"What do you want?"

It's a question I never used to allow myself to contemplate. Now, the voice that asks that question is becoming ever more loud and persistent. Like the tide coming in, it comes and goes, and comes again returning with more force and power than before. And deep down I welcome it, but there is a part of me that resists. But that side of me, 'my mind', has been in control for so many years that it seems to be growing weary from the weight of resisting what I believe is GOD. He speaks through the other part of me, what I call 'my soul'. It is yearning for something more, and it is gaining courage, yet I still doubt it and am scared as hell. And because of that my mind has not listened to it, I would never looked its way. So, the comfort of 'the familiar' has continued to pull at me with its seductive call. It was known, manageable. It didn't scare me because I knew I could deal with it.

But I know there is something more.....something more not just 'for' me, but .....I don't know....but there has to be 'more'. But what is it? How do I fit in?

The story of my life; is it a 'good' one? What am I writing on its pages? Do I matter? Do I 'measure up'? Do I have 'what it takes' to be who I can be?

I want to matter. I want to make a difference. To prove that GOD wasn't wrong in allowing me to take up space on this earth. Wouldn't that be something? To make an impact on other people's lives, not just my friends and family. And not just a difference, but a positive influence. And not I'm not talking about being famous either, although I must admit I have a hard time keeping my motivations pure.

What happens tomorrow? I'll wake up, probably go to church, smile at people, talk to a few, leave, do some chores around the house and/or ride my bike, etc. Nothing wrong with any of that, but that is what I usually do. I want more, to do more, not in quantity but in quality, I want to be more.

But what does that look like? How does that come about? What do I need to do? Why am I even thinking this? There is so much more than I want to write....to ask. But for now....

There is more out there. I will strive to understand; to change, to be the man I can be. The one GOD wants me to be. But it is a process. And it won't happen overnight. But it can start.

Self Addiction

Isn't that what we all suffer from? Even if we don't know or acknowledge it. Everything we do is directed and/or motivated by our own 'wants'.

Dancing (with GOD)

Excerpt from “Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road” by Donald Miller

“I was raised to believe that the quality of a man's life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not by his heart's knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or acadamia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler. The gospel, the very good news, is simple, but this is the gate, the trail head. Ironing out faithless creases is toilsome labor. God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers. Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not as graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign.”


I believe I have a kindred spirit with Donald Miller

Diogene's Lamp

In my arrogant if not foolish quest to be able to withstand Diogene's lamp, I find myself to be Paul Simon's "Boxer" at the base of the hill behind Sisyphus's bolder......once again.

"The Boxer" written by Paul Simon

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station running scared

Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Lie la lie ...

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

Lie la lie ...

Then I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me
Bleeding me, going home

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that layed him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

Lie la lie ...

To Whom Else Would I Go?

^{Luke 15:17-21
17} “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger!
¹⁸ I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you,
¹⁹ and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

²⁰ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

²¹ His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

How many times will I have I came to my senses & still wandered away again? Or have I ever really been 'enlightened' at all? When will I come to my senses 'once & for all'? Is that possible? There seems to be such a finality to the prodigal son story. One pivotal turning point. No 'retuning to the old ways'. Not perfect. Just past that particular trial, issue, sin....whatever. Is that possible?

Father,

Do You see me? I'm a long way off. I've been out here so many times, how could You take me back? Do You see me? Do You really love me? Why can't I accept that? That question alone would have people thinking I don't believe in You, that I'm lost, going to Hell. Yet, You know me. Your presence has been so real & overwhelming to me at times that I could only fall to my knees in awe & gratefulness. But here I am. Cold. Alone. Confused. Desperate.

Why is it that I can't believe in Love? Or is it as Bono sings:

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me..."

He seems to understand it but still pleading to believe it as well.

"O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above...."

Yes, I am pleading for GOD to save me from myself. Today, as much or maybe more than ever.

....but alas, unlike many times before, the words of that song bring me little comfort today. I guess I'm too much into 'this feeling'. I have a friend that is dying....he might have already passed away. Cancer. And though I'm sad about that, I'm angry & frustrated w/myself about so many other things too. So many thoughts & feelings swirling in & around me. I am 'addicted to self' as Donald Miller puts it. Impending loss of a friend, loss of a close friendship, expectations of my small group, family health & relationship issues, uncertainty & lack of passion with my job, my own lack of faith, my own fallibility.....me,me,me. I get so sick of me. But what do I do? I can't deny what I feel. I feel like I'm in a room on a bucking bronco in the midst of a hurricane and the walls are closing in. Where does this come from? I know I go to extremes, last weekend I was on top of the world, the week before; the doldrums, now back again. I know I have embraced this trait about myself....but today....today it is too much. But why? I'm not dealing w/isolation like some are....but then again maybe I am, albeit in a different way. A subtle prison of my own choosing, not so obvious, yet the walls have been built one imperceptible brick at a time until...

....until I find myself paralyzed and surrounded by those bricks of doubt held together by the mortar of fear.

Again I ramble.... No thought finished before another takes hold....

The human condition.....miserable worm or a carefree clown. I love being me (He is 'growing' me)....I hate being me (I failed again!). Back & forth, back & forth, etc. C.S. Lewis said GOD was 'tearing down walls instead of hanging pictures' in his soul. I find that to be true with me too, but sometimes my walls seem to be made of reinforced steel & titanium encircling my stony, yet fleshy heart. It has to have some flesh because it wouldn't hurt this bad if it wasn't. Maybe there is a small glimmer of hope. Yet the walls are defiant, resistant to what......to Who I really need.

But what of the cost? Am I willing to consider the cost? Yes, He died for me, but I must carry my own cross to truly follow Him.

^{Luke 14:26-28a}

²⁶ “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁷ And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁸ But don’t begin until you count the cost."

Will I? What other choice do really have now?

^{John 6:67-69}

⁶⁷ Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”

⁶⁸ Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.

⁶⁹ We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.”