A Realization

The air had that medicine stale scent that hospitals permeate. The small room was bland but functional. The soft beeps and rhythmic noises of the machines reverberated around us resonating within our souls that it would not be much longer.
My family gathered around the bed where my father lay. He knew he would be leaving us soon. So, in his giving way with our mother by his side, he gave us all encouraging words that we could take with us after he passed. I can't remember exactly what he said to my brother, his wife or my sister, but I do remember him telling them to accept any opportunity to advance in their jobs and such.
But then he looked at me. And he said "I don't need to tell you anything." Being the dutiful son I accepted his words, not fully comprehending what he meant. At the time I felt honored that he felt like I was going to be okay & that he didn't need to leave me with any nugget of wisdom or bit of encouragement.
Later, I felt shortchanged, like he assumed I knew more than I did when I didn't have a clue. About life, being a man, countless other answers to questions he evidently thought I knew & understood.
Alone I screamed out:

"Why didn't you tell me?!!!"

"Why didn't you warn me about this?!!!!"

"Why couldn't you have prepared me for what was to come?"

I spent most of my life 'faking it', appearing as if I knew what was going on, that I was 'cool' & had the answers. Just keep the ambiguity flowing, a knowing smile, evasive answers to questions - asked & unasked; in short; lies.
I was lying to others, to myself.....to GOD. Too prideful...too scared to ask any of the questions that churned deep within my soul. The truth is, I rarely even asked the surface level, mundane questions, so the deep important ones were never considered.
So I pushed everything down....down.....down so that only a numb shell of a man was left, going through the motions of everyday life. Never letting known the turmoil that followed me so close behind, biding its time until I would have to face the enormity of it all....the bitter truth & all the baggage that went with it:

Did I have what it took?

Would I live up to the expectations?

Did I 'measure up'?

I didn't know.

I just didn't know.

Now, it seems to me that maybe he was trying to answer my unasked questions. Could he have possibly gave me his reply through what he didn't say? That he saw something in me that I could not. Something I still question, as I believe most men do if they were to be honest.

That I did have what it took.

I could live up to expectations.

I 'measured' up.

So it has taken me over 13 years to wonder if he was trying in his own humble way, to bestow upon me the very thing I thought I was lacking.

That he knew me.

That he was proud of me.

And that he respected me.

If that is true, then that is comforting and reassuring. Validating.