USS Hayter DE-212

USS HAYTER DE-212

DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY -- NAVAL HISTORICAL CENTER
805 KIDDER BREESE SE -- WASHINGTON NAVY YARD
WASHINGTON DC 20374-5060

USS Hayter DE-212
Hubert Montgomery Hayter was born in Abingdon, Va., 17 October 1901, and graduated from the Naval Academy in 1924. In the following years he served on battleship Arizona, destroyer Yarborough, and other ships, taking command of Ramsay (DM-16) in 1939. Lt. Comdr. Hayter was transferred to New Orleans 5 February 1941. and was killed during an action with Japanese forces off Savo Island 30 November 1942. Hayter was serving as damage control officer when New Orleans received a torpedo hit, and as Central Station, his battle post, filled with asphyxiating gas, he ordered all men without masks to leave the compartment, giving his own to a partially stricken seaman. After clearing the compartment of all personnel, Lt. Cmdr. Hayter was finally overcome by the fumes. For this extraordinary act of heroism, he was posthumously awarded the Navy Cross.
USS Hayter (APD-80)
ex
USS Hayter (DE-212) (1944 - 1945)

DE-212 (Destroyer Escort)
displacement 1400 tons; length 306'; beam 36'10"; draft 9'5" ; speed 24 knots; complement 186; armament 3 3-inch gins, 3 21-inch torpedo tubes, 2 depth charge tracks, 8 depth charge projectors, 1 depth charge projector (hedge hog), class Buckley)

International Radio Call Sign:
NZHB

November

Zulu

Hotel

Bravo





USS Hayter (DE-212) was launched by Charleston Navy Yard, Charleston, S.C., 11 November 1943; sponsored by Mrs. Maurine K. Hayter, widow of the namesake; and commissioned at Charleston 16 March 1944, Lt. Comdr. Harold H. Theriault in command.

Hayter departed Charleston 7 April 1944 for shakedown training off Bermuda, and subsequently was asigned to an escort division for Atlantic duty at the end of May. Between 1 June and 30 November 1944 she made three voyages to Europe, two from Norfolk to Bizerte and one from Casco, Maine, to Bizerte. During the voyages Hayter provided anti-submarine protection and transferred the division doctor to many merchant ships in the convoy needing medical assistance.

After spending the month of December in the Boston Navy Yard, Hayter sailed 2 January 1945 on a special duty in the Atlantic, with other units of Escort Division 62. Their assignment—to find and sink German submarine U-248, which had been sending vital weather reports to Axis units from the Azores area. The ships conducted several search sweeps before a HF/DF fix pointed the escorts in the right direction at 0647 on 16 January. At 0908, Hayter made a sound contact on the submarine, and after a series of five depth charge patterns lasting two hours, of which Hayter made two, "clothing, books, flesh and debris" appeared on the surface. Hayter patrolled the Azores for another week before joining a convoy screen for the voyage back to Norfolk, arriving 5 February 1945.

Departing Casco Bay 17 March, Hayter and three other escorts proceeded into the north Atlantic for anti-submarine sweeps southeast of newfoundland. The ships made a depth charge attack 18 March, but the contact was classified non-submarine. The group returned to Argentia, Newfoundland, from their second sweep on 14 April. Five days later, the group got underway for an anti-submarine barrier patrol, cruising between escort carriers Bogue and Core. On 23 April, a Grumman TBF-1 "Avenger" torpedo bomber from Bogue, piloted by Lt. William W. South, made contact with a U-boat attempting to close the aircraft carrier. He dropped depth charges, driving the U-boat underwater but the escorts could not pick up the contact.

The next morning, just after Frederick C. Davis (DE-136) reported contact on her starboard bow, a T5 homing torpedo struck that escort on the port side amidships, breaking the warship in half. As Hayter maeuvered to attack, Davis was struck by As the stricken ship settled and sank Hayter began rescue operations, and despite rough seas, sharks, and the threat of further attacks, managed to save 65 survivors and recover 12 of the 126 dead. Three of the survivors were revived by artificial respiration given by members of Hayter's crew.

In the meantime, eight other escorts closed the scene and hammered the area with active sonar, hedgehogs and depth charges. After a long, ten hour hunt, luck ran out for U-546 and a hedgehog strike from Flaherty (*) blew the U-boat to the surface. Shattered with gunfire, the U-boat quickly sank, leaving 33 survivors to be pulled out of the water.

Hayter arrived Argentia 6 May and sailed two days later for Philadelphia Navy Yard via Boston. She arrived 22 May and began her conversion to high speed transport, her designation becoming APD-80 on 1 June 1945.

Emerging as a high speed transport, Hayter departed Philadelphia 13 August 1945 for her refresher training off Guantanamo Bay. She subsequently operated out of Norfolk and Newport in training operations until 30 October, when she departed Norfolk for Jacksonville, Fla. At Jacksonville, Hayter was placed in the Reserve Fleet at Green Cove Springs, decommissioned 19 March 1946, and was later moved to the Texas group, where she remained until struck 1 December 1966.


Awards, Citations and Campaign Ribbons:
Precedence of awards is from top to bottom

American Campaign Medal

Europe-Africa-Middle East Campaign Medal

World War II Victory Medal


Fate: To South Korea 23 July 1967, renamed ROKS Chun Nam (PG-86)
stricken and scrapped in 1986.

Sources:
http://www.history.navy.mil/danfs/h4/hayter.htm
http://www.navsource.org/archives/06/212.htm
Joe Bergen USS Hayter web site

Spinning Hands

My days, as with everyone are tracked by the passage of time. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes & seconds. But that's not how I comprehend my existence. Yes, I am trapped within time just as everyone else, bound by its laws and at least aware of its actuality, but I cannot grasp the passage of time as units of measure. I mark my 'time' on this earth with experiences. Like landmarks as indicators of where I've been, where I'm at, & where I'm going, my experiences are indicators of my lifetime.

That is why I can't tell if I have done something 2 days ago as opposed to 2 weeks ago or 2 months to 2 years ago. It is the events that 'count' my time.

Release

I see the world

Feel the chill

Which way to go

Windowsill

I see the words

on a rocking horse of time

I see the birds in the rain...

oh.....

oh.....

oh.....

oh.....

Oh dear dad

can you see me now?

I am myself

like you somehow

I'll ride the wave

where it takes me..........

I'll hold the pain...

Release me.........

Oh.....

oh.....

oh.....

oh.....

Oh dear Dad

can you see me now?

I am myself

like you somehow

I'll wait up in the dark

for you to speak to me.......

I'll open up......

Release me!

Release me!

Release me!

Release me!

Oh......

oh......

oh......

oh......

oh.....


"Release" by Pearl Jam

Fighting with GOD

"You do not truly know someone until you fight them." Seraph (a character from the "Matrix: Reloaded)

I think about how I 'see' GOD now as opposed to how I 'saw' Him 'back in the day'. And although I continue to struggle with my old views of Him fairly often, I am thankful for the GOD I have come to know. The difference is quite astounding to me. He always seemed so far removed from me, I never thought to talk to Him.

He is so much more than I can comprehend, yet with each passing year my understanding of Him continues to grow and I find that I really like this GOD of the universe. 'He loves me, this I know', but in His love....in His omniscience, He 'messes' with me; He spins my world about, He does the 'unexpected', He frustrates my plans, He makes life difficult....but it all seems to give me a better understanding of 'who' He truly is and to bring me ever closer to this 'dangerous, yet good' being. I think I have an insight now to Jacob, only I guess I must wait on my new name.

"What do you want?"

It's a question I never used to allow myself to contemplate. Now, the voice that asks that question is becoming ever more loud and persistent. Like the tide coming in, it comes and goes, and comes again returning with more force and power than before. And deep down I welcome it, but there is a part of me that resists. But that side of me, 'my mind', has been in control for so many years that it seems to be growing weary from the weight of resisting what I believe is GOD. He speaks through the other part of me, what I call 'my soul'. It is yearning for something more, and it is gaining courage, yet I still doubt it and am scared as hell. And because of that my mind has not listened to it, I would never looked its way. So, the comfort of 'the familiar' has continued to pull at me with its seductive call. It was known, manageable. It didn't scare me because I knew I could deal with it.

But I know there is something more.....something more not just 'for' me, but .....I don't know....but there has to be 'more'. But what is it? How do I fit in?

The story of my life; is it a 'good' one? What am I writing on its pages? Do I matter? Do I 'measure up'? Do I have 'what it takes' to be who I can be?

I want to matter. I want to make a difference. To prove that GOD wasn't wrong in allowing me to take up space on this earth. Wouldn't that be something? To make an impact on other people's lives, not just my friends and family. And not just a difference, but a positive influence. And not I'm not talking about being famous either, although I must admit I have a hard time keeping my motivations pure.

What happens tomorrow? I'll wake up, probably go to church, smile at people, talk to a few, leave, do some chores around the house and/or ride my bike, etc. Nothing wrong with any of that, but that is what I usually do. I want more, to do more, not in quantity but in quality, I want to be more.

But what does that look like? How does that come about? What do I need to do? Why am I even thinking this? There is so much more than I want to write....to ask. But for now....

There is more out there. I will strive to understand; to change, to be the man I can be. The one GOD wants me to be. But it is a process. And it won't happen overnight. But it can start.

Self Addiction

Isn't that what we all suffer from? Even if we don't know or acknowledge it. Everything we do is directed and/or motivated by our own 'wants'.

Dancing (with GOD)

Excerpt from “Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road” by Donald Miller

“I was raised to believe that the quality of a man's life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not by his heart's knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or acadamia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler. The gospel, the very good news, is simple, but this is the gate, the trail head. Ironing out faithless creases is toilsome labor. God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers. Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not as graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign.”


I believe I have a kindred spirit with Donald Miller

Diogene's Lamp

In my arrogant if not foolish quest to be able to withstand Diogene's lamp, I find myself to be Paul Simon's "Boxer" at the base of the hill behind Sisyphus's bolder......once again.

"The Boxer" written by Paul Simon

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station running scared

Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Lie la lie ...

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

Lie la lie ...

Then I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me
Bleeding me, going home

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that layed him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

Lie la lie ...

To Whom Else Would I Go?

^{Luke 15:17-21
17} “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger!
¹⁸ I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you,
¹⁹ and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

²⁰ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

²¹ His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

How many times will I have I came to my senses & still wandered away again? Or have I ever really been 'enlightened' at all? When will I come to my senses 'once & for all'? Is that possible? There seems to be such a finality to the prodigal son story. One pivotal turning point. No 'retuning to the old ways'. Not perfect. Just past that particular trial, issue, sin....whatever. Is that possible?

Father,

Do You see me? I'm a long way off. I've been out here so many times, how could You take me back? Do You see me? Do You really love me? Why can't I accept that? That question alone would have people thinking I don't believe in You, that I'm lost, going to Hell. Yet, You know me. Your presence has been so real & overwhelming to me at times that I could only fall to my knees in awe & gratefulness. But here I am. Cold. Alone. Confused. Desperate.

Why is it that I can't believe in Love? Or is it as Bono sings:

"It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me..."

He seems to understand it but still pleading to believe it as well.

"O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above...."

Yes, I am pleading for GOD to save me from myself. Today, as much or maybe more than ever.

....but alas, unlike many times before, the words of that song bring me little comfort today. I guess I'm too much into 'this feeling'. I have a friend that is dying....he might have already passed away. Cancer. And though I'm sad about that, I'm angry & frustrated w/myself about so many other things too. So many thoughts & feelings swirling in & around me. I am 'addicted to self' as Donald Miller puts it. Impending loss of a friend, loss of a close friendship, expectations of my small group, family health & relationship issues, uncertainty & lack of passion with my job, my own lack of faith, my own fallibility.....me,me,me. I get so sick of me. But what do I do? I can't deny what I feel. I feel like I'm in a room on a bucking bronco in the midst of a hurricane and the walls are closing in. Where does this come from? I know I go to extremes, last weekend I was on top of the world, the week before; the doldrums, now back again. I know I have embraced this trait about myself....but today....today it is too much. But why? I'm not dealing w/isolation like some are....but then again maybe I am, albeit in a different way. A subtle prison of my own choosing, not so obvious, yet the walls have been built one imperceptible brick at a time until...

....until I find myself paralyzed and surrounded by those bricks of doubt held together by the mortar of fear.

Again I ramble.... No thought finished before another takes hold....

The human condition.....miserable worm or a carefree clown. I love being me (He is 'growing' me)....I hate being me (I failed again!). Back & forth, back & forth, etc. C.S. Lewis said GOD was 'tearing down walls instead of hanging pictures' in his soul. I find that to be true with me too, but sometimes my walls seem to be made of reinforced steel & titanium encircling my stony, yet fleshy heart. It has to have some flesh because it wouldn't hurt this bad if it wasn't. Maybe there is a small glimmer of hope. Yet the walls are defiant, resistant to what......to Who I really need.

But what of the cost? Am I willing to consider the cost? Yes, He died for me, but I must carry my own cross to truly follow Him.

^{Luke 14:26-28a}

²⁶ “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁷ And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.
²⁸ But don’t begin until you count the cost."

Will I? What other choice do really have now?

^{John 6:67-69}

⁶⁷ Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”

⁶⁸ Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.

⁶⁹ We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.”

A Realization

The air had that medicine stale scent that hospitals permeate. The small room was bland but functional. The soft beeps and rhythmic noises of the machines reverberated around us resonating within our souls that it would not be much longer.
My family gathered around the bed where my father lay. He knew he would be leaving us soon. So, in his giving way with our mother by his side, he gave us all encouraging words that we could take with us after he passed. I can't remember exactly what he said to my brother, his wife or my sister, but I do remember him telling them to accept any opportunity to advance in their jobs and such.
But then he looked at me. And he said "I don't need to tell you anything." Being the dutiful son I accepted his words, not fully comprehending what he meant. At the time I felt honored that he felt like I was going to be okay & that he didn't need to leave me with any nugget of wisdom or bit of encouragement.
Later, I felt shortchanged, like he assumed I knew more than I did when I didn't have a clue. About life, being a man, countless other answers to questions he evidently thought I knew & understood.
Alone I screamed out:

"Why didn't you tell me?!!!"

"Why didn't you warn me about this?!!!!"

"Why couldn't you have prepared me for what was to come?"

I spent most of my life 'faking it', appearing as if I knew what was going on, that I was 'cool' & had the answers. Just keep the ambiguity flowing, a knowing smile, evasive answers to questions - asked & unasked; in short; lies.
I was lying to others, to myself.....to GOD. Too prideful...too scared to ask any of the questions that churned deep within my soul. The truth is, I rarely even asked the surface level, mundane questions, so the deep important ones were never considered.
So I pushed everything down....down.....down so that only a numb shell of a man was left, going through the motions of everyday life. Never letting known the turmoil that followed me so close behind, biding its time until I would have to face the enormity of it all....the bitter truth & all the baggage that went with it:

Did I have what it took?

Would I live up to the expectations?

Did I 'measure up'?

I didn't know.

I just didn't know.

Now, it seems to me that maybe he was trying to answer my unasked questions. Could he have possibly gave me his reply through what he didn't say? That he saw something in me that I could not. Something I still question, as I believe most men do if they were to be honest.

That I did have what it took.

I could live up to expectations.

I 'measured' up.

So it has taken me over 13 years to wonder if he was trying in his own humble way, to bestow upon me the very thing I thought I was lacking.

That he knew me.

That he was proud of me.

And that he respected me.

If that is true, then that is comforting and reassuring. Validating.

"In Too Deep"

I wonder if I can truly change, be the man I should be whoever/whatever that is. I hear a sermon, read a book, or have a dream that shakes my core, makes me 'see' things differently, inspires me to be 'more' than what I am.

But all too quickly that invigorating feeling and passion to change which burned so intensely ebbs away. Then I start to wonder if I was just 'caught up in the moment' and got some foolish notion of grandeur, a dream that I need to wake up from or was I asleep the whole time before it and it wasn't a misguided belief or dream but a glimpse of what really could and should be.

The wise advice of my dad would come in handy 'bout now. But could he have advised me objectively? Doesn't really matter does it?

Just as well, it seems I've always tried to look to others for answers, afraid to trust myself (for good reason most of the time), but more importantly, I am continually afraid and/or too hard-headed to trust GOD.

"A great fool in my life I have been, have squandered 'til pallid and thin, hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win..."
(from Jennifer Knapp's "Martyrs and Thieves")

My GOD and Father,
I think I think too much sometimes. I don't want to surf the in the wake of Your magnificence, I want to dive in to the depths, to see You, to drink You in, to experience You on a deeper level. But when I make the attempt I barely make it below what I perceive to be the surface and it becomes too much for me to bear, and to understand any of it is beyond my mortal mind. I struggle for 'normalcy' like a drowning man fights for air; I thrash and spin trying to get away from the very thing that I dove into with such abandon! I'm in too deep!

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
all this time, I still remember everything you said.
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?

Listen, you know I love you, but I just cant take this,
you know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
oh, you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go through me,
but I don't know why.

(an excerpt taken out of context from Genesis's "In Too Deep")

I Confess.....

Christians often wonder why so many people do not believe in Jesus as the Son of GOD. I think one reason is us (Christians), especially here in America. We rarely live what Jesus taught. I’m reading a book called “Blue like Jazz” and part of it (Chapter 11: Confession) tells of where this Christian guy had went to a well known liberal arts college in the Northwest that was very anti-Christian. Each year they have a 3-day weekend party to blow off steam before finals. I’ll let his words set this up; his name is Donald Miller and is challenging me to live what I say I believe:

“Each year at Reed* they have a festival call Ren Fayre. They shut down the campus so students can party. Security keeps the authorities away, and everybody gets pretty drunk and high, and some people get naked..”

Him and his other Christian friends (there were only 6 of them total) decided to build a confessional in the middle of this debauchery. You might be thinking they were doing it to take confessions of all the ‘sinners’ there. They did not. They made it so they could confess to the rest of the students there. Here is one of his friend’s words when they were discussing the idea explaining why they, the Christians were going to confess to the unbelievers instead of the other way around:

“as followers of Jesus, we have not been very loving; we have been bitter, and for that we are sorry. We will apologize for the Crusades, we will apologize for televangelists, we will apologize for neglecting the poor and the lonely, we will ask them to forgive us, and we will tell them that in our selfishness, we have misrepresented Jesus on this campus. We will tell people who come into the booth that Jesus loves them.”

As a follower of Jesus, those words & the ones that followed hit me square between the eyes, so I decided to confess to you: believers, unbelievers, as well as GOD.

That I have failed to be Christ-like in situations where there might be repercussions for it.
That I turn the channel every time I see the commercials for feeding the poor across the world.
That I am careful to say and do the ‘right’ things when I’m around others.
That I don’t spend time with my family because I think they are not as ‘cool’ as my friends.
That I lash out instead of turning the other cheek when I’m offended or threatened.
That I think I am better than others because they don’t seem as smart, cool, or as happy as I make myself out to be.
For my mixed & ulterior motives for anything I do that might be construed as good.
For being quiet when I should speak.
For speaking when I should remain silent.
For not living up to the words I speak or write.
For only giving lip service or money to worthy causes.
For ignoring or looking down on people in need because they were not like me.
For standing in judgment of judgmental churches and people.
For being religious and not loving.
For feeling and thinking about worthy things, but not doing.
For assuming I know what other people are thinking.
For not even coming close to being the man GOD wants me to be.
For not following through on my good intentions.
For following through with my good intentions.
For my lack of courage.
For my arrogance.
For my insecurity.
For my pride.
For my selfishness.
For so much more….much more.

You may be wondering why I’m doing this; you are not alone in that because I am wondering the same thing. All I know is that I felt moved by what I read and I felt compelled to share it, call what you like; a nudge by the Holy Spirit, a blowhard with too much time on his hands, the ramblings of an extremely strange person or worse. Doesn’t really matter. It is what it is and I’ve written what I’ve written. I just hope that it speaks to you too.

I believe Jesus is a person not a religion. He wants to have a relationship with each of us, an honest one, no pretense. He wants to hear from us; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the mundane. Forget the cliché’s and the things we think we should say or do. Get real with GOD and He will get real with you. That is what I believe. Christian or not try it out for a month or two, see what happens. What have you got to lose?

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reed_College

50:7

Isaiah 50:7 (NLT)
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be dismayed.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone,
determined to do his will.
And I know that I will triumph.

Irony Keeps Coming...

It would be funny if there weren't other people affected by it. I'm speaking of some news I just heard. It looks like I might not have a job soon. The family owned company that I work for has been in a trasitional situation recently & the 'deal' that was supposed keep us in business has failed to come to fruition. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but the prospects of having a job this time next month is unlikely. If it was just me, I do believe I would be joyous; knowing that I would have no choice but 'to move'. But I'm not the only one. There are many others, others that don't have the hope or the outlook I have. It's not that I'm any better than they are, it is just the fact that I'm in a different place in my life & I need a change that I seem to be unable to iniate myself. It is a situation that reminds me very much of a situation not terribly long ago of very dear friend. I, like my friend have faith that GOD is on His Throne. He has not changed. He is not surprised. He still cares. He is still actively involved in my life. I need not worry. He looks after the sparrow....how much more after me? Much more. That is all I need. I must remember that tomorrow. The day after. And the day after that. And so on & so on....

I am still. I know HE is GOD.

GOD & His Irony...Ya Gotta Love It!

Below is an email that a close friend sent me this morning. We had spoke at length yesterday afternoon about what was on my mind (see previous post) and he sent me the text of his daily devotional by Oswald Chambers that he read last night. October 13. GOD's irony...ya gotta love it!




Individual discouragement and personal enlargement

Moses went unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens. Exodus 2:11.

Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After the first strike for God and for the right, God allowed Moses to be driven into blank discouragement, He sent him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared and told Moses to go and bring forth His people, and Moses said—‘Who am I, that I should go?’ In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing; then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say—‘Oh, who am I!’ We have to learn the first great stride of God—“I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee.” We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew iii. 11). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision—‘This is what God wants me to do’; but we have not got into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.

Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest : Selections for the Year. Grand Rapids, MI : Discovery House Publishers, 1993, c1935, S. October 13





"...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Jason B



Thanks Jason.

Defining Moments

Most of my life's defining moments have come and gone before I even knew they had occurred. Only in retrospection have I realized how important they were, if I noticed them at all. I feel like I'm either within one now or at the least approaching one, and I think the biggest reason I'm aware is that it has been so long in coming.....waiting somewhat patiently in the shadows of my existence, always there....but not quite. Like a specter....or maybe a guide......or maybe even an angel waiting to reveal to me that it is time. Time to move. Time to do something radically different with my life, with my very being. But what? I find myself not at a crossroads, that would be too easy, a multiple choice question. No, I'm at a precipice, with an unknown abyss encircling me except for the convoluted undulating path of my past lying behind me, obscured by my subjective perspective. But is it unknown? Or am I confusing the issue because I'm too scared to face even the possibility of what it would cost me.....and/or what it might mean to me? I have spent too many years idle and now this compulsion to move has become so very strong, yet I still resist to even look in that direction, so I don't even let myself consider the possibilities. It's too hard, it would take too long, the sacrifice is too great, it would change me too much, where do I even start? You've (GOD) have brought me this far, You've changed me so much...can't we 'do' something now that I'm able to do, something that is within reason? Come on GOD, give me a break...this is too hard...

I'm not good enough...

I'm afraid...

So I continue to wail & lament almost like a cat stuck up in a tree, able to be free if I would just jump...

A Mirror Or A Painting

Sometimes I wonder if & when we try to take stock of our lives in who we are, where we're at, etc. I wonder if we really do it in an objective manner & can we? Do we look in a mirror & see ourselves for who we truly are? Is it possible to do that ourselves w/o any help? I think it is easy, especially for people not pursuing 'Truth" (i.e. GOD) to think they are seeing themselves as they really are but instead of an accurate reflection they are just seeing a self portrait of their own making. But even in my pursuit of what I believe is the truth, I continually find myself doing the exact same thing!

I've have a lot of thoughts going through my head & I can't organize them. I wish these things came to me at a decent hour! I'll get back to this later. I need some rest...sorry for the tease...

A Rant

I’m pissed. Yeah I said “Pissed”!

A ‘good’ Christian isn’t supposed to cuss. Well, I’m not a ‘good’ Christian. I’ll remind all those voices in my head from the past that even Jesus said there’s no one ‘good’ but GOD. You ‘holier than thou’ Pharisees! I’ve listened to all your crap my whole life and believed it, even contributed to it! It has done nothing good for me or the people around me. Paper/plastic lives, mine and yours. We walk the walk, talk the talk, everything is good in our ’christian world’. No more than topsoil. Algae-like scum on the surface of a pond. Instead of diving deep together in the ocean of life, we have stagnated on the small surface of our own personal little ponds, all the while thinking so much of ourselves. What fools we have been! Continuing on in this fallacy!

Oh how I have tried to do ‘right’. Think ‘right’. Be ‘right’. I can’t. The Bible says so. I know it. I’ve probably always ‘known’ it. But I could never break free of the specter of my past of who I am ‘supposed’ to be. Why haven’t I seen this before? I mean ‘really’ see all this for what it is. I saw glimpses. I can’t deny that. Why didn’t I stop & take the time to see the truth of the matter. For what it really is. I was fooling myself into listening to them, to myself, to Satan’s lies. And not to You. Why didn’t I ask good questions? Break the cycle?

I loved my earthly father. He wasn’t perfect…..I knew that, but he did the best he could. And that was better than most. I have been so blessed to have been born in the family I was born in. But I realized a couple of days ago that I was angry at my dad. Angry at myself. Why didn’t you tell me about at least some of this crap that you knew I would face? You didn’t tell me about the ‘facts of life’. I had to find out in an encyclopedia. I was alone. At age thirteen, you told me to read Proverbs. No interaction. No explanation. No conversation. The main theme I took away from reading that? Stay away from ‘harlots’. Meanwhile at church, I’m hearing how vile & disgusting we are if we didn’t ‘get right with God’. And it wasn’t enough to ‘be at church every time the doors are open’, I was supposed to ‘want to’. A bad attitude was ‘unChristian-like’ or not enough……or maybe, just maybe I wasn’t a Christian at all! “ Don’t you know boy? You can’t serve GOD if you’re sinning!” “Gotta be washed clean!” Then you can. Then everything will be alrighT! “Once you’re saved, you are a new creature, you won’t do all those terrible things you used to do. Heck, you want even want to!” What a bill of goods.

Dad, you were silent. Just like Adam. And I was too much of a prideful coward to ask ‘why’. So I continued the cycle. You grew up following the depression, your dad died when you were six. You didn’t have a strong positive male role model, mentor, or confidant. So the cycle started. Yours was ‘the greatest generation’ and in a lot of ways I agree. But with that came a huge responsibility. You wanted the best for your children, like any generation. But how to give them that and teach them the lessons you learned through the hardships your generation faced? So you did the best you could, but we couldn’t relate to you because we grew up in the midst of the blessings you received for the character your generation showed during all of your hardships. So like the spoiled children we were/are, we acted out. Each mini-generation thinks itself smarter & better than the one before. How arrogant we have become. How self-involved. How foolish.

What’s my excuse? I have none. None of us do. Every generation, every person has their own struggles, hardships, obstacles, challenges & sins to overcome. But we can’t do it alone. We don’t have to. I don’t have to. I know I’m just as guilty as any other man that has lived on this Earth excluding Jesus. I’m no better or worse than anyone else. It's only through Him that I'm alive. Really 'alive'.

You put me on this Earth around 5pm December 3,1966. And it is for Your glory that I am here. Tired. Frustrated. Bedraggled. Burnt-out. Unholy. Still prideful. I’m a poser, a ‘Ragamuffin, and a ‘Samson’. But I’m Yours. My best hopes in this life ironically enough is to be a 'David'. All my past experiences, frustrations, victories, failures, lessons, & time itself has brought me to this point. Right here, right now. Now, what do I do with that? How can I magnify You and not me? How can I bring You glory?

Tell me....

Show me....

Please Lord....

Fishing

So many preachers, evangelists, lay people, etc. throughout the years have become 'fishers of men' by using 'dynamite' rather than 'nets'. What I mean is, they preach using the standard 'turn or burn' mentality without the love & caring that Jesus exemplified in His life. If salvation takes place at all, the new person is left 'blown away' by the experience with no idea of what to do next. They are 'in', so now they just make it through life. How sad that so many Christians have no idea of what it means to 'abide' in Him. And I believe I'm one too.

'Never Married' Rant

I had dinner last night with a good friend that I haven't spent any time with in a long while. It was good to reconnect w/her after what seemed like such a long time. She is a single never married career woman, although not from her own choice. Like most little girls she grew up dreaming of marriage and a family, the typical things. But throughout her life those things continued to elude her. The thing about this woman I find so amazing is she has continued to adjust, making the best of her situation. She has been continually been bombarded with factors & events in her life that would make most people give up, turn back or hide. She hasn't. Time after time since she was a young girl, she has cast aside her fears and steered into the wind. Not to say she hasn't had moments, maybe even seasons of doubt; no, even in the short time I've known her I've seen or she's told me about a couple of those, but the fact is, she has carried on with a determination that we all could learn from.

But that perseverance does not take away any of the hurt...the loneliness.....

So, like previous times in her life she presses onward in her career, doing what she feels GOD wants her to do, leaning on His guidance because she feels that where He is leading her.

After processing our conversation, I wonder...."Is she running?" Maybe, as disciples of Christ, I find most of us do at one time or another. Either way, who am I to say? I do think she is following a path that GOD seems to be opening for her because her heart is being stirred on a deep level and other paths are closed. And that fact brings me to what is increasingly on my mind.

The problem she has & that I have & I guess most any single person has is we have no one to confirm us, to encourage us to do what we feel we should. Yes, we may have friends and family that 'are there for us', but it is not the same thing. Let me repeat that, "It is NOT the same thing!" You may say, "As a Christian, you do have GOD, what are you whining about?" Yes, we do have Christ, and He is a great comfort to us. I'm not saying that He can't supply our needs or that having a spouse would 'complete us'. The fact is we are relational beings and there is something to be said for the union of a man & a woman. The fact is we are human, most of us have a 'design need' that draws us to want an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And being a Christian does not mean that we are satisfied. As a married person, are you? We are NOT in heaven yet! Even with Christ, we are still 'wanting' on this side of eternity, that very fact drives us in our day-to-day need for Him. You may also think that I'm foolish & uninformed about my ideas due to the very fact I have never been married. The fact is 'never married people' & 'married people' stand on two different sides of a fence with a gate that opens only one way and one can never go back. This, in my mind includes divorced people as well, but they have other issues that separate them in our society too. I won't even attempt to address the particular struggles that they face in this cold world nor am I belittling their ordeals or the crap they have to put up with. All I do know is I am single, never married and I KNOW there is a difference.
When a person gets married (especially when they have children) their lives are so dramatically different, they cannot remember or even comprehend what it is like to be single. But the problem that irritates me the most is quite of a few think they can & they make assumptions about what we think, believe & hope for that are usually off base. And that is only if they are even aware of us! I guess I have to admit there is something that infuriates me more than that; and that is being ignored or dismissed as a virtual non-entity from institutions such as the church! Crap, this is pissing me off! I'll pick it up later...

"You Move Me"

I have a friend that moved away from this area a while back. But months before he left he searched & searched for GOD's will on what he should do. Everything seemed to point for him to leave, even though he didn't want to. I respected him for doing what he felt GOD wanted to do & not following his own desires though I knew I would miss his words, his help, his friendship, his very presence. So many people think you are supposed to have peace when you are in His will. I disagreed back then & I still do now. We shouldn't put GOD in a box. Anyway, over a year later & nothing seems to have turned out like he hoped...not even how he thought it would. So he wonders..."Was this really Your will? What am I doing here? What have I done? What do I do now?" The only thing he can think of, the only thing he can hold onto that seems right is a book he has written about a short term mission trip a few of us took half way around the world & how it changed him. He readily admits that it would not have been written if he had stayed here. And due to some other issues I won't delve into here, he questions if he should have written it w/such bare honesty. I know what I think...how I feel about it. But who am I to say? All I can say to him is....Walk on...

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme.

excerpt from U2's "Walk On"

That said, I would still encourage him with some words he has said to me. "Take the risk". He has put himself 'out there', he has done what he thought was right according to what Christ revealed to him at the time. What more can any one of us do? Was he right in the decisions he made & actions he did? How can I answer that? I say "Yes" but again, who am I? I cannot be impartial. But, should anyone ask that question at all? Can anyone ask that question? Should he? What's done is done. It is what it is. All we have is now & our intentions for tomorrow. I do know this: he has inspired me in his ever growing & evolving testimony. He has taken risks. And though he has paid & is paying for those decisions, he was not passive. He moved.

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

Oh but you move me
You give me courage
I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me

Here is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin' what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn't budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I'm burning with love
And with hope and desire
How you move me

You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way

Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing
and you make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

"You Move Me" by Susan Ashton


Now my brother,

whistle! laugh! sing! dance! rejoice!



2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (NLT)

¹⁵ All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.

¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

So You Think You Can Tell?

In dealing w/entities such as FB, Paypal, eBay, etc. it can be very frustrating to say the least. There is no one you can call to speak with, much less have a face-to-face chat with when you have a problem. The only option we have is email to 'The Machine'. What have we given up for the sake of 'progress'? Sure, these entities can be very convenient, helpful, profitable, & even fun; but what are we heading to w/such velocity? Remember the sayings: "a man's word is his bond" or "let's shake hands on it"? The only words we have now are pages upon pages of legal documents trying in vain to cover any loophole to protect said company, words that few, if any ever take time to read, all the while trusting that very 'machine' to have our best interest in mind. And as far as handshakes go, pffffttt! What hand? All because we as individual humans are so untrustworthy. So we don't put our trust in man, we put our trust in "The Man". The previous companies along with other behemoth organizations who might not be entirely faceless, yet too big to reason with (i.e. our government, religion, Walmart, credit card companies, banks, etc.) are following (or pushing) the avant-garde close behind. And 'The Machine' continues to roll along grinding its way on to oblivion as our 'so called' rights as individuals are given away at a faster & faster rate taking us willingly or unwillingly along with it. Are our personal relationships next? Or are they already on that same path?

So what does it all mean? What are we getting for what we are giving up? I don't know. But I would bet it will not be anything we truly want when it comes down to what is important. And what is important? I have a strong opinion on that, but instead of telling you what I believe, I think it would behoove you to ask the question for yourself. What is really...really important to you? That is one of the big issues I have with society (as well as myself sometimes). We are all in too big of a hurry to ask the big questions....What is important? What is all 'this' for? Why am I here? Do you think you can you tell?

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

A Waking Dream For My Comrades In Arms

I awoke with a challenge.

A challenge to my character, to my beliefs,

to my very soul.

A challenge so bold cannot be attempted alone. (Proverbs 17:17)

So, I look to my left, and to my right,

and I call you; my brothers in Christ to join me in this quest. (Proverbs 27:17)

A quest not to follow down the path that I call 'The Great Descent'.

Where a man's greatest ambition is to just to 'get through the day'. (Ecclesiastes 4:5)

He revels in being a 'guy' and not a man. (Proverbs 10:23a, 27:22; Romans 1:28)

He calls his buddies friend,

but in truth they are only acquaintances. (Proverbs 18:24; 20:6)

Too prideful, too ashamed to admit he needs

a Savior every moment of the day. (Proverbs 28:13-14)

He stands alone in the midst of many.

Let us not be like those 'guys',

the ones of Thoreau's observation:

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation"

They cower when they should take action.

They remain silent when they should speak.

They speak when they should stay silent.

They are desperate when they should have faith.

So then,

let us aspire to be men.

And if we are to lead,

let us lead with the servitude of Christ. (Luke 22:24-27)

but if we are to follow,

let us pick up our cross and follow Christ (Matthew 16:24)

If we are to be quiet,

let us listen to the words we can’t deny. (Psalm 37:7, 46:10)

But if we are to speak,

let us speak the very words of GOD. (Psalm 119:46)

If we are to be desperate,

let us be desperate for our Savior. (Psalm 42:1)

If we are to live,

let us truly live.

Let us stand on the Truth that sets us free. (John 8:36)

Let us take risks without doubting. (Proverbs 16:9,33)

Let us live with passion and purpose. (Matthew 6:20-21; James 1:5-6)

Let us run with strength and perseverance. (Isaiah 40:31; Hebrews 12:1)

Let us stumble and fall...yes even fall,

but fall on the Grace of Jesus Christ, (Hebrews 4:16)

so that He can use each of us to pick one another up, (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

and continue this magnificent race that we so flippantly call 'life'.

These words were given to me in the middle of the night December 10th. They were too moving to me to keep them to myself, so I shared them with some close male friends. They are a product of two years of pursuing Christ. These years have been abundant; full of joy and heartache, enlightenment and frustration, clarity and confusion, acceptance and rejection, peace and turmoil, some obedience but more disobedience, a few victories but many more defeats... but all of these things brought 'growth', so I will praise my GOD with part of Hezekiah's poem in:

Isaiah 38:14-20

I cried like a swift or thrush,
I moaned like a mourning dove.
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.
I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!

But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.

Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.

Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.

The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
fathers tell their children
about your faithfulness.

The LORD will save me,
and we will sing with stringed instruments
all the days of our lives
in the temple of the LORD.

"Be Thou My Vision"

Be thou my vision, oh lord of my heart

Nought be all else to me, save that thy art

Thou my best thought in the day and the night

Waking or sleeping, thou presence my light

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word

I ever with thee and thou with me lord

Thou my great father and I thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with thee one

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight

Be thou my armour and be thou my might

Thou my soul shelter, and thy my high tower

Raise thou me heavenwards, oh power of my power

Riches I need not, nor mans empty praise

Thou mine inheritance through all of my days

Thou and thou only though first in my heart

High king of heaven my treasure thou art

Oh high king of heaven, when battle is done

Grant heavens joy to me, bright heaven sun

Christ of my own heart, whatever befall

Still be my vision, though ruler of all

Now, many months later I decided to post this here. Maybe it will speak to someone.