Oh Me Of Little Faith...

I obviously haven't written much lately, haven't read much either. Been busy w/life I guess. I rarely do either when it is nice outside. It's really nice today & a friend of mine wanted me to go riding. It was tempting. Nevertheless, here I am. Thoughts swirling around so incessantly that I feel compelled to write, knowing I will not capture the force that agitates my soul. The quantity and even the raw eloquence can only be hinted at through such a limited mode of communication. Yet I must try.

Stirred to move, yet I have no direction. Tired of waiting....of repeating the same old laments.

I think I have spent my whole life waiting for someone's approval, or someone to give me direction. Waiting.....hesitating....

I wonder if it started with my father's silence. Doesn't matter now I guess. It is what it is.

The truth is......I'm scared. I scared of what is to come....of what will not come.....of what GOD might ask of me.....and what He won't.

Here I sit. Frozen in indecision.....no, that doesn't cover it. It is more than mere indecision. There is something else that I cannot describe or even comprehend. Is it something I have misunderstood or that I can't quite grasp or is it something I'm missing entirely? Something is rotten in my own personal Denmark. And like Hamlet, I find myself continuing to struggle with the discontent of my soul.

What do You want from me GOD? What do You want for me?

What do I want from You? What do I want for You?

I have nothing to give. Except me. That is what really scares me the most. I don't want to let go for the fear of what that might mean. Of what it might not. 

Oh my GOD, why do You take notice of me? Why don't You give up? Am I not worthless? 

I am the woman at the well, I am the harlot
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed

My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

I am the angry man who came to stone the lover
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came

My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son

My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are...my God...

I cannot fathom Your love.

I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live

I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed

Help me sing the rest of this song. Help me with my unbelief. My lack of trust.

So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go

I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love

As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me...

Help me to remember that You sing this to each of us that believe...

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in My arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in My arms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd2ibavdyfM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECpA6489e30

 

"Mystery of Mercy" & "Thousand Miles" by Caedmon's Call
"In My Arms" by Plumb (taken somewhat out of context yet applicable; emphasis mine)