be alone & still keep You 'front & center' in my heart, soul & in my very life? I'm not getting any younger! I have wasted so much of my life! Can You really return the years the locusts have eaten? I once believed so. Now, I find myself doubting. You were probably just speaking to the Isrealites anyway.
Where is my faith? I know You are faithful, but my heart is weary & my soul thirsts for what I know is You, yet my neck is stiff & my head is hard. Have mercy on me O' Most Soverign Lord.
"Faithful To Me" Jennifer Knapp
All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away
Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Oh Me Of Little Faith...
I obviously haven't written much lately, haven't read much either. Been busy w/life I guess. I rarely do either when it is nice outside. It's really nice today & a friend of mine wanted me to go riding. It was tempting. Nevertheless, here I am. Thoughts swirling around so incessantly that I feel compelled to write, knowing I will not capture the force that agitates my soul. The quantity and even the raw eloquence can only be hinted at through such a limited mode of communication. Yet I must try.
Stirred to move, yet I have no direction. Tired of waiting....of repeating the same old laments.
I think I have spent my whole life waiting for someone's approval, or someone to give me direction. Waiting.....hesitating....
I wonder if it started with my father's silence. Doesn't matter now I guess. It is what it is.
The truth is......I'm scared. I scared of what is to come....of what will not come.....of what GOD might ask of me.....and what He won't.
Here I sit. Frozen in indecision.....no, that doesn't cover it. It is more than mere indecision. There is something else that I cannot describe or even comprehend. Is it something I have misunderstood or that I can't quite grasp or is it something I'm missing entirely? Something is rotten in my own personal Denmark. And like Hamlet, I find myself continuing to struggle with the discontent of my soul.
What do You want from me GOD? What do You want for me?
What do I want from You? What do I want for You?
I have nothing to give. Except me. That is what really scares me the most. I don't want to let go for the fear of what that might mean. Of what it might not.
I am the woman at the well, I am the harlot
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing
I am the angry man who came to stone the lover
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing
You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are...my God...
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are...my God...
I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live
I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed
Help me sing the rest of this song. Help me with my unbelief. My lack of trust.
So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go
I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love
As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me...
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me...
Help me to remember that You sing this to each of us that believe...
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in My arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in My arms
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in My arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in My arms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECpA6489e30
"In My Arms" by Plumb (taken somewhat out of context yet applicable; emphasis mine)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Just Breathe....
words by Pearl Jam
(emphasis mine)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTb9GNIxpMk
Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh...
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh...
I'm a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love...
Some folks just have one
Others they got none, aw huh...
Stay with me
Let's just breathe
Practiced are my sins
Never gonna let me win, aw huh...
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh...
Yea, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
To make me bleed
Stay with me
You're all I see
Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean
I wonder everyday
As I look upon Your face, aw huh...
Everything You gave
And nothing You would take, aw huh...
Nothing You would take
Everything You gave
Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean
Nothing You would take
Everything You gave
Hold me 'till I die
Meet You on the other side....
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh...
I'm a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love...
Some folks just have one
Others they got none, aw huh...
Stay with me
Let's just breathe
Practiced are my sins
Never gonna let me win, aw huh...
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh...
Yea, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
To make me bleed
Stay with me
You're all I see
Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean
I wonder everyday
As I look upon Your face, aw huh...
Everything You gave
And nothing You would take, aw huh...
Nothing You would take
Everything You gave
Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean
Nothing You would take
Everything You gave
Hold me 'till I die
Meet You on the other side....
For my friend Brian (it speaks to me too, although in a different way, but still....)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Arrant Knaves All
"I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not born me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between heaven & earth? We are arrant knaves all; believe none of us."
Hamlet Act III, Scene I
Hamlet Act III, Scene I
