A Realization

The air had that medicine stale scent that hospitals permeate. The small room was bland but functional. The soft beeps and rhythmic noises of the machines reverberated around us resonating within our souls that it would not be much longer.
My family gathered around the bed where my father lay. He knew he would be leaving us soon. So, in his giving way with our mother by his side, he gave us all encouraging words that we could take with us after he passed. I can't remember exactly what he said to my brother, his wife or my sister, but I do remember him telling them to accept any opportunity to advance in their jobs and such.
But then he looked at me. And he said "I don't need to tell you anything." Being the dutiful son I accepted his words, not fully comprehending what he meant. At the time I felt honored that he felt like I was going to be okay & that he didn't need to leave me with any nugget of wisdom or bit of encouragement.
Later, I felt shortchanged, like he assumed I knew more than I did when I didn't have a clue. About life, being a man, countless other answers to questions he evidently thought I knew & understood.
Alone I screamed out:

"Why didn't you tell me?!!!"

"Why didn't you warn me about this?!!!!"

"Why couldn't you have prepared me for what was to come?"

I spent most of my life 'faking it', appearing as if I knew what was going on, that I was 'cool' & had the answers. Just keep the ambiguity flowing, a knowing smile, evasive answers to questions - asked & unasked; in short; lies.
I was lying to others, to myself.....to GOD. Too prideful...too scared to ask any of the questions that churned deep within my soul. The truth is, I rarely even asked the surface level, mundane questions, so the deep important ones were never considered.
So I pushed everything down....down.....down so that only a numb shell of a man was left, going through the motions of everyday life. Never letting known the turmoil that followed me so close behind, biding its time until I would have to face the enormity of it all....the bitter truth & all the baggage that went with it:

Did I have what it took?

Would I live up to the expectations?

Did I 'measure up'?

I didn't know.

I just didn't know.

Now, it seems to me that maybe he was trying to answer my unasked questions. Could he have possibly gave me his reply through what he didn't say? That he saw something in me that I could not. Something I still question, as I believe most men do if they were to be honest.

That I did have what it took.

I could live up to expectations.

I 'measured' up.

So it has taken me over 13 years to wonder if he was trying in his own humble way, to bestow upon me the very thing I thought I was lacking.

That he knew me.

That he was proud of me.

And that he respected me.

If that is true, then that is comforting and reassuring. Validating.

"In Too Deep"

I wonder if I can truly change, be the man I should be whoever/whatever that is. I hear a sermon, read a book, or have a dream that shakes my core, makes me 'see' things differently, inspires me to be 'more' than what I am.

But all too quickly that invigorating feeling and passion to change which burned so intensely ebbs away. Then I start to wonder if I was just 'caught up in the moment' and got some foolish notion of grandeur, a dream that I need to wake up from or was I asleep the whole time before it and it wasn't a misguided belief or dream but a glimpse of what really could and should be.

The wise advice of my dad would come in handy 'bout now. But could he have advised me objectively? Doesn't really matter does it?

Just as well, it seems I've always tried to look to others for answers, afraid to trust myself (for good reason most of the time), but more importantly, I am continually afraid and/or too hard-headed to trust GOD.

"A great fool in my life I have been, have squandered 'til pallid and thin, hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win..."
(from Jennifer Knapp's "Martyrs and Thieves")

My GOD and Father,
I think I think too much sometimes. I don't want to surf the in the wake of Your magnificence, I want to dive in to the depths, to see You, to drink You in, to experience You on a deeper level. But when I make the attempt I barely make it below what I perceive to be the surface and it becomes too much for me to bear, and to understand any of it is beyond my mortal mind. I struggle for 'normalcy' like a drowning man fights for air; I thrash and spin trying to get away from the very thing that I dove into with such abandon! I'm in too deep!

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
all this time, I still remember everything you said.
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?

Listen, you know I love you, but I just cant take this,
you know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
oh, you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go through me,
but I don't know why.

(an excerpt taken out of context from Genesis's "In Too Deep")

I Confess.....

Christians often wonder why so many people do not believe in Jesus as the Son of GOD. I think one reason is us (Christians), especially here in America. We rarely live what Jesus taught. I’m reading a book called “Blue like Jazz” and part of it (Chapter 11: Confession) tells of where this Christian guy had went to a well known liberal arts college in the Northwest that was very anti-Christian. Each year they have a 3-day weekend party to blow off steam before finals. I’ll let his words set this up; his name is Donald Miller and is challenging me to live what I say I believe:

“Each year at Reed* they have a festival call Ren Fayre. They shut down the campus so students can party. Security keeps the authorities away, and everybody gets pretty drunk and high, and some people get naked..”

Him and his other Christian friends (there were only 6 of them total) decided to build a confessional in the middle of this debauchery. You might be thinking they were doing it to take confessions of all the ‘sinners’ there. They did not. They made it so they could confess to the rest of the students there. Here is one of his friend’s words when they were discussing the idea explaining why they, the Christians were going to confess to the unbelievers instead of the other way around:

“as followers of Jesus, we have not been very loving; we have been bitter, and for that we are sorry. We will apologize for the Crusades, we will apologize for televangelists, we will apologize for neglecting the poor and the lonely, we will ask them to forgive us, and we will tell them that in our selfishness, we have misrepresented Jesus on this campus. We will tell people who come into the booth that Jesus loves them.”

As a follower of Jesus, those words & the ones that followed hit me square between the eyes, so I decided to confess to you: believers, unbelievers, as well as GOD.

That I have failed to be Christ-like in situations where there might be repercussions for it.
That I turn the channel every time I see the commercials for feeding the poor across the world.
That I am careful to say and do the ‘right’ things when I’m around others.
That I don’t spend time with my family because I think they are not as ‘cool’ as my friends.
That I lash out instead of turning the other cheek when I’m offended or threatened.
That I think I am better than others because they don’t seem as smart, cool, or as happy as I make myself out to be.
For my mixed & ulterior motives for anything I do that might be construed as good.
For being quiet when I should speak.
For speaking when I should remain silent.
For not living up to the words I speak or write.
For only giving lip service or money to worthy causes.
For ignoring or looking down on people in need because they were not like me.
For standing in judgment of judgmental churches and people.
For being religious and not loving.
For feeling and thinking about worthy things, but not doing.
For assuming I know what other people are thinking.
For not even coming close to being the man GOD wants me to be.
For not following through on my good intentions.
For following through with my good intentions.
For my lack of courage.
For my arrogance.
For my insecurity.
For my pride.
For my selfishness.
For so much more….much more.

You may be wondering why I’m doing this; you are not alone in that because I am wondering the same thing. All I know is that I felt moved by what I read and I felt compelled to share it, call what you like; a nudge by the Holy Spirit, a blowhard with too much time on his hands, the ramblings of an extremely strange person or worse. Doesn’t really matter. It is what it is and I’ve written what I’ve written. I just hope that it speaks to you too.

I believe Jesus is a person not a religion. He wants to have a relationship with each of us, an honest one, no pretense. He wants to hear from us; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the mundane. Forget the cliché’s and the things we think we should say or do. Get real with GOD and He will get real with you. That is what I believe. Christian or not try it out for a month or two, see what happens. What have you got to lose?

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reed_College

50:7

Isaiah 50:7 (NLT)
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be dismayed.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone,
determined to do his will.
And I know that I will triumph.

Irony Keeps Coming...

It would be funny if there weren't other people affected by it. I'm speaking of some news I just heard. It looks like I might not have a job soon. The family owned company that I work for has been in a trasitional situation recently & the 'deal' that was supposed keep us in business has failed to come to fruition. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but the prospects of having a job this time next month is unlikely. If it was just me, I do believe I would be joyous; knowing that I would have no choice but 'to move'. But I'm not the only one. There are many others, others that don't have the hope or the outlook I have. It's not that I'm any better than they are, it is just the fact that I'm in a different place in my life & I need a change that I seem to be unable to iniate myself. It is a situation that reminds me very much of a situation not terribly long ago of very dear friend. I, like my friend have faith that GOD is on His Throne. He has not changed. He is not surprised. He still cares. He is still actively involved in my life. I need not worry. He looks after the sparrow....how much more after me? Much more. That is all I need. I must remember that tomorrow. The day after. And the day after that. And so on & so on....

I am still. I know HE is GOD.

GOD & His Irony...Ya Gotta Love It!

Below is an email that a close friend sent me this morning. We had spoke at length yesterday afternoon about what was on my mind (see previous post) and he sent me the text of his daily devotional by Oswald Chambers that he read last night. October 13. GOD's irony...ya gotta love it!




Individual discouragement and personal enlargement

Moses went unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens. Exodus 2:11.

Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After the first strike for God and for the right, God allowed Moses to be driven into blank discouragement, He sent him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared and told Moses to go and bring forth His people, and Moses said—‘Who am I, that I should go?’ In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing; then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say—‘Oh, who am I!’ We have to learn the first great stride of God—“I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee.” We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew iii. 11). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision—‘This is what God wants me to do’; but we have not got into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.

Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest : Selections for the Year. Grand Rapids, MI : Discovery House Publishers, 1993, c1935, S. October 13





"...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Jason B



Thanks Jason.

Defining Moments

Most of my life's defining moments have come and gone before I even knew they had occurred. Only in retrospection have I realized how important they were, if I noticed them at all. I feel like I'm either within one now or at the least approaching one, and I think the biggest reason I'm aware is that it has been so long in coming.....waiting somewhat patiently in the shadows of my existence, always there....but not quite. Like a specter....or maybe a guide......or maybe even an angel waiting to reveal to me that it is time. Time to move. Time to do something radically different with my life, with my very being. But what? I find myself not at a crossroads, that would be too easy, a multiple choice question. No, I'm at a precipice, with an unknown abyss encircling me except for the convoluted undulating path of my past lying behind me, obscured by my subjective perspective. But is it unknown? Or am I confusing the issue because I'm too scared to face even the possibility of what it would cost me.....and/or what it might mean to me? I have spent too many years idle and now this compulsion to move has become so very strong, yet I still resist to even look in that direction, so I don't even let myself consider the possibilities. It's too hard, it would take too long, the sacrifice is too great, it would change me too much, where do I even start? You've (GOD) have brought me this far, You've changed me so much...can't we 'do' something now that I'm able to do, something that is within reason? Come on GOD, give me a break...this is too hard...

I'm not good enough...

I'm afraid...

So I continue to wail & lament almost like a cat stuck up in a tree, able to be free if I would just jump...

A Mirror Or A Painting

Sometimes I wonder if & when we try to take stock of our lives in who we are, where we're at, etc. I wonder if we really do it in an objective manner & can we? Do we look in a mirror & see ourselves for who we truly are? Is it possible to do that ourselves w/o any help? I think it is easy, especially for people not pursuing 'Truth" (i.e. GOD) to think they are seeing themselves as they really are but instead of an accurate reflection they are just seeing a self portrait of their own making. But even in my pursuit of what I believe is the truth, I continually find myself doing the exact same thing!

I've have a lot of thoughts going through my head & I can't organize them. I wish these things came to me at a decent hour! I'll get back to this later. I need some rest...sorry for the tease...