"In Too Deep"

I wonder if I can truly change, be the man I should be whoever/whatever that is. I hear a sermon, read a book, or have a dream that shakes my core, makes me 'see' things differently, inspires me to be 'more' than what I am.

But all too quickly that invigorating feeling and passion to change which burned so intensely ebbs away. Then I start to wonder if I was just 'caught up in the moment' and got some foolish notion of grandeur, a dream that I need to wake up from or was I asleep the whole time before it and it wasn't a misguided belief or dream but a glimpse of what really could and should be.

The wise advice of my dad would come in handy 'bout now. But could he have advised me objectively? Doesn't really matter does it?

Just as well, it seems I've always tried to look to others for answers, afraid to trust myself (for good reason most of the time), but more importantly, I am continually afraid and/or too hard-headed to trust GOD.

"A great fool in my life I have been, have squandered 'til pallid and thin, hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win..."
(from Jennifer Knapp's "Martyrs and Thieves")

My GOD and Father,
I think I think too much sometimes. I don't want to surf the in the wake of Your magnificence, I want to dive in to the depths, to see You, to drink You in, to experience You on a deeper level. But when I make the attempt I barely make it below what I perceive to be the surface and it becomes too much for me to bear, and to understand any of it is beyond my mortal mind. I struggle for 'normalcy' like a drowning man fights for air; I thrash and spin trying to get away from the very thing that I dove into with such abandon! I'm in too deep!

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
all this time, I still remember everything you said.
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?

Listen, you know I love you, but I just cant take this,
you know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
oh, you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go through me,
but I don't know why.

(an excerpt taken out of context from Genesis's "In Too Deep")