Most of my life's defining moments have come and gone before I even knew they had occurred. Only in retrospection have I realized how important they were, if I noticed them at all. I feel like I'm either within one now or at the least approaching one, and I think the biggest reason I'm aware is that it has been so long in coming.....waiting somewhat patiently in the shadows of my existence, always there....but not quite. Like a specter....or maybe a guide......or maybe even an angel waiting to reveal to me that it is time. Time to move. Time to do something radically different with my life, with my very being. But what? I find myself not at a crossroads, that would be too easy, a multiple choice question. No, I'm at a precipice, with an unknown abyss encircling me except for the convoluted undulating path of my past lying behind me, obscured by my subjective perspective. But is it unknown? Or am I confusing the issue because I'm too scared to face even the possibility of what it would cost me.....and/or what it might mean to me? I have spent too many years idle and now this compulsion to move has become so very strong, yet I still resist to even look in that direction, so I don't even let myself consider the possibilities. It's too hard, it would take too long, the sacrifice is too great, it would change me too much, where do I even start? You've (GOD) have brought me this far, You've changed me so much...can't we 'do' something now that I'm able to do, something that is within reason? Come on GOD, give me a break...this is too hard...
I'm not good enough...
I'm afraid...
So I continue to wail & lament almost like a cat stuck up in a tree, able to be free if I would just jump...
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