Oh GOD have mercy on me!

"Wedding Dress"

"Wedding Dress" - Derek Webb
Appears on: "She Must and Shall Go Free"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvQRd7D9BDM

If You could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, Your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for?

And should I read between the lines?
And search for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?


‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You


So could You love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust You to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in Your side


‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over Your very flesh and blood


‘Cause I am a whore I do confess 
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle from You



Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife


‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I am a whore I do confess
But I put You on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put You on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to You

Wanderer

My stomach churns. I cry out. I lament. I have wandered far from you (again) & you are silent, yet I wonder "Why?". I'm such a fool.

Another chisel dulled trying to carve an idol out of stone. I guess I should say an 'idol of flesh & spirit' but it doesn't go w/the song ringing in recesses of my mind.

Rejected once again. I'm so tired of this. So alone.

Do You want me to be alone? Why teach me the things You have taught me? Why show me what my eyes have seen if it weren't for some purpose? You know I'm no good alone. I wander so much further downward when I'm alone.

But how can I not be alone & still keep You 'front & center' in my heart, soul & in my very life? I'm not getting any younger! I have wasted so much of my life! Can You really return the years the locusts have eaten? I once believed so. Now, I find myself doubting. You were probably just speaking to the Isrealites anyway.

Where is my faith? I know You are faithful, but my heart is weary & my soul thirsts for what I know is You, yet my neck is stiff & my head is hard. Have mercy on me O' Most Soverign Lord.

"Faithful To Me" Jennifer Knapp
All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone

that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.


All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

Oh Me Of Little Faith...

I obviously haven't written much lately, haven't read much either. Been busy w/life I guess. I rarely do either when it is nice outside. It's really nice today & a friend of mine wanted me to go riding. It was tempting. Nevertheless, here I am. Thoughts swirling around so incessantly that I feel compelled to write, knowing I will not capture the force that agitates my soul. The quantity and even the raw eloquence can only be hinted at through such a limited mode of communication. Yet I must try.

Stirred to move, yet I have no direction. Tired of waiting....of repeating the same old laments.

I think I have spent my whole life waiting for someone's approval, or someone to give me direction. Waiting.....hesitating....

I wonder if it started with my father's silence. Doesn't matter now I guess. It is what it is.

The truth is......I'm scared. I scared of what is to come....of what will not come.....of what GOD might ask of me.....and what He won't.

Here I sit. Frozen in indecision.....no, that doesn't cover it. It is more than mere indecision. There is something else that I cannot describe or even comprehend. Is it something I have misunderstood or that I can't quite grasp or is it something I'm missing entirely? Something is rotten in my own personal Denmark. And like Hamlet, I find myself continuing to struggle with the discontent of my soul.

What do You want from me GOD? What do You want for me?

What do I want from You? What do I want for You?

I have nothing to give. Except me. That is what really scares me the most. I don't want to let go for the fear of what that might mean. Of what it might not. 

Oh my GOD, why do You take notice of me? Why don't You give up? Am I not worthless? 

I am the woman at the well, I am the harlot
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed

My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

I am the angry man who came to stone the lover
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came

My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son

My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are...my God...

I cannot fathom Your love.

I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live

I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed

Help me sing the rest of this song. Help me with my unbelief. My lack of trust.

So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go

I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love

As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me...

Help me to remember that You sing this to each of us that believe...

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in My arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in My arms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd2ibavdyfM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECpA6489e30

 

"Mystery of Mercy" & "Thousand Miles" by Caedmon's Call
"In My Arms" by Plumb (taken somewhat out of context yet applicable; emphasis mine)

Just Breathe....

words by Pearl Jam
(emphasis mine)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTb9GNIxpMk

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh...
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh...
I'm a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love...

Some folks just have one
Others they got none, aw huh...

Stay with me
Let's just breathe

Practiced are my sins
Never gonna let me win, aw huh...
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh...
Yea, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
To make me bleed

Stay with me
You're all I see

Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean

I wonder everyday
As I look upon Your face, aw huh...
Everything You gave
And nothing You would take, aw huh...
Nothing You would take
Everything You gave

Did I say that I need You?
Did I say that I want You?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool You see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean

Nothing You would take
Everything You gave
Hold me 'till I die
Meet You on the other side....

For my friend Brian (it speaks to me too, although in a different way, but still....)

Arrant Knaves All

"I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not born me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between heaven & earth? We are arrant knaves all; believe none of us."

Hamlet Act III, Scene I

My Friend Is A Real Payne!

A little 'play on words' w/the title that only he knows. ;O) I say that because I have a friend who continually challenges me, not really with his words or actions; although I find those to be indicative of the core issue that begets my discomfort. It is his heart. It aspires so much...and so purely. He would vehemently disagree, as I would if anyone dared to say something like that about me. But like David lamenting that he 'lived in a house made of cedar, while the Ark of The Covenant dwelt in a tent' (paraphrased), my friend 'sees' his life with such a virtuous focus on the eternal. No matter how much I learn and grow in my understanding of GOD, when we talk I am continually reminded of how 'earthly' my thinking is. But it is then I have to remind myself: Christ is the whetstone, not him; he is iron just like me. Two rough broken swords sharpening one another to return to battle, hopefully a little more prepared for the fight than before.

My friend is on my mind because he has a decision to make....and no one can help him make it, not me, not anyone. Even GOD remains silent. He stands at a precipitous worse than just the unknown, but two unknowns. A choice. One that will have ramifications affecting the rest of his life. Like the rest of us, he can't turn back, the past is gone. At this cliff, he can turn and look back at his past for instruction, but the glass wall that he must peer through is dim and opaque from his own limited human perspective. But even the path of his (as well as our own) history is uneven and full of twists and turns, so it brings him no comfort or trustworthy advice.

Still, he must choose.

As he told me his story, I struggled to grasp the enormity of what he faces. I did not have a clue. I tried to be objective, offer what insight I could....but I thought to myself: 'I got nuthin'. But that didn't keep me from trying, oh no, not me! The problem was, I couldn't (and still can't) separate the choice I would make when faced with a similar decision from what he would/should chose, so during our conversation I found myself unknowingly 'living vicariously' through him in this decision. I couldn't help myself. He saw it though, I guess it was pretty obvious. But graciously he listened, wading through my misguided uncomprehending words searching (most likely in vain) for some nugget of wisdom or insight that he hadn't thought of yet. But I take solace in that no matter what I nor anyone else could have said, it would not have helped him make his decision. What he really wanted and the one thing I could supply was simply friendship. So, like so many times he has for me, I was able to 'be there' for him. And now I realize that was all he was asking for. And I think he knew that the whole time anyway.

It is good to have a friend that understands you (at least to some degree), accepts you in all your inadequacies, does not judge and trusts you with his/her life. I guess we both can say that. That, I believe is true friendship.

Bartering With Time

 "I thought change was just a coin, a nickel or a dime, but it's what we lose and all we gain, we barter with time..." M. Radford, S.McCracken

Today I was reminded...... or maybe I first realized that I have become very much different than my family, I'm not sure which one it is. Or maybe closer to the point, I am much more different than the man I was. It's like I was on a particular track through my upbringing and  environment, then suddenly jumped off and went my own way (finally). I think that is good in a lot of ways but in others....not so much. But there has been movement, one might even call it growth.

In the past few years I've found instead of hanging pictures and setting the table, GOD has been tearing down walls and overturning tables. And the truth is, many of my walls have been reinforced w/steel beams and concrete, while I've nailed some of tables to the floor. This renovation has not been an altogether pleasant experience I assure you. Yet truth be known, I wouldn't have it any other way. Christ has been one irresistible force to me. No matter how immovable I thought myself to be, His power & patience has been much greater. During this span of time, I've experienced Him more and I have been closer to Him than all the years before, yet amidst the very same span of years I have sinned greater and more often as well. That doesn't seem to make sense. Another one of GOD's ironies, I suppose.
But that's the funny thing tonight. I think I'm feeling the effects of all this demolition, or maybe now it is the reconstruction. Whatever it is, it isn't altogether bad....actually it is very pleasant. Must be a small valley in the midst of this journey of life. A respite. Interesting. I have rarely taken the time to acknowledge the 'roses', little alone smell them. This is kind of cool.

Totally out of context, but a quote from Puck in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream comes to mind: "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"; times like these I can find the humor in man's (my) foolishness. It's like I finally notice the proverbial 'elephant' that has been in the room the whole time. The 'elephant' being the realization of the perspective I have on .....well just about everything as opposed to either the perspective I had or the viewpoint I expected I would have. Like before, it doesn't really matter which, it is just the difference that seems so immense.

Evidently, (@ least by my FB status responses) this is common to a lot of people. My problem is that it seems like I've moved, but my family are basically the same & now I have to fight back the feeling of superiority & that despicable 'holier than thou' feeling that I cannot stand in other people. But here it sits with me like an unwanted guest. A pastor friend of Donald Miller (the author of 'Blue Like Jazz) once told him "Knowledge puffs up" when Don was talking what he believed a biblical passage he had been studying meant. Hmmmph...I think he's right, at least with me about this. Humility, the shy virtue, as B. Reynolds calls her. She quietly leaves the room whenever she's acknowledged.



Now, at midnight on Sunday, after starting this days ago, hoping for some resolution through written verbalization and maybe some feedback from a few respected peers, I find mind dwelling on other things; mostly because of a visit from a dear friend over the weekend. I'm not complaining, I'm glad actually. As with all of our conversations, he makes me think of much more eternal things and how we struggle with them within our 'flawed vessels'. I know the original issue I started out with has been placed on the 'unresolved section' within the library of my soul, but I would be remiss if I didn't listen to my muse and write what dominates my mind & heart now. But I guess that will have to be different post....

I Just Don't Know

I don't. I don't have clue.