"What do you want?"

It's a question I never used to allow myself to contemplate. Now, the voice that asks that question is becoming ever more loud and persistent. Like the tide coming in, it comes and goes, and comes again returning with more force and power than before. And deep down I welcome it, but there is a part of me that resists. But that side of me, 'my mind', has been in control for so many years that it seems to be growing weary from the weight of resisting what I believe is GOD. He speaks through the other part of me, what I call 'my soul'. It is yearning for something more, and it is gaining courage, yet I still doubt it and am scared as hell. And because of that my mind has not listened to it, I would never looked its way. So, the comfort of 'the familiar' has continued to pull at me with its seductive call. It was known, manageable. It didn't scare me because I knew I could deal with it.

But I know there is something more.....something more not just 'for' me, but .....I don't know....but there has to be 'more'. But what is it? How do I fit in?

The story of my life; is it a 'good' one? What am I writing on its pages? Do I matter? Do I 'measure up'? Do I have 'what it takes' to be who I can be?

I want to matter. I want to make a difference. To prove that GOD wasn't wrong in allowing me to take up space on this earth. Wouldn't that be something? To make an impact on other people's lives, not just my friends and family. And not just a difference, but a positive influence. And not I'm not talking about being famous either, although I must admit I have a hard time keeping my motivations pure.

What happens tomorrow? I'll wake up, probably go to church, smile at people, talk to a few, leave, do some chores around the house and/or ride my bike, etc. Nothing wrong with any of that, but that is what I usually do. I want more, to do more, not in quantity but in quality, I want to be more.

But what does that look like? How does that come about? What do I need to do? Why am I even thinking this? There is so much more than I want to write....to ask. But for now....

There is more out there. I will strive to understand; to change, to be the man I can be. The one GOD wants me to be. But it is a process. And it won't happen overnight. But it can start.