To Whom Else Would I Go?

^{Luke 15:17-21
17} “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger!
¹⁸ I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you,
¹⁹ and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

²⁰ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

²¹ His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

How many times will I have I came to my senses & still wandered away again? Or have I ever really been 'enlightened' at all? When will I come to my senses 'once & for all'? Is that possible? There seems to be such a finality to the prodigal son story. One pivotal turning point. No 'retuning to the old ways'. Not perfect. Just past that particular trial, issue, sin....whatever. Is that possible?

Father,

Do You see me? I'm a long way off. I've been out here so many times, how could You take me back? Do You see me? Do You really love me? Why can't I accept that? That question alone would have people thinking I don't believe in You, that I'm lost, going to Hell. Yet, You know me. Your presence has been so real & overwhelming to me at times that I could only fall to my knees in awe & gratefulness. But here I am. Cold. Alone. Confused. Desperate.

Why is it that I can't believe in Love? Or is it as Bono sings:

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me..."

He seems to understand it but still pleading to believe it as well.

"O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above...."

Yes, I am pleading for GOD to save me from myself. Today, as much or maybe more than ever.

....but alas, unlike many times before, the words of that song bring me little comfort today. I guess I'm too much into 'this feeling'. I have a friend that is dying....he might have already passed away. Cancer. And though I'm sad about that, I'm angry & frustrated w/myself about so many other things too. So many thoughts & feelings swirling in & around me. I am 'addicted to self' as Donald Miller puts it. Impending loss of a friend, loss of a close friendship, expectations of my small group, family health & relationship issues, uncertainty & lack of passion with my job, my own lack of faith, my own fallibility.....me,me,me. I get so sick of me. But what do I do? I can't deny what I feel. I feel like I'm in a room on a bucking bronco in the midst of a hurricane and the walls are closing in. Where does this come from? I know I go to extremes, last weekend I was on top of the world, the week before; the doldrums, now back again. I know I have embraced this trait about myself....but today....today it is too much. But why? I'm not dealing w/isolation like some are....but then again maybe I am, albeit in a different way. A subtle prison of my own choosing, not so obvious, yet the walls have been built one imperceptible brick at a time until...

....until I find myself paralyzed and surrounded by those bricks of doubt held together by the mortar of fear.

Again I ramble.... No thought finished before another takes hold....

The human condition.....miserable worm or a carefree clown. I love being me (He is 'growing' me)....I hate being me (I failed again!). Back & forth, back & forth, etc. C.S. Lewis said GOD was 'tearing down walls instead of hanging pictures' in his soul. I find that to be true with me too, but sometimes my walls seem to be made of reinforced steel & titanium encircling my stony, yet fleshy heart. It has to have some flesh because it wouldn't hurt this bad if it wasn't. Maybe there is a small glimmer of hope. Yet the walls are defiant, resistant to what......to Who I really need.

But what of the cost? Am I willing to consider the cost? Yes, He died for me, but I must carry my own cross to truly follow Him.

^{Luke 14:26-28a}

²⁶ “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁷ And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁸ But don’t begin until you count the cost."

Will I? What other choice do really have now?

^{John 6:67-69}

⁶⁷ Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”

⁶⁸ Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.

⁶⁹ We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.”