Responses

It's The Little Things

It's the little things that fill a life. How often we let them pass by us in our rush to be on our way to & fro. And yet it is those small insignificant things that mean so much to us as we get older.

A childhood memory...
An old friend's laugh...
A new friend's smile...
your dog's unconditional love...
the wind rustling the leaves of a tree...
a kind word...
a knowing look...
holding hands...
a gentle touch...

So many 'little' things to be thankful for or to at least hope for.

Psalm 103:2
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.

A Bad Idea

I recently sent out the link to this blog to 'more than a few' of my friends. I wonder if it was a bad idea. I seem to be crying out a lot in the words of these entries. Many deep personal things that weigh on my soul. I think most people are uncomfortable with this kind of 'nakedness'. If I was outside looking in, I don't think I would care for the idea of a guy bearing his soul to the world, but especially to people that knew him. I think it was a bad idea. Too late now. I guess the good thing is most of my friends that may have read it then, probably shook their heads & continued on their own journey all the while wondering what could have possessed me to be so open. Others may have thought it was 'different', but then promptly forgot about it. No matter what my friends or anyone else might think about it or me, I feel compelled to continue on with it, whether it is self-indulgence or something more.

I hope it's something more.

But, by it's very nature it is one-sided. My thoughts, my perspective.....my words. "My"..... how I'm starting to despise that word.

I'm not feeling too spiritual so I guess there won't be any songs or scripture tonight either.

An 'actual' dream...

I was in a hurry....late for church. I walked in one of the side entrances & down the hall. Once I get to the main hallway, I take a right, which is odd because the sanctuary is to the left. But then again as in all of my dreams, nothing is exactly the way it is in real life. A friend of mine is sitting at a small table, I suppose she has been giving out bulletins. The hallway is deserted other than the two of us. But I am so preoccupied with myself, that I don't even realize it is her sitting there.

(Real-life back story: I hadn't seen her in months, and since that time I had emailed her a few messages, but we hadn't spoken. She is a very direct individual, but like all of us she keeps a mask on to hide the hurt she feels. No one that I knew of had seen her & I felt she was withdrawing. I, in my lack of understanding & wisdom, had sent an email out to her & gave the link to this blog right after I wrote "An Island Never Cries". I can only assume was not received well. There has been no contact since. I meant well, but you know what is said about 'good intentions'. I think I'm becoming a master of that. Anyway back to the dream.)

As I walk past her, it dawns on me she is there & I realize she is ignoring me. I say "That bad, huh?" She replies "Yes, that bad." Starting to realize the scope of my mistake, I tell her "I'm sorry." knowing in my heart that arrow had left it's quiver weeks before and was never coming back.

(Words are like that. How quickly they fly. And like for Ahab (1 Kings 22:34), even stray ones often find they're mark.)

Obviously, my arrow was a flaming one, full of hurt & pain she starts her denunciatory speech to me with fire in her eyes. I silently take the verbal abuse, knowing I have no defense; nevertheless, I bite my tongue ignoring the tumultuous feeling to 'defend the indefensible' as it wells up within me. The lesson I now learn keeps my mouth shut, so I swallow my pride & do not exacerbate the situation further. Finally.... some wisdom on my part. As she continues, the depth of my understanding of the pain I have inflicted continues to increase. Finally, she is done. I struggle to appologize again....my mind trying to grasp the elusive answer needed to heal the wound I have caused...

....it doesn't come.

Yet I start to speak anyway, feeling the need to say something....anything....

Then I awake. That's great. Hoping for an answer, some sort of wisdom...just a dream. a regular dream, not a 'waking dream'. No insight. No revealation. Nothing. At least not yet.

This continual 'screwing up' is getting old. I need a 'win'. Even just a small one would be nice. No words of wisdom, no song, no scripture, .....just.....an empty feeling.

But It's Me

"But It’s Me"

(my interpretation of "Me" by Paula Cole)


I am not the man before you
I am the one screaming from inside
I am not the one making jokes
I just build up my defenses
I am not my house, my car, my sins
They are only stumbling blocks along my way
I am like the winter
A sinful cold-hearted man
But with a soulful hope of Grace around my heart

But it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

YOU are carrying my voice
YOU are carrying my heart
YOU are carrying my rhythm
YOU are carrying my prayers

But they can't kill YOUR Spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
YOU go on and on
So when my wings are folded
The silent cries of mine
Will fall into the air and be blown away

But for now it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud

To ask for the thing I love

That I love

That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love


I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something better
Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know

That I love
(But it's me that gets in the way)
That I love
(But it's me that screws things up)
That I love
(But it’s me that is my enemy)
That I love
(But it’s me that holds me back)
That I love

(But it's me)

(And it's me)

(But it's me)
(But it's me)
(But it's me)



I wrote the majority of this a couple of years ago, but it still needs work. It encompasses some internal struggles that I have fought within in the past & have to keep from happening any more. The original song is sung by Paula Cole & she has a very haunting, hearfelt voice & she sings it with such raw emotion. I thought the original words were interesting, but they were obviously from a woman's point of view, so I modified it to fit what I was feeling at the time. (I'm probably one of only 3 straight men who ever heard the song :O)

Running On Empty

"Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne


Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up one-on-one

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Running on, running on empty

Running on, running blind

Running on, running into the sun

But I'm running behind



Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive

Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive

In sixty-nine I was twenty-one

and I called the road my own

I don't know when that road turned into the road I'm on

Running on, running on empty

Running on, running blind

Running on, running into the sun

But I'm running behind



Everyone I know, everywhere I go

People need some reason to believe

I don't know about anyone but me

If it takes all night, that'll be all right

If I can get you to smile before I leave



Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through

Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Running on, running on empty

Running on, running blind

Running on, running into the sun

But I'm running behind



Honey you really tempt me

You know the way you look so fine

I'd love to stick around but I'm running behind

You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find

Running into the sun but I'm running behind....



I have been running. Of that I'm sure. Not of physically running (Lord knows I could use that) But I'm exhausted nevertheless from running in every other aspect of my life. I guess I should be glad that I'm running to something, instead of from something like I used to. And like most that strive for more, I have stumbled, I have fallen....I have gotten back up and continued running....

...but I am tired. So tired....

Matthew 11:29-30 (NLT)
29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I need to lay it all down....

Hurt

"Manner and Means" by Caedmon's Call

The heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of night
The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
The heart is the match to the fire
And the embers of desire,
to keep it burning

I am a shell of the manner and the means
Mine is a story of nothing as it seems
But when we have come this far
And still don't know who we are,
does it keep burning?

When it's over, and you see it with your eyes
Would you rather have the truth or a lie?

I call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
I call the snakes to come and slowly from the brush
I need a massive overhaul
A revival to fall,
to keep it burning

The heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
And my heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
The heart is the dream, and the kiss
That there could be more than this,
to keep it burning.....

It is so easy to hurt one another. At least it is easy for me. I seem to be so 'brutish' to people without even realizing it. But sadly, sometimes I do, I just don't want to face the fact that I can be that cruel. Either way I have so few people in my life that have the courage to confront me when I screw up, and I evidently screw up a lot. I have to take some responsibility in that. Obviously, I come across as 'unapproachable' to some. I know I have been in the past, and it's hard to break old habits.

With other guys it's easy, "Sorry dude, my bad".
Problem solved.

But with the 'fairer sex', that doesn't get it. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, no matter how sincere I might be.

Because I can't take back what I said or did.

It hangs there over the relationship (no matter the depth of the relationship & no matter how 'insignificant' the offense).

A hurt is still a hurt.

What do I do?

I repent.

To my Savior & to the person(s) in question. Knowing that He will forgive me and hoping that they forgive me; all the while knowing, even if they do, they probably will not forget. And then trying to keep from doing it again.

Relationships are messy. And knowing I hurt someone that I care about tears at my soul. But I would rather deal with the pain of that fact than to have never experienced the joy that comes with the relationship as well.

So I am thankful to GOD that He cares so much about me that He makes me aware of these shortcomings. Even so, it is tough, I find myself 'kicking at the goads' again. But I would rather accept His correction after failing once again than to be oblivious to it.

Proverbs 3:12 (NIV)
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.

"A Thousand Miles" by Caedmon's Call

I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live

I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed

So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go

I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love

As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me

"Refine Me"

One year ago I was in China, it was the first time out of the country for me. It was quite a departure from my personality & history. Everyone who knew me at that time couldn't believe that I went. Most didn't say so, but I saw it in their eyes. It was such a departure of the person they thought they knew. Couldn't blame them, I couldn't believe it myself. I guess that is what happens when you start dying to oneself.

To truly pursue Christ....everything starts to turn upside down.
You start to care more about people.
Material things start to fall away.
You yearn more & more for Him....to know Him
And it happens in such a way that you can't describe it adequately.

Looking back, I see how far He has brought me...and it is such a blessing to know, really know that He can use me...Me! ...to be an instrument in His plan. Can't get my head around that....especially knowing how far I need/want to grow in Him. And I can't take any credit.... I can only praise GOD for the privilege to be a tiny part in His plan.

....A tiny minuscule part.

But so many times I fall away so far away from Him & His will for my life.

So far....

....So desperately far.

I understand how His strength is made apparent in our weakness.
I want to do what is right,
I want to glorify Him,
but I stumble,
I fall,
I bring shame on Him by my sinfulness.

Only a truly loving sovereign GOD could take notice of an insignificant worm of a man such as I.

But not only see me,
but die for every one of my sins.
And not only that,
but He continues to draw me back to Him to use me again for His purpose.

....I can''t my head around that either....

...but I'm glad I can't.

That fact is too wonderful for me to understand. Again like salvation,
He makes it simple, He says:

"Trust me".... ......pick back up your cross & "follow Me".

What can you say to a love like that?

"Thank you O' Most High Sovereign GOD,
My Savior,
My Loving Father,
My Rock,
My Redeemer...."

Words can't do justice to even our small understanding of who He truly is, much less to the magnificent Wholeness of Him.

Praise Jesus!


"Hold Me Now" words by Jennifer Knapp

From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would You wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in Your love.
I can hear her say...

I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
Oh, but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.

Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will.
To say that My bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your fingers and laugh if you choose
to say My beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love.
I can hear her say...

I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.


"Refine Me" words by Kim Bontrager

I come into this place
burning to receive your peace.
I come with my own chains
from wars I've fought for my own selfish gain.
You're my God and my Father,
I've accepted your Son.
But my soul feels so empty now.
What have I become?
Lord,
come with your fire,
Burn my desires;
refine me .
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me;
refine me.
My heart can't see
when I only look at me.
My soul can't hear
when I only think of my own fears.
They are gone in a moment,
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You,
how can I speak Your name?
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me.
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You.
It's all I can do;
to give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me
Lord,
my will has deceived me
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine me, refine me
Refine me, refine me

1 John 1:8-9 (NIV)
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 65:3-4
3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins,
you forgive them all.
4 What joy for those you choose to bring near,
those who live in your holy courts.
What festivities await us
inside your holy Temple.

John 17:17
17 Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.

June 5,1989

Photo by Jeff Widener (Associated Press).

I remembered the deep impression this event made on me when it happened, but until right before my visit to that country last year I had forgotten a lot of what occurred the few weeks prior to it; the length of time that the people were allowed to protest, the way the world collectively held its breath waiting to see what would happen next, the horror felt when the Chinese government dropped the proverbial hammer and the fact that this man did this the very next day after the crackdown.

Such courage & conviction.

And also the guy in the tank, he could have easily ran over the man. But he didn't. It was a very pivotal time in world history. As I watched the footage again, I noticed how far he had to walk to get over to the lead tank, how many tanks there were, and how he seemed just what he probably was - a common man - with his bags, on his way home. Who was he? what happened to him? What was going through his heart & mind right before he made the decision that made the world collectively gasp in disbelief? Only GOD knows, but there are a few things that I believe to be true of his actions that day.

He didn't hesitate,

he didn't waver,

he didn't contemplate the weight of his decision,

he was not silent.....

....he acted.

And through that action he spoke to the world.

"Unaware"

Tell me how I got here
I couldn't make it on my own
Just tell me I can stay
Cause it feels so much like home
And I lose all track of time
When I look into Your eyes
Your love is all I know

Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me

I'm unaware of all my fears
And I'm unaware of all my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
I'm unaware that I still breathe
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me

From “Unaware” by MercyMe

There is nothing more beautiful to me in our personal worship of Christ than those ‘unaware’ moments. They are so freeing…. So pure. Likewise, I believe there is nothing more beautiful to see someone being ‘unaware’ in his or her worship of Him during corporate worship. It’s so rare for me to get to that point. Too self-conscious. Aware of Him but still too aware of other things, other people, …..of myself. It’s a duality that inhibits my worship. It happens when I am in a state of worship, whether it be singing, raising my hands, dropping to my knees or something else, but I'm not able to completely shut out the world around me. And knowing that I’m ‘aware’ of this fact, I'm 'aware' He knows. But what do I do with that? Do I hold back from praising Him in this visible form of worship just because I am 'aware' I am within a public setting, or do I go ahead in spite of being 'aware’ of ‘me’? And if I do, where is the purity of worship? Am I truly worshiping Him? But if I don’t, am I disobeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit?

Conundrum.

Maybe the key is not to think in moments like those.

Just be...

Be in the Spirit...

Let go...

Be aware of Him being aware of you.

John 4:23-24 (The Message)
23-24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

An Island Never Cries

“I Am A Rock”
by Simon & Garfunkel

A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.


We are not ‘rocks’.
Nor are we ‘islands’.
Rocks may not feel pain,
But we do.
Islands don’t cry,
but we do,
whether we let the tears flow or not.

We are relational beings.
We have a deep-ingrained need for fellowship with others.
That is a fact.
We cannot hide from it,
We cannot escape it.
But relationships, no matter what kind…
…..are messy.
There is no way around that fact either.

So we hold everything in.
Behind masks, persona’s, pseudonyms…. walls.
Why?
Fear? Pride? Hurt?
Some combination & more?
This act or lack of action is not Biblical.
And so it is not healthy.


1 Corinthians 12:20-21 NIV, 26-27 NLT

20 But now there are many members, but one body.
21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you."

26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. 27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.


Stop hiding.
Easy thing to say.
Hard thing to do.
But necessary for growth.
Remember, He is with you,What more can any of us ask for?