I was in a hurry....late for church. I walked in one of the side entrances & down the hall. Once I get to the main hallway, I take a right, which is odd because the sanctuary is to the left. But then again as in all of my dreams, nothing is exactly the way it is in real life. A friend of mine is sitting at a small table, I suppose she has been giving out bulletins. The hallway is deserted other than the two of us. But I am so preoccupied with myself, that I don't even realize it is her sitting there.
(Real-life back story: I hadn't seen her in months, and since that time I had emailed her a few messages, but we hadn't spoken. She is a very direct individual, but like all of us she keeps a mask on to hide the hurt she feels. No one that I knew of had seen her & I felt she was withdrawing. I, in my lack of understanding & wisdom, had sent an email out to her & gave the link to this blog right after I wrote "An Island Never Cries". I can only assume was not received well. There has been no contact since. I meant well, but you know what is said about 'good intentions'. I think I'm becoming a master of that. Anyway back to the dream.)
As I walk past her, it dawns on me she is there & I realize she is ignoring me. I say "That bad, huh?" She replies "Yes, that bad." Starting to realize the scope of my mistake, I tell her "I'm sorry." knowing in my heart that arrow had left it's quiver weeks before and was never coming back.
(Words are like that. How quickly they fly. And like for Ahab (1 Kings 22:34), even stray ones often find they're mark.)
Obviously, my arrow was a flaming one, full of hurt & pain she starts her denunciatory speech to me with fire in her eyes. I silently take the verbal abuse, knowing I have no defense; nevertheless, I bite my tongue ignoring the tumultuous feeling to 'defend the indefensible' as it wells up within me. The lesson I now learn keeps my mouth shut, so I swallow my pride & do not exacerbate the situation further. Finally.... some wisdom on my part. As she continues, the depth of my understanding of the pain I have inflicted continues to increase. Finally, she is done. I struggle to appologize again....my mind trying to grasp the elusive answer needed to heal the wound I have caused...
....it doesn't come.
Yet I start to speak anyway, feeling the need to say something....anything....
Then I awake. That's great. Hoping for an answer, some sort of wisdom...just a dream. a regular dream, not a 'waking dream'. No insight. No revealation. Nothing. At least not yet.
This continual 'screwing up' is getting old. I need a 'win'. Even just a small one would be nice. No words of wisdom, no song, no scripture, .....just.....an empty feeling.
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