Thoughts, images, revealations, I describe as dreams come to me sporadically, but the deepest, most impactful come when I am receptive to His leading.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Slow Motion or Fast Forward?
It's weird. I see people going about their daily life and everything is as if it's in fast forward. Everyone is in a hurry to get to where they are going, get done with what their doing, etc. And I look at this as if I'm looking out in slow motion... taking it all in. Aware.... even if it's just for a moment (because I am not immune to this phenomenon either). Doesn't anyone 'stop and smell the roses' anymore? 'We don't have time', 'too much to do', 'we have to get it all in'... that sort of thinking. Quantity over quality. And it's not just this time of year either. It's all the time. Speeding into oblivion, while being oblivious to that fact.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"Troubled Heart"
by Kutless
A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn,
no one knows his name
One mistake,
now he's lost in shame
Amidst the pain,
you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
A screaming man falls to his knees
His broken heart, inflicts the pain
He's withdrawn,
no one knows his name
One mistake,
now he's lost in shame
Amidst the pain,
you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
Yes it's true, that someone cares
Your perfect friend, never leaving you
Strength is gone and you're feeling cold
You will know the truth that He told
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
By Your grace You repair the broken pieces within
Somehow You take a man and make something more out of him
Amidst the pain, you're not alone
Though you can't see through the haze
His eyes of love are staring down
And He feels your troubled heart
"Mistakes"
"Mistakes" excerpt from Kutless
Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own
Empty reasons for my past
Excuses do not hold
I'm struck with my affliction
An inner perfect storm
Why didn't someone warn me
To save me from my self
The pain is self inflicted
The decisions were my own
Back and Forth
I used to seem to think I had a habit of trying to figure out what author’s were speaking of in their songs. But I have recently realized, I don’t do that at all.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
I look to see what they mean to me. It should not have come as such a surprise to me, being so self-involved as I am. Nevertheless, here is what the following song means to me:
Words in Italics - “Martyrs and Thieves” – Jennifer Knapp
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
who only want to rob you blind.
They steal away any sense of peace.
Sin.
I feel the pull. You do too. We all do.
We are inexorably drawn to it and sometimes we even hold on to it.
So I am anguished by the combination of my human finiteness and sinfulness with my eternal soul. That creates bitterness within my spirit when I fall short of martyring my selfish desires to Christ.
And that’s when ‘thieves’ surround me, remind me, accuse me, beat me down with my own unworthiness….
…. stealing away my peace by keeping my focus on me and not GOD.
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees.
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
as the darkness covers me.
He counts me worthy by His sacrifice on the cross. But the only time I recognize that fact is when I am on my knees.
Others may say I’m strong; somehow see Christ in me, but all I can see is the darkness of my sin.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So on my knees I have courage I can never attain on my feet to ask Him to:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
than I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed
and in pictures less proudly displayed.
My past memories. Failures. Sins.
I think I left them on the altar.
Yet they either crawl back off or I pick them back up.
Or I never really offered them up to Him in the first place.
I keep them hid in deep dark closets in the recesses of my mind.
Or places where I’ve forgotten, so that can ‘hit’ me with renewed force and vigor when I least expect it.
And the others, of which I know quite well. Always looming in the darkness like a specter.
Always watching… always waiting…haunting me.
A great fool in my life I have been
have squandered 'til pallid and thin.
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
for the darkness I know I've let win.
A fool. So much time and blessings squandered. No arguments. A simple fact I can acknowledge now.
But how many times have I rejected that truth?
Knowing the truth, but refusing to repent.
A fool.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid
to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the lightin the light,
I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
So I’m on my knees once again for the 50 billionth time.
“Take me back O’ Lord”
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can You O’ Lord?
Do You know my anguish? My decrepit state?
Can You feel my desire for You,
in spite of my natural tendency to wander from You?
Can You hear me?
Or have I fallen too far from Grace?
Or too many times?
Or both?
I've never been much for the bearing of soul
In the presence of any man.
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
in the arms of a sinner I am.
So many years I isolated myself from those around me.
From GOD. Even from myself.
I was safe. Secure.
“I” was in control.
I was ‘in the arms of a sinner’
But those arms were my own.
No one got close. No one.
Could it be that my worth should defend
by the crimson stained grace on a hand?
Could it be true? I know it is true. But do really I believe it?
Salvation is a one-time decision. Dying to oneself is an ongoing event. Hence our daily dependence on Him. My sinfulness continues to remind me that I’m a man in need of a Savior every moment of every day.
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will
to reveal all of you that I can.
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory.
I am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness,
I have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light
in the light, I am not afraid
to let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Back on my knees. Receiving His Saving Grace again.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
that presses harsh hope against time.
And although my state of sinfulness continues to torment me,
It ultimately points me back to Him.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
"Doctor My Eyes"
Doctor, my eyes have seen the years,
through the slow parade of tears,
without crying.
Now I want to understand,
I have done all that I could
to see evil and the good without hiding.
You must help me if you can.
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is wrong.
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?
As I've wandered through this world
as each moment has unfurled,
I've been waiting to awaken from this dream,
I never notice them until I got this feeling,
that its later that it seems,
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is real
I hear cries
just saying "Its' too late for me",
Doctor my eyes
cannot be disguised
Jackson Browne
Is this 'where angels fear to tread'?
through the slow parade of tears,
without crying.
Now I want to understand,
I have done all that I could
to see evil and the good without hiding.
You must help me if you can.
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is wrong.
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?
As I've wandered through this world
as each moment has unfurled,
I've been waiting to awaken from this dream,
I never notice them until I got this feeling,
that its later that it seems,
Doctor my eyes
tell me what is real
I hear cries
just saying "Its' too late for me",
Doctor my eyes
cannot be disguised
Jackson Browne
Is this 'where angels fear to tread'?
Waxing Philosophical
from Edwin McCain's "Thirty Pieces"
"And what a tall order
Far be it for me to say
Maybe I'll try a little harder
Starting here today
Or just throw in the towel
Lay down five up the ghost
And join all the cynics
Luckier than most
Maybe I'll check out with a bullet...
Would you think less of me?
Or would it frighten you enough?
Would it rattle you enough?
Would it frighten you enough to...
find the place in our hearts where we're all free"
"And what a tall order
Far be it for me to say
Maybe I'll try a little harder
Starting here today
Or just throw in the towel
Lay down five up the ghost
And join all the cynics
Luckier than most
Maybe I'll check out with a bullet...
Would you think less of me?
Or would it frighten you enough?
Would it rattle you enough?
Would it frighten you enough to...
find the place in our hearts where we're all free"
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
I Didn't See This One Coming
excerpts from "Can't Take The Pain"
by Third Day
The second weekend of November started at a men’s retreat. At one point a very successful businessman who is going to retire soon, related a conversation with his wife, where he was mentioning things he had accomplished during his career. She said “So?” He wasn’t being arrogant & she wasn’t being critical, it was just a conversation between a couple that had been married for many years. But it made him think, ‘what is important? Really important?’. After he was done speaking, I told him the question my father asked my mother before he died. He asked her, “Was I a good man?” …He was. But the point here is when it all comes down to it, what takes up our time, what we worry the most about, and what we think is important throughout our daily lives rarely matters at all.
With that weekend lessons in my arsenal of experiences I went to the mountains to get away, but not just escape. There was a higher purpose to my flight. Yes I did want to escape the day-to-day grind, the hectic-ness of always being busy, the unavoidable pressures that come with anyone’s life. I needed rest. But my visit to Roan Mountain was more than an escape. It was a holy quest. And this quest had many hopes & expectations.
I wanted GOD to speak to me. I wanted Him to show me what He wanted me to do in reference to my vocation; I wanted Him to help me improve my relationship with my family, I wanted to see Him more clearly, although I had no idea of what that entailed.
Well, part of my quest had started a few weeks ago (possibly longer). I had begun to search ‘who I am’ in regards to my talents, strengths & gifts, as well as problem issues, incorrect ‘ways of thinking’, sins, etc. I wanted to know ‘how I became the guy I was, so I could become the man GOD wants me to be. This came later in my life than I would have hoped, but that doesn’t matter, I couldn’t do anything but move forward anyway (better to strive for it now than later, or worse …. Never make the attempt).
For the past few weeks I’ve been going to the group meeting ‘Men’s Fraternity’ called “The Quest For Authentic Manhood”, going to a Christian counselor, reading many books that have delved into much of what I have been searching for and finally spending as much time as would allow to ponder & pray about all this new information. One of the books I read was one that is out of print: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton. After you read the 3rd chapter, you go to a website & enter a code that comes with the book, then you take a ‘strength’ test to find out what your top five strengths are & what they mean. I received my ‘top five’ & considered what I found. After I finished that book, I started “Living The Life You Were Meant To Live” by Tom Patterson. It is supposed to give you “a new perspective on your life so that you will value yourself as a unique creation of GOD and know that you were designed & destined to a unique purpose by GOD” through the ‘LifePlanning’ process. Anyway, I was totally placid with my mood, very cerebral: not too high, nor too low, I just was. In the midst of reading this book, the author writes about ‘turning points’ in our life. One of his was when one of his sons died after trying to save another man after their amphibious aircraft crashed right after takeoff. They were on a fishing trip in Alaska & because he was wearing his waders, they filled with water & he drowned. Do you know what his last words were? He didn’t call for his mother or curse GOD. Quite the contrary. With his dying breath he cried out:
“Dear Jesus, I love You!”
…..At the moment of reading those beautiful words, the Holy Spirit came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I have never felt a collision so suddenly and with such a power of His presence in my entire life. And it was so unexpected. My response was so much more than emotional. It shook my very core, the very essence of my being. With my head bowed, I fell to my knees & cried like a man with no shame…
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
And I continued to sob. All the while accepting His love & crying out to him that I loved Him in return. Again & again I cried out to Him the love that I feel for Him. No restraint. Just pure worship, at least as pure as this mortal flesh can express. Raising my head & arms up to heaven, praising Christ, a smile began to stretch across my face, and laughter burst from within. I laughed out loud with joy I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. It was truth. And joy unspeakable. Up close & personal. It was a revelation of a clearer glimpse of who He is, not who I tend to assume Him to be. He was telling me “I love you! The past is gone, you are forgiven… forgive yourself. I’ve seen your tears & know your tumultuous heart; I’ve heard your cries to me, your supplications, & I have listened. So now listen to Me! I love you! I do not change. I am. I love you in spite of your shortcomings, bad judgments, foolishness, mistakes……your sins. I love you. I really love you. So trust Me.”
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you,
You know I do, Lord
Not the answers I was looking for, but the answer I needed. The funny thing is, I knew all those things. But I struggled, (even more than I knew) with truly believing it with such depth. It was a reminder & a deeper understanding of lessons already learned. Heart knowledge. Transformation took place. I’ve often told people about a sermon I once heard about my namesake David (the first true King of Israel) The speaker (on tape) was conveying the truth of how no matter how many battles David won, no matter how blessed he was, how many perks came with ‘being King’, and no matter how many times or how badly he sinned; the one thing that ultimately mattered to him was how he stood before GOD. His relationship with his GOD. What was really important to me is my relationship with Christ. He loves me unconditionally. He loves us all unconditionally. Everything else follows that fact. How that ‘well known’ truth hit me personally & powerfully, alone in a little cabin at the base of Roan Mountain on a Tuesday night, November 11, 2008.
So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only tow roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved
by Third Day
The second weekend of November started at a men’s retreat. At one point a very successful businessman who is going to retire soon, related a conversation with his wife, where he was mentioning things he had accomplished during his career. She said “So?” He wasn’t being arrogant & she wasn’t being critical, it was just a conversation between a couple that had been married for many years. But it made him think, ‘what is important? Really important?’. After he was done speaking, I told him the question my father asked my mother before he died. He asked her, “Was I a good man?” …He was. But the point here is when it all comes down to it, what takes up our time, what we worry the most about, and what we think is important throughout our daily lives rarely matters at all.
With that weekend lessons in my arsenal of experiences I went to the mountains to get away, but not just escape. There was a higher purpose to my flight. Yes I did want to escape the day-to-day grind, the hectic-ness of always being busy, the unavoidable pressures that come with anyone’s life. I needed rest. But my visit to Roan Mountain was more than an escape. It was a holy quest. And this quest had many hopes & expectations.
I wanted GOD to speak to me. I wanted Him to show me what He wanted me to do in reference to my vocation; I wanted Him to help me improve my relationship with my family, I wanted to see Him more clearly, although I had no idea of what that entailed.
Well, part of my quest had started a few weeks ago (possibly longer). I had begun to search ‘who I am’ in regards to my talents, strengths & gifts, as well as problem issues, incorrect ‘ways of thinking’, sins, etc. I wanted to know ‘how I became the guy I was, so I could become the man GOD wants me to be. This came later in my life than I would have hoped, but that doesn’t matter, I couldn’t do anything but move forward anyway (better to strive for it now than later, or worse …. Never make the attempt).
For the past few weeks I’ve been going to the group meeting ‘Men’s Fraternity’ called “The Quest For Authentic Manhood”, going to a Christian counselor, reading many books that have delved into much of what I have been searching for and finally spending as much time as would allow to ponder & pray about all this new information. One of the books I read was one that is out of print: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton. After you read the 3rd chapter, you go to a website & enter a code that comes with the book, then you take a ‘strength’ test to find out what your top five strengths are & what they mean. I received my ‘top five’ & considered what I found. After I finished that book, I started “Living The Life You Were Meant To Live” by Tom Patterson. It is supposed to give you “a new perspective on your life so that you will value yourself as a unique creation of GOD and know that you were designed & destined to a unique purpose by GOD” through the ‘LifePlanning’ process. Anyway, I was totally placid with my mood, very cerebral: not too high, nor too low, I just was. In the midst of reading this book, the author writes about ‘turning points’ in our life. One of his was when one of his sons died after trying to save another man after their amphibious aircraft crashed right after takeoff. They were on a fishing trip in Alaska & because he was wearing his waders, they filled with water & he drowned. Do you know what his last words were? He didn’t call for his mother or curse GOD. Quite the contrary. With his dying breath he cried out:
“Dear Jesus, I love You!”
…..At the moment of reading those beautiful words, the Holy Spirit came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I have never felt a collision so suddenly and with such a power of His presence in my entire life. And it was so unexpected. My response was so much more than emotional. It shook my very core, the very essence of my being. With my head bowed, I fell to my knees & cried like a man with no shame…
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
And I continued to sob. All the while accepting His love & crying out to him that I loved Him in return. Again & again I cried out to Him the love that I feel for Him. No restraint. Just pure worship, at least as pure as this mortal flesh can express. Raising my head & arms up to heaven, praising Christ, a smile began to stretch across my face, and laughter burst from within. I laughed out loud with joy I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. It was truth. And joy unspeakable. Up close & personal. It was a revelation of a clearer glimpse of who He is, not who I tend to assume Him to be. He was telling me “I love you! The past is gone, you are forgiven… forgive yourself. I’ve seen your tears & know your tumultuous heart; I’ve heard your cries to me, your supplications, & I have listened. So now listen to Me! I love you! I do not change. I am. I love you in spite of your shortcomings, bad judgments, foolishness, mistakes……your sins. I love you. I really love you. So trust Me.”
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you,
You know I do, Lord
Not the answers I was looking for, but the answer I needed. The funny thing is, I knew all those things. But I struggled, (even more than I knew) with truly believing it with such depth. It was a reminder & a deeper understanding of lessons already learned. Heart knowledge. Transformation took place. I’ve often told people about a sermon I once heard about my namesake David (the first true King of Israel) The speaker (on tape) was conveying the truth of how no matter how many battles David won, no matter how blessed he was, how many perks came with ‘being King’, and no matter how many times or how badly he sinned; the one thing that ultimately mattered to him was how he stood before GOD. His relationship with his GOD. What was really important to me is my relationship with Christ. He loves me unconditionally. He loves us all unconditionally. Everything else follows that fact. How that ‘well known’ truth hit me personally & powerfully, alone in a little cabin at the base of Roan Mountain on a Tuesday night, November 11, 2008.
So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only tow roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Fog of Confusion Starts to Lift....Slowly...
“No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

What I received was a mixture of a few answers scattered among more questions. Fortunately, I’m starting to ask better questions as I make my way through this journey of what I’ll call ‘My Awakening’. I tried to delve into 'who I am', 'who I was', but mainly 'who I am supposed to be' and 'where do I need to go'. The story of this past week will unfold in its own time. And so will the answers to my questions.



But there have been points of reference along the way. He has brought me farther than I would have believed when I started this journey.....


You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find,
You get what you need”
by The Rolling Stones
That is true, although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I spent five days alone on Roan Mountain searching for things beyond my grasp.
Direction.
Understanding.
Hope.
And rest.
At least mental & physical rest. I knew my expectations were high, but I thought, ‘might as well shoot for the moon.
That is true, although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I spent five days alone on Roan Mountain searching for things beyond my grasp.
Direction.
Understanding.
Hope.
And rest.
At least mental & physical rest. I knew my expectations were high, but I thought, ‘might as well shoot for the moon.

What I received was a mixture of a few answers scattered among more questions. Fortunately, I’m starting to ask better questions as I make my way through this journey of what I’ll call ‘My Awakening’. I tried to delve into 'who I am', 'who I was', but mainly 'who I am supposed to be' and 'where do I need to go'. The story of this past week will unfold in its own time. And so will the answers to my questions.
The fog of confusion lifts to reveal some simple truths...
When I started this adventure I knew it would be an uphill battle.


And I wouldn’t be able to see what
might be coming around the bend.
might be coming around the bend.

......And farther still.
So with a quick look back behind me,
reminding myself where I’ve been,
I forge ahead with my face to the wind
knowing more uphill struggles await me.
knowing more uphill struggles await me.
....sometimes the road will get rough....

there will be dark times....
and there will be more obstacles in my path....
....so I’ll prepare myself for what lies ahead.

Knowing that it will be worth the effort.
1 Corinthians 2:9b (NLT)
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”
Monday, November 3, 2008
Hope
Micah 7:7 (NLT)
7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me.
Psalm 71:14 (NIV)
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me.
Psalm 71:14 (NIV)
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
"3 AM"
excerpt from “3am”
by Edwin McCain (emphasis mine)
It's 3 AM
I'm awake and my heart is still dreaming
It's 3 AM
Outside I hear the souls still screaming
It's been so long you know since my head's been this clear
Just like a ship lost in the night
I just don't know which way I should steer
But I'll keep chasing my dreams
And only You can make them real
I pour my heart out every night
But do You know the way that I feel
It's 3 AM
and my heart is still dreaming....
by Edwin McCain (emphasis mine)
It's 3 AM
I'm awake and my heart is still dreaming
It's 3 AM
Outside I hear the souls still screaming
It's been so long you know since my head's been this clear
Just like a ship lost in the night
I just don't know which way I should steer
But I'll keep chasing my dreams
And only You can make them real
I pour my heart out every night
But do You know the way that I feel
It's 3 AM
and my heart is still dreaming....
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
It's The Little Things
It's the little things that fill a life. How often we let them pass by us in our rush to be on our way to & fro. And yet it is those small insignificant things that mean so much to us as we get older.
A childhood memory...
An old friend's laugh...
A new friend's smile...
your dog's unconditional love...
the wind rustling the leaves of a tree...
a kind word...
a knowing look...
holding hands...
a gentle touch...
So many 'little' things to be thankful for or to at least hope for.
Psalm 103:2
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
A childhood memory...
An old friend's laugh...
A new friend's smile...
your dog's unconditional love...
the wind rustling the leaves of a tree...
a kind word...
a knowing look...
holding hands...
a gentle touch...
So many 'little' things to be thankful for or to at least hope for.
Psalm 103:2
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A Bad Idea
I recently sent out the link to this blog to 'more than a few' of my friends. I wonder if it was a bad idea. I seem to be crying out a lot in the words of these entries. Many deep personal things that weigh on my soul. I think most people are uncomfortable with this kind of 'nakedness'. If I was outside looking in, I don't think I would care for the idea of a guy bearing his soul to the world, but especially to people that knew him. I think it was a bad idea. Too late now. I guess the good thing is most of my friends that may have read it then, probably shook their heads & continued on their own journey all the while wondering what could have possessed me to be so open. Others may have thought it was 'different', but then promptly forgot about it. No matter what my friends or anyone else might think about it or me, I feel compelled to continue on with it, whether it is self-indulgence or something more.
I hope it's something more.
But, by it's very nature it is one-sided. My thoughts, my perspective.....my words. "My"..... how I'm starting to despise that word.
I'm not feeling too spiritual so I guess there won't be any songs or scripture tonight either.
I hope it's something more.
But, by it's very nature it is one-sided. My thoughts, my perspective.....my words. "My"..... how I'm starting to despise that word.
I'm not feeling too spiritual so I guess there won't be any songs or scripture tonight either.
An 'actual' dream...
I was in a hurry....late for church. I walked in one of the side entrances & down the hall. Once I get to the main hallway, I take a right, which is odd because the sanctuary is to the left. But then again as in all of my dreams, nothing is exactly the way it is in real life. A friend of mine is sitting at a small table, I suppose she has been giving out bulletins. The hallway is deserted other than the two of us. But I am so preoccupied with myself, that I don't even realize it is her sitting there.
(Real-life back story: I hadn't seen her in months, and since that time I had emailed her a few messages, but we hadn't spoken. She is a very direct individual, but like all of us she keeps a mask on to hide the hurt she feels. No one that I knew of had seen her & I felt she was withdrawing. I, in my lack of understanding & wisdom, had sent an email out to her & gave the link to this blog right after I wrote "An Island Never Cries". I can only assume was not received well. There has been no contact since. I meant well, but you know what is said about 'good intentions'. I think I'm becoming a master of that. Anyway back to the dream.)
As I walk past her, it dawns on me she is there & I realize she is ignoring me. I say "That bad, huh?" She replies "Yes, that bad." Starting to realize the scope of my mistake, I tell her "I'm sorry." knowing in my heart that arrow had left it's quiver weeks before and was never coming back.
(Words are like that. How quickly they fly. And like for Ahab (1 Kings 22:34), even stray ones often find they're mark.)
Obviously, my arrow was a flaming one, full of hurt & pain she starts her denunciatory speech to me with fire in her eyes. I silently take the verbal abuse, knowing I have no defense; nevertheless, I bite my tongue ignoring the tumultuous feeling to 'defend the indefensible' as it wells up within me. The lesson I now learn keeps my mouth shut, so I swallow my pride & do not exacerbate the situation further. Finally.... some wisdom on my part. As she continues, the depth of my understanding of the pain I have inflicted continues to increase. Finally, she is done. I struggle to appologize again....my mind trying to grasp the elusive answer needed to heal the wound I have caused...
....it doesn't come.
Yet I start to speak anyway, feeling the need to say something....anything....
Then I awake. That's great. Hoping for an answer, some sort of wisdom...just a dream. a regular dream, not a 'waking dream'. No insight. No revealation. Nothing. At least not yet.
This continual 'screwing up' is getting old. I need a 'win'. Even just a small one would be nice. No words of wisdom, no song, no scripture, .....just.....an empty feeling.
(Real-life back story: I hadn't seen her in months, and since that time I had emailed her a few messages, but we hadn't spoken. She is a very direct individual, but like all of us she keeps a mask on to hide the hurt she feels. No one that I knew of had seen her & I felt she was withdrawing. I, in my lack of understanding & wisdom, had sent an email out to her & gave the link to this blog right after I wrote "An Island Never Cries". I can only assume was not received well. There has been no contact since. I meant well, but you know what is said about 'good intentions'. I think I'm becoming a master of that. Anyway back to the dream.)
As I walk past her, it dawns on me she is there & I realize she is ignoring me. I say "That bad, huh?" She replies "Yes, that bad." Starting to realize the scope of my mistake, I tell her "I'm sorry." knowing in my heart that arrow had left it's quiver weeks before and was never coming back.
(Words are like that. How quickly they fly. And like for Ahab (1 Kings 22:34), even stray ones often find they're mark.)
Obviously, my arrow was a flaming one, full of hurt & pain she starts her denunciatory speech to me with fire in her eyes. I silently take the verbal abuse, knowing I have no defense; nevertheless, I bite my tongue ignoring the tumultuous feeling to 'defend the indefensible' as it wells up within me. The lesson I now learn keeps my mouth shut, so I swallow my pride & do not exacerbate the situation further. Finally.... some wisdom on my part. As she continues, the depth of my understanding of the pain I have inflicted continues to increase. Finally, she is done. I struggle to appologize again....my mind trying to grasp the elusive answer needed to heal the wound I have caused...
....it doesn't come.
Yet I start to speak anyway, feeling the need to say something....anything....
Then I awake. That's great. Hoping for an answer, some sort of wisdom...just a dream. a regular dream, not a 'waking dream'. No insight. No revealation. Nothing. At least not yet.
This continual 'screwing up' is getting old. I need a 'win'. Even just a small one would be nice. No words of wisdom, no song, no scripture, .....just.....an empty feeling.
Monday, October 20, 2008
But It's Me
"But It’s Me"
(my interpretation of "Me" by Paula Cole)
I am not the man before you
I am the one screaming from inside
I am not the one making jokes
I just build up my defenses
I am not my house, my car, my sins
They are only stumbling blocks along my way
I am like the winter
A sinful cold-hearted man
But with a soulful hope of Grace around my heart
But it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
YOU are carrying my voice
YOU are carrying my heart
YOU are carrying my rhythm
YOU are carrying my prayers
But they can't kill YOUR Spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
YOU go on and on
So when my wings are folded
The silent cries of mine
Will fall into the air and be blown away
But for now it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud
To ask for the thing I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something better
Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know
That I love
(But it's me that gets in the way)
That I love
(But it's me that screws things up)
That I love
(But it’s me that is my enemy)
That I love
(But it’s me that holds me back)
That I love
(But it's me)
(And it's me)
(But it's me)
(But it's me)
(But it's me)
I wrote the majority of this a couple of years ago, but it still needs work. It encompasses some internal struggles that I have fought within in the past & have to keep from happening any more. The original song is sung by Paula Cole & she has a very haunting, hearfelt voice & she sings it with such raw emotion. I thought the original words were interesting, but they were obviously from a woman's point of view, so I modified it to fit what I was feeling at the time. (I'm probably one of only 3 straight men who ever heard the song :O)
(my interpretation of "Me" by Paula Cole)
I am not the man before you
I am the one screaming from inside
I am not the one making jokes
I just build up my defenses
I am not my house, my car, my sins
They are only stumbling blocks along my way
I am like the winter
A sinful cold-hearted man
But with a soulful hope of Grace around my heart
But it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
YOU are carrying my voice
YOU are carrying my heart
YOU are carrying my rhythm
YOU are carrying my prayers
But they can't kill YOUR Spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
YOU go on and on
So when my wings are folded
The silent cries of mine
Will fall into the air and be blown away
But for now it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too proud
To ask for the thing I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
That I love
I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something better
Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know
That I love
(But it's me that gets in the way)
That I love
(But it's me that screws things up)
That I love
(But it’s me that is my enemy)
That I love
(But it’s me that holds me back)
That I love
(But it's me)
(And it's me)
(But it's me)
(But it's me)
(But it's me)
I wrote the majority of this a couple of years ago, but it still needs work. It encompasses some internal struggles that I have fought within in the past & have to keep from happening any more. The original song is sung by Paula Cole & she has a very haunting, hearfelt voice & she sings it with such raw emotion. I thought the original words were interesting, but they were obviously from a woman's point of view, so I modified it to fit what I was feeling at the time. (I'm probably one of only 3 straight men who ever heard the song :O)
Running On Empty

"Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne
Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up one-on-one
I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind
Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive
In sixty-nine I was twenty-one
and I called the road my own
I don't know when that road turned into the road I'm on
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind
Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don't know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that'll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave
Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind
Honey you really tempt me
You know the way you look so fine
I'd love to stick around but I'm running behind
You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find
Running into the sun but I'm running behind....
I have been running. Of that I'm sure. Not of physically running (Lord knows I could use that) But I'm exhausted nevertheless from running in every other aspect of my life. I guess I should be glad that I'm running to something, instead of from something like I used to. And like most that strive for more, I have stumbled, I have fallen....I have gotten back up and continued running....
...but I am tired. So tired....
Matthew 11:29-30 (NLT)
29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
I need to lay it all down....
Hurt
"Manner and Means" by Caedmon's Call
The heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of night
The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
The heart is the match to the fire
And the embers of desire,
to keep it burning
I am a shell of the manner and the means
Mine is a story of nothing as it seems
But when we have come this far
And still don't know who we are,
does it keep burning?
When it's over, and you see it with your eyes
Would you rather have the truth or a lie?
I call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
I call the snakes to come and slowly from the brush
I need a massive overhaul
A revival to fall,
to keep it burning
The heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
And my heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
The heart is the dream, and the kiss
That there could be more than this,
to keep it burning.....
It is so easy to hurt one another. At least it is easy for me. I seem to be so 'brutish' to people without even realizing it. But sadly, sometimes I do, I just don't want to face the fact that I can be that cruel. Either way I have so few people in my life that have the courage to confront me when I screw up, and I evidently screw up a lot. I have to take some responsibility in that. Obviously, I come across as 'unapproachable' to some. I know I have been in the past, and it's hard to break old habits.
With other guys it's easy, "Sorry dude, my bad".
Problem solved.
But with the 'fairer sex', that doesn't get it. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, no matter how sincere I might be.
Because I can't take back what I said or did.
It hangs there over the relationship (no matter the depth of the relationship & no matter how 'insignificant' the offense).
A hurt is still a hurt.
What do I do?
I repent.
To my Savior & to the person(s) in question. Knowing that He will forgive me and hoping that they forgive me; all the while knowing, even if they do, they probably will not forget. And then trying to keep from doing it again.
Relationships are messy. And knowing I hurt someone that I care about tears at my soul. But I would rather deal with the pain of that fact than to have never experienced the joy that comes with the relationship as well.
So I am thankful to GOD that He cares so much about me that He makes me aware of these shortcomings. Even so, it is tough, I find myself 'kicking at the goads' again. But I would rather accept His correction after failing once again than to be oblivious to it.
Proverbs 3:12 (NIV)
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.
"A Thousand Miles" by Caedmon's Call
I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live
I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed
So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go
I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love
As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me
The heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of night
The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
The heart is the match to the fire
And the embers of desire,
to keep it burning
I am a shell of the manner and the means
Mine is a story of nothing as it seems
But when we have come this far
And still don't know who we are,
does it keep burning?
When it's over, and you see it with your eyes
Would you rather have the truth or a lie?
I call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
I call the snakes to come and slowly from the brush
I need a massive overhaul
A revival to fall,
to keep it burning
The heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
And my heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
The heart is the dream, and the kiss
That there could be more than this,
to keep it burning.....
It is so easy to hurt one another. At least it is easy for me. I seem to be so 'brutish' to people without even realizing it. But sadly, sometimes I do, I just don't want to face the fact that I can be that cruel. Either way I have so few people in my life that have the courage to confront me when I screw up, and I evidently screw up a lot. I have to take some responsibility in that. Obviously, I come across as 'unapproachable' to some. I know I have been in the past, and it's hard to break old habits.
With other guys it's easy, "Sorry dude, my bad".
Problem solved.
But with the 'fairer sex', that doesn't get it. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, no matter how sincere I might be.
Because I can't take back what I said or did.
It hangs there over the relationship (no matter the depth of the relationship & no matter how 'insignificant' the offense).
A hurt is still a hurt.
What do I do?
I repent.
To my Savior & to the person(s) in question. Knowing that He will forgive me and hoping that they forgive me; all the while knowing, even if they do, they probably will not forget. And then trying to keep from doing it again.
Relationships are messy. And knowing I hurt someone that I care about tears at my soul. But I would rather deal with the pain of that fact than to have never experienced the joy that comes with the relationship as well.
So I am thankful to GOD that He cares so much about me that He makes me aware of these shortcomings. Even so, it is tough, I find myself 'kicking at the goads' again. But I would rather accept His correction after failing once again than to be oblivious to it.
Proverbs 3:12 (NIV)
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.
"A Thousand Miles" by Caedmon's Call
I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live
I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed
So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go
I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped
From Your great love
As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me
Sunday, October 12, 2008
"Refine Me"
To truly pursue Christ....everything starts to turn upside down.
You start to care more about people.
Material things start to fall away.
You yearn more & more for Him....to know Him
And it happens in such a way that you can't describe it adequately.
Looking back, I see how far He has brought me...and it is such a blessing to know, really know that He can use me...Me! ...to be an instrument in His plan. Can't get my head around that....especially knowing how far I need/want to grow in Him. And I can't take any credit.... I can only praise GOD for the privilege to be a tiny part in His plan.
....A tiny minuscule part.
But so many times I fall away so far away from Him & His will for my life.
So far....
....So desperately far.
I understand how His strength is made apparent in our weakness.
I want to do what is right,
I want to glorify Him,
but I stumble,
I fall,
I bring shame on Him by my sinfulness.
Only a truly loving sovereign GOD could take notice of an insignificant worm of a man such as I.
But not only see me,
but die for every one of my sins.
And not only that,
but He continues to draw me back to Him to use me again for His purpose.
....I can''t my head around that either....
...but I'm glad I can't.
That fact is too wonderful for me to understand. Again like salvation,
He makes it simple, He says:
"Trust me".... ......pick back up your cross & "follow Me".
What can you say to a love like that?
"Thank you O' Most High Sovereign GOD,
My Savior,
My Loving Father,
My Rock,
My Redeemer...."
Words can't do justice to even our small understanding of who He truly is, much less to the magnificent Wholeness of Him.
Praise Jesus!
"Hold Me Now" words by Jennifer Knapp
From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would You wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in Your love.
I can hear her say...
I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
Oh, but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.
Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will.
To say that My bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your fingers and laugh if you choose
to say My beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love.
I can hear her say...
I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.
"Refine Me" words by Kim Bontrager
I come into this place
burning to receive your peace.
I come with my own chains
from wars I've fought for my own selfish gain.
You're my God and my Father,
I've accepted your Son.
But my soul feels so empty now.
What have I become?
Lord,
come with your fire,
Burn my desires;
refine me .
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me;
refine me.
My heart can't see
when I only look at me.
My soul can't hear
when I only think of my own fears.
They are gone in a moment,
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You,
how can I speak Your name?
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me.
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You.
It's all I can do;
to give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me
Lord,
my will has deceived me
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine me, refine me
Refine me, refine me
1 John 1:8-9 (NIV)
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 65:3-4
3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins,
you forgive them all.
4 What joy for those you choose to bring near,
those who live in your holy courts.
What festivities await us
inside your holy Temple.
John 17:17
17 Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
....A tiny minuscule part.
But so many times I fall away so far away from Him & His will for my life.
So far....
....So desperately far.
I understand how His strength is made apparent in our weakness.
I want to do what is right,
I want to glorify Him,
but I stumble,
I fall,
I bring shame on Him by my sinfulness.
Only a truly loving sovereign GOD could take notice of an insignificant worm of a man such as I.
But not only see me,
but die for every one of my sins.
And not only that,
but He continues to draw me back to Him to use me again for His purpose.
....I can''t my head around that either....
...but I'm glad I can't.
That fact is too wonderful for me to understand. Again like salvation,
He makes it simple, He says:
"Trust me".... ......pick back up your cross & "follow Me".
What can you say to a love like that?
"Thank you O' Most High Sovereign GOD,
My Savior,
My Loving Father,
My Rock,
My Redeemer...."
Words can't do justice to even our small understanding of who He truly is, much less to the magnificent Wholeness of Him.
Praise Jesus!
"Hold Me Now" words by Jennifer Knapp
From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would You wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in Your love.
I can hear her say...
I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
Oh, but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.
Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will.
To say that My bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your fingers and laugh if you choose
to say My beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love.
I can hear her say...
I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
but I'm Yours.
Hold me Now,
hold me Now.
"Refine Me" words by Kim Bontrager
I come into this place
burning to receive your peace.
I come with my own chains
from wars I've fought for my own selfish gain.
You're my God and my Father,
I've accepted your Son.
But my soul feels so empty now.
What have I become?
Lord,
come with your fire,
Burn my desires;
refine me .
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me;
refine me.
My heart can't see
when I only look at me.
My soul can't hear
when I only think of my own fears.
They are gone in a moment,
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You,
how can I speak Your name?
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me.
Lord,
my will has deceived me,
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You.
It's all I can do;
to give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord,
come with Your fire,
burn my desires;
refine me
Lord,
my will has deceived me
please come and free me,
come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine me, refine me
Refine me, refine me
1 John 1:8-9 (NIV)
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 65:3-4
3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins,
you forgive them all.
4 What joy for those you choose to bring near,
those who live in your holy courts.
What festivities await us
inside your holy Temple.
John 17:17
17 Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
June 5,1989

I remembered the deep impression this event made on me when it happened, but until right before my visit to that country last year I had forgotten a lot of what occurred the few weeks prior to it; the length of time that the people were allowed to protest, the way the world collectively held its breath waiting to see what would happen next, the horror felt when the Chinese government dropped the proverbial hammer and the fact that this man did this the very next day after the crackdown.
Such courage & conviction.
And also the guy in the tank, he could have easily ran over the man. But he didn't. It was a very pivotal time in world history. As I watched the footage again, I noticed how far he had to walk to get over to the lead tank, how many tanks there were, and how he seemed just what he probably was - a common man - with his bags, on his way home. Who was he? what happened to him? What was going through his heart & mind right before he made the decision that made the world collectively gasp in disbelief? Only GOD knows, but there are a few things that I believe to be true of his actions that day.
He didn't hesitate,
he didn't waver,
he didn't contemplate the weight of his decision,
he was not silent.....
....he acted.
And through that action he spoke to the world.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
"Unaware"
Tell me how I got here
I couldn't make it on my own
Just tell me I can stay
Cause it feels so much like home
And I lose all track of time
When I look into Your eyes
Your love is all I know
Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me
I'm unaware of all my fears
And I'm unaware of all my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
I'm unaware that I still breathe
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me
From “Unaware” by MercyMe
There is nothing more beautiful to me in our personal worship of Christ than those ‘unaware’ moments. They are so freeing…. So pure. Likewise, I believe there is nothing more beautiful to see someone being ‘unaware’ in his or her worship of Him during corporate worship. It’s so rare for me to get to that point. Too self-conscious. Aware of Him but still too aware of other things, other people, …..of myself. It’s a duality that inhibits my worship. It happens when I am in a state of worship, whether it be singing, raising my hands, dropping to my knees or something else, but I'm not able to completely shut out the world around me. And knowing that I’m ‘aware’ of this fact, I'm 'aware' He knows. But what do I do with that? Do I hold back from praising Him in this visible form of worship just because I am 'aware' I am within a public setting, or do I go ahead in spite of being 'aware’ of ‘me’? And if I do, where is the purity of worship? Am I truly worshiping Him? But if I don’t, am I disobeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit?
Conundrum.
Maybe the key is not to think in moments like those.
Just be...
Be in the Spirit...
Let go...
Be aware of Him being aware of you.
John 4:23-24 (The Message)
23-24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
I couldn't make it on my own
Just tell me I can stay
Cause it feels so much like home
And I lose all track of time
When I look into Your eyes
Your love is all I know
Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me
I'm unaware of all my fears
And I'm unaware of all my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
I'm unaware that I still breathe
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me
From “Unaware” by MercyMe
There is nothing more beautiful to me in our personal worship of Christ than those ‘unaware’ moments. They are so freeing…. So pure. Likewise, I believe there is nothing more beautiful to see someone being ‘unaware’ in his or her worship of Him during corporate worship. It’s so rare for me to get to that point. Too self-conscious. Aware of Him but still too aware of other things, other people, …..of myself. It’s a duality that inhibits my worship. It happens when I am in a state of worship, whether it be singing, raising my hands, dropping to my knees or something else, but I'm not able to completely shut out the world around me. And knowing that I’m ‘aware’ of this fact, I'm 'aware' He knows. But what do I do with that? Do I hold back from praising Him in this visible form of worship just because I am 'aware' I am within a public setting, or do I go ahead in spite of being 'aware’ of ‘me’? And if I do, where is the purity of worship? Am I truly worshiping Him? But if I don’t, am I disobeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit?
Conundrum.
Maybe the key is not to think in moments like those.
Just be...
Be in the Spirit...
Let go...
Be aware of Him being aware of you.
John 4:23-24 (The Message)
23-24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
Sunday, October 5, 2008
An Island Never Cries
“I Am A Rock”
by Simon & Garfunkel
A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
We are not ‘rocks’.
Nor are we ‘islands’.
Rocks may not feel pain,
But we do.
Islands don’t cry,
but we do,
whether we let the tears flow or not.
We are relational beings.
We have a deep-ingrained need for fellowship with others.
That is a fact.
We cannot hide from it,
We cannot escape it.
But relationships, no matter what kind…
…..are messy.
There is no way around that fact either.
So we hold everything in.
Behind masks, persona’s, pseudonyms…. walls.
Why?
Fear? Pride? Hurt?
Some combination & more?
This act or lack of action is not Biblical.
And so it is not healthy.
1 Corinthians 12:20-21 NIV, 26-27 NLT
20 But now there are many members, but one body.
21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you."
26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. 27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.
Stop hiding.
Easy thing to say.
Hard thing to do.
But necessary for growth.
Remember, He is with you,What more can any of us ask for?
by Simon & Garfunkel
A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
We are not ‘rocks’.
Nor are we ‘islands’.
Rocks may not feel pain,
But we do.
Islands don’t cry,
but we do,
whether we let the tears flow or not.
We are relational beings.
We have a deep-ingrained need for fellowship with others.
That is a fact.
We cannot hide from it,
We cannot escape it.
But relationships, no matter what kind…
…..are messy.
There is no way around that fact either.
So we hold everything in.
Behind masks, persona’s, pseudonyms…. walls.
Why?
Fear? Pride? Hurt?
Some combination & more?
This act or lack of action is not Biblical.
And so it is not healthy.
1 Corinthians 12:20-21 NIV, 26-27 NLT
20 But now there are many members, but one body.
21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you."
26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. 27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.
Stop hiding.
Easy thing to say.
Hard thing to do.
But necessary for growth.
Remember, He is with you,What more can any of us ask for?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Encouraging Words
It's amazing what they can do for you. Especially especially when they come from close friends. I believe that is why I feel compelled (in a wonderful way) to encourage others so much. I know how important it is to me. I just have to remember not to seek 'man's praise' and that the encouragement I get directly from Christ is much more important. We can encourage each other, but He is the only one worthy of our praise.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To Whine Or Not To Whine
Sarcasm runs deep in my family. Not one of my more endearing traits & frankly one I despise. But I can't seem to turn it off like switch yet. I'm not wanting to withdraw, but I feel the icy tendrils pulling me back in. My emotions have been like a roller coaster, I thought I was at the brink of a small reprieve, but alas, I find myself freefalling again. I'm so tired of this. If you're still reading this you probably are too.
I long for the weekend, although it brings no respite.
As the Bard says:
"Therein lies the rub." William Shakespeare
I long for the weekend, although it brings no respite.
As the Bard says:
"Therein lies the rub." William Shakespeare
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My Thorn
We all have regrets. Everyone wishes they either hadn't said something or had said something, or hadn't done something or wish they did. But can you really regret something that brought you to the foot of the Cross knowing it was the only thing that could? Regretting it took something so hurtful, so bad, so vile, and/or so 'unlike you'; to bring you to the point of repentence is one thing, but can you regret the act (or inaction) now that you sit in His mercy seat? I think of Paul's thorn in the flesh.
2 Corinthians 12:7-8
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
I have a thorn deep into my very soul. I never understood how it came about, only that it will remain with me until my death. It's more than I can bear. I have pleaded thousands upon thousands of times with GOD to remove it.
What do you do with that?
2 Corinthians 12:7-8
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
I have a thorn deep into my very soul. I never understood how it came about, only that it will remain with me until my death. It's more than I can bear. I have pleaded thousands upon thousands of times with GOD to remove it.
What do you do with that?
Back "Where I Began"
by Caedmon's Call
The grass looked greener on the other side
so I tried to, snatch myself from Your hand.
Caught a boat to anywhere but Nineveh
and, well you know, I got spit back on dry land.
Give me purity and give me continence.
But oh no, not yet.
Like a coin hiding in the corner
trying not to be swept.
And I was trying not to be swept.
Kicking against these goads
sure did cut up my feet,
and didn't Your hands get bloody
as You washed them clean (You washed them!),
Here I am again, back where I began,
try as I may I can't get away from You.
And all of these roads lead me to roam,
bring me back home.
Here I am again, back where I began.
So You have Yourself Your ninety nine (ninety nine),
isn't that enough for You?
Still You followed me to the shadowed valley.
Carried me on Your shoulders too.
I've done the work of Sisyphus,
thinking that I could get over this hill.
But the one thing I can't get over now...(is the)
is the force of Your will.
The grass looked greener on the other side
so I tried to, snatch myself from Your hand.
Caught a boat to anywhere but Nineveh
and, well you know, I got spit back on dry land.
Give me purity and give me continence.
But oh no, not yet.
Like a coin hiding in the corner
trying not to be swept.
And I was trying not to be swept.
Kicking against these goads
sure did cut up my feet,
and didn't Your hands get bloody
as You washed them clean (You washed them!),
Here I am again, back where I began,
try as I may I can't get away from You.
And all of these roads lead me to roam,
bring me back home.
Here I am again, back where I began.
So You have Yourself Your ninety nine (ninety nine),
isn't that enough for You?
Still You followed me to the shadowed valley.
Carried me on Your shoulders too.
I've done the work of Sisyphus,
thinking that I could get over this hill.
But the one thing I can't get over now...(is the)
is the force of Your will.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Burnt Offerings
I started this blog as a possible creative outlet for me and more importantly (it seemed) I thought it might help others. But all the entries seem like burnt offerings.
Nothing but ashes.
Why would Christ choose me to be one of His children? I was a part of his plan before the foundation of the world.
Why did He choose me when all I do is ignore Him, demand selfish things of Him, turn my back on Him and .....even slap His face!
So many others could be or are or have already been so much better and more appreciative servants. Underachiever. Stiff-necked & hard-hearted. That's me. I am such a miserable wretched worm.....
Only the Son of GOD is capable of loving one such as me.
Am I any worse than anybody else? Probably not, but I'm no better than anyone else either. All I have is my own pathetic heart & soul. Like Rob Thomas; I'm here all the time & I can't get away from me.
Only He is worthy.
So why do I continue to kick against the goads?
It hurts so badly... so deeply.... I'm so tired. Physically, mentally.... & obviously spiritually. So tired....
But by only the Grace of GOD I will not give up, like Jacob I will continue to struggle until He heals my broken soul.
Psalm 51:1-17
1 Have mercy on me, O GOD, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O GOD. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O GOD who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.
16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O GOD.
Nothing but ashes.
Why would Christ choose me to be one of His children? I was a part of his plan before the foundation of the world.
Why did He choose me when all I do is ignore Him, demand selfish things of Him, turn my back on Him and .....even slap His face!
So many others could be or are or have already been so much better and more appreciative servants. Underachiever. Stiff-necked & hard-hearted. That's me. I am such a miserable wretched worm.....
Only the Son of GOD is capable of loving one such as me.
Am I any worse than anybody else? Probably not, but I'm no better than anyone else either. All I have is my own pathetic heart & soul. Like Rob Thomas; I'm here all the time & I can't get away from me.
Only He is worthy.
So why do I continue to kick against the goads?
It hurts so badly... so deeply.... I'm so tired. Physically, mentally.... & obviously spiritually. So tired....
But by only the Grace of GOD I will not give up, like Jacob I will continue to struggle until He heals my broken soul.
Psalm 51:1-17
1 Have mercy on me, O GOD, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O GOD. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O GOD who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.
16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O GOD.
"Worlds Apart"
by Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
with a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
I am on my knees
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
Broken on my knees
All said and done
I stand alone
amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me
All I am for all you are
because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
And I pray,
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
I am on my knees
(to love you)
take my world apart
(to need you)
Broken on my knees
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart.
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
with a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
I am on my knees
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
Broken on my knees
All said and done
I stand alone
amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me
All I am for all you are
because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
And I pray,
(to love you)
Take my world apart
(to need you)
I am on my knees
(to love you)
take my world apart
(to need you)
Broken on my knees
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
How can I?
How can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You?
"Everything" by Lifehouse
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
I can't.
and not be moved by You?
"Everything" by Lifehouse
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
I can't.
So Alone?
I'm sitting at home in front of the computer.
Again.
Alone.
Again.
I know He is with me.
But I feel so alone.
Why?
Paul told the Phillipian church in 4:12 :
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I don't know what it is to be in need, but compared to most on this Earth, I do know what it is to have plenty. I haven't learned the secret of being content in any & especially every situation, no matter if I'm full or think that I'm hungry, no matter if I spend a lifetime in plenty or spend a moment in want.
So why do I yearn for more?
I am so blessed.
Why isn't it enough?
Is it the insatiable human apetite?
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, the Garden & true sinless fellowship with GOD wasn't enough for Adam & Eve.
Never the less, these feelings & emotions, right or wrong are real.
And He knows that.
If I lie to myself, I'm lying to GOD.
So here I sit.
And who am I speaking to, Christ or you, the reader, whoever you are?
No offense, but if I'm talking to you, what good is that?
You can't help me, I can't help you.
At best all we can do is cry together & know we're not alone..... Ha!
There is some serious irony.
At worst, we can have a pity party & whine about how life isn't fair.
What do we know about fair?
We don't want fair.
Fair is what we deserve. Not forgiveness.
We don't want fair.
Shouldn't we be speaking to our Savior?
Comfort & encouragement through fellowship with each other is good, but how often do we look to one another instead of looking to Him?
He is here.
He is calling out to me through the music playing through my computer.
He is calling out to me through His creation.
He is calling out to me through the people in my life.
He is calling out to me through the experiences & lessons of my life.
He is calling out to me through His Word sitting idly next to me on the table.
I still feel alone.
Maybe it's time to stop writing (or reading this) & pick up His Word and spend some 'real' time with my (our) Lord & Savior.
Thanks for listening to my rambling, now it's time for me to listen to Him.
Again.
Alone.
Again.
I know He is with me.
But I feel so alone.
Why?
Paul told the Phillipian church in 4:12 :
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I don't know what it is to be in need, but compared to most on this Earth, I do know what it is to have plenty. I haven't learned the secret of being content in any & especially every situation, no matter if I'm full or think that I'm hungry, no matter if I spend a lifetime in plenty or spend a moment in want.
So why do I yearn for more?
I am so blessed.
Why isn't it enough?
Is it the insatiable human apetite?
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, the Garden & true sinless fellowship with GOD wasn't enough for Adam & Eve.
Never the less, these feelings & emotions, right or wrong are real.
And He knows that.
If I lie to myself, I'm lying to GOD.
So here I sit.
And who am I speaking to, Christ or you, the reader, whoever you are?
No offense, but if I'm talking to you, what good is that?
You can't help me, I can't help you.
At best all we can do is cry together & know we're not alone..... Ha!
There is some serious irony.
At worst, we can have a pity party & whine about how life isn't fair.
What do we know about fair?
We don't want fair.
Fair is what we deserve. Not forgiveness.
We don't want fair.
Shouldn't we be speaking to our Savior?
Comfort & encouragement through fellowship with each other is good, but how often do we look to one another instead of looking to Him?
He is here.
He is calling out to me through the music playing through my computer.
He is calling out to me through His creation.
He is calling out to me through the people in my life.
He is calling out to me through the experiences & lessons of my life.
He is calling out to me through His Word sitting idly next to me on the table.
I still feel alone.
Maybe it's time to stop writing (or reading this) & pick up His Word and spend some 'real' time with my (our) Lord & Savior.
Thanks for listening to my rambling, now it's time for me to listen to Him.
Listening, But Not Hearing
"My hopes are like leaves upon the water, just sunk in the night"
"You Might Recall" by Genesis (the rock group)
GOD is sovereign. Period.
Your life has been turned upside down.
Your expectations are thrown to the ground with a resounding thud.
"Where are You?!!!
Why are you letting this happen to me?!"
WHY?!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
GOD has a plan for you.
You want to know what it is, or at least a general idea of it or a direction.
Throw me a bone!!
Silence.
Nothing.
Not even a hint. No peace. No comfort.
GOD is silent.
He doesn't seem to be around, little-alone interested in your torment.
Don't You love me?!
Don't You care?!!!
Why can't you look my way?
I'm hurting.
I'm mad.
I don't understand.
I've followed you & look what it's got me.
I'm miserable....
I don't know what to do.
Don't leave me alone.....
Please.
Please!
Through the silence,
His answer.
No.
He does have a plan for you.
But He is not going to tell you.
His silence says:
"Trust me."
"I am GOD. Not "a god".
"The GOD".
The one & only bold all-caps GOD"
He is sovereign. Period.
No if's, but's or errors.
But as His children, we know He has what is best for us in mind. But "best" isn't always 'easy', it rarely is, in fact it' doesn't even seem 'good' from our finite standpoint either. 'Our way' may be more comfortable, but what good is that? What is comfortable? How does it help others? Can it make us grow closer to Him?
In His silence He is aware of you, He is watching you. Through it, He does care about you. In fact through His silence He is calling you out. You have His undivided attention. He is looking at directly you. With His piercing gaze He is staring you directly into your eyes deep into your soul and saying:
"Trust me."
"I am who I am .”
Job 38:1-4
Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?
Brace yourself like a man,
because I have some questions for you,
and you must answer them.
“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.
Psalm 94:11
The LORD knows the thoughts of man; he knows that they are futile.
Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
"You Might Recall" by Genesis (the rock group)
GOD is sovereign. Period.
Your life has been turned upside down.
Your expectations are thrown to the ground with a resounding thud.
"Where are You?!!!
Why are you letting this happen to me?!"
WHY?!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
GOD has a plan for you.
You want to know what it is, or at least a general idea of it or a direction.
Throw me a bone!!
Silence.
Nothing.
Not even a hint. No peace. No comfort.
GOD is silent.
He doesn't seem to be around, little-alone interested in your torment.
Don't You love me?!
Don't You care?!!!
Why can't you look my way?
I'm hurting.
I'm mad.
I don't understand.
I've followed you & look what it's got me.
I'm miserable....
I don't know what to do.
Don't leave me alone.....
Please.
Please!
Through the silence,
His answer.
No.
He does have a plan for you.
But He is not going to tell you.
His silence says:
"Trust me."
"I am GOD. Not "a god".
"The GOD".
The one & only bold all-caps GOD"
He is sovereign. Period.
No if's, but's or errors.
But as His children, we know He has what is best for us in mind. But "best" isn't always 'easy', it rarely is, in fact it' doesn't even seem 'good' from our finite standpoint either. 'Our way' may be more comfortable, but what good is that? What is comfortable? How does it help others? Can it make us grow closer to Him?
In His silence He is aware of you, He is watching you. Through it, He does care about you. In fact through His silence He is calling you out. You have His undivided attention. He is looking at directly you. With His piercing gaze He is staring you directly into your eyes deep into your soul and saying:
"Trust me."
"I am who I am .”
Job 38:1-4
Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?
Brace yourself like a man,
because I have some questions for you,
and you must answer them.
“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.
Psalm 94:11
The LORD knows the thoughts of man; he knows that they are futile.
Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
My Piece of Glass
(My personal interpretation of “A Piece of Glass”)
Original words by Danielle Glenn & Derek Webb of Caedmon’s Call
I can’t believe that I failed again
Wake me up from this nightmare
Cause this monster’s wasting me away,
taking my days
Everyday I live a bit less
One day leads to another
Even if I struggle in my rage
It overcomes me
It overwhelms me
Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of
the man I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if
you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass
Still this nightmare’s all mine
When I call on Him, He’s silent
I can tell myself when to lie, when to hide
Sometimes I stand for a while
So I think I can do this myself
But the bitter numbness goes on
And once again I … fall
Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of
the man I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if
you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass
When did I become so jaded
Please break my hardened heart
Cause I don’t know what to do
I want to get past this, (be open and real)
Have mercy on me and
Forgive me one more …time
Who am I that lies when you stare at my face
Telling you that you’re not the man you once were
Cause we’re not the same
You’re just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave
You’ve lived my life for me
But I’m no more than a piece of glass
We’re no more than just a piece of glass
James 1:22-25
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
Psalm 32:1-8
Oh what joy for those rebellion is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin,
I was weak and miserable, and groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Interlude.
Finally,
I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them.
I said to myself,
“I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me!
All my guilt is gone.
Interlude.
Therefore,
let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgement.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
Interlude.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Ezekiel 36:25-27
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.
Original words by Danielle Glenn & Derek Webb of Caedmon’s Call
I can’t believe that I failed again
Wake me up from this nightmare
Cause this monster’s wasting me away,
taking my days
Everyday I live a bit less
One day leads to another
Even if I struggle in my rage
It overcomes me
It overwhelms me
Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of
the man I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if
you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass
Still this nightmare’s all mine
When I call on Him, He’s silent
I can tell myself when to lie, when to hide
Sometimes I stand for a while
So I think I can do this myself
But the bitter numbness goes on
And once again I … fall
Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of
the man I once was
Cause I just can’t tell if
you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass
When did I become so jaded
Please break my hardened heart
Cause I don’t know what to do
I want to get past this, (be open and real)
Have mercy on me and
Forgive me one more …time
Who am I that lies when you stare at my face
Telling you that you’re not the man you once were
Cause we’re not the same
You’re just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave
You’ve lived my life for me
But I’m no more than a piece of glass
We’re no more than just a piece of glass
James 1:22-25
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
Psalm 32:1-8
Oh what joy for those rebellion is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin,
I was weak and miserable, and groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Interlude.
Finally,
I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them.
I said to myself,
“I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me!
All my guilt is gone.
Interlude.
Therefore,
let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgement.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
Interlude.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Ezekiel 36:25-27
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Who are you?
Who?
As a Christian, what would you label yourself,
a ‘Martha’ or a ‘Mary?’
Martha meant well, she tried hard, she worked hard, and she was a real go-getter. I'm not being critical of her, but I want you to consider Mary.
Mary….. well Mary was not as interested in getting things done, but she was more in touch with her feelings, and she was the type of person to stop & smell the flowers.
I want you to get in touch with your ‘inner Mary’ for a few moments.
Why?
Why are you here? Why did you stop & read this? Could it be you just happened to come across this & the title caught your eye? Maybe you know me & wondered what on Earth could I be rambling on about again. Or maybe you just didn’t have anything better to do. I don’t know, who am I to say?
What?
You ever think about your feet.
Look closely at them. Think about where they have been and what they have done throughout your life.
Mine have stepped across parts of China, 17 different states, Las Vegas, Yellowstone Park, and countless other places. They’ve pedaled different bicycles GOD gave me over a multitude of mountains across the southeast. And I know like your feet, mine have stood for hours, they’ve ran as fast and as long as my legs could take them. They’ve jumped for joy and they’ve treaded with trepidation. And yes they’ve stumbled. But no matter the different things our feet have done, the one thing they all have in common is they have brought each of us to this blog, right here, right now at this moment. That…my friend…. is no accident. No coincidence. It’s GOD’s divine will…. purpose… sovereignty…. whatever you want to call it. He has brought us together. Maybe we are separated by time & space, but never the less we are joined by a shared experience.
John 6:44a (New International Version)
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws Him,
Any of you remember that Cheap Trick song ‘I Want You to Want Me’? Think of part of that song’s chorus from GOD’s point of view.
“I want you to want Me! I’d love you to love Me!”
I bet the Rick Nielsen never dreamed his song would be used like that. I try not to put GOD in a box. If we look closely enough, we will see that He can use anything to remind us of His sovereignty. Just reminds me that ‘all things work together for the glory of GOD’. But the fact that I’m trying to convey is this:
He wants us.
He really wants us!
Not our lip service, not our sacrifices, not even our works. The only time any of that stuff matters is when we put Him first. Commune with our Holy Father.
Where?
A lot of us are at the stage of life where we are questioning everything. We’re kind of like children that ask “Why?” or “How come?” Only our questions are not from innocence. They are laced with frustration and jadedness.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Is this all there is?
What do You want me to do?
Why am I so confused?
Why do I feel this way? This bad?
So many questions....sometimes they can be overwhelming.
How can we become the man or woman GOD wants us to be if we don’t truly understand our identity in Christ.
He is in us and we are in Him.
Sometimes we fail to understand that before we accepted Christ as our Savior we were like unsweetened tea. But at the moment of Salvation, we became sweetened tea. You can make unsweetened tea into sweet tea by added the sugar. But you can’t make sweet tea into unsweetened tea. The sugar’s been added and it isn’t coming out. It can’t be separated. It can’t be done. They’re inexorably linked. It is a new creation. And so it with us & Christ.
I saw a video a while back about our identity in Christ. I’ve pasted the transcript here and I’ve taken the liberty of adding a few lines toward the end that seemed appropriate. As you read the words I want you to think, really think about the them & personalize them. Make them yours. They are facts from scripture.
Who are you?
What is your identity?
What voices are you listening to?
Let me explain.
Do you find yourself saying:
“AAAAhhhhggg! You’re such a loser!”
“You’re a fraud!”
“You don’t have what it takes!”
“You’re just too stupid!”
Or you might look in the mirror and say,
“Wow, I am such an ugly person!”
Let me ask you,
Do you think that’s the voice of the Almighty GOD that you’re hearing?
Or is it someone else?
Now I want you to listen closely to what the Word of GOD says about the core of who you are.
You’re identity.
Now the Bible says you belong to The King.
You are a child of The King.
You are a disciple of The King.
It says you may approach The King with freedom and confidence.
You have direct access to the The Throne of The King.
In fact, it says you are seated with Him in the heavenly realms.
You are made righteous by The King.
That you are loved by The King.
Do you understand that?
The sovereign King accepts you.
He has befriended you.
He has chosen you.
He has completed you.
Nothing you can think of can define His love for you.
You were adopted as His child.
It says that you are united with Him.
That you will spend eternity in His presence.
Do you realize the fullness of what that means?
You have been given everything you need for life and for godliness.
You are a citizen of His kingdom.
You are healed by Him.
You are hidden in Him.
You are defended by Him.
You are guided by Him.
You are one with His spirit.
And listen to this:
You haven’t been given the spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.
Do you understand that?
Nothing can separate you from Him!
Nothing!
That’s not all!
O’, it goes on and on and on and on!
You are established!
You are anointed!
You are His workmanship!
You are sealed through Him!
You are saved by Him!
You are sanctified!
You are justified!
You have been redeemed by The King!
He has cleansed you!
He has bought you!
You can’t be forgiven of sin without Him!
You can’t be freed from condemnation outside of Him!
You are buried and baptized into His death!
You were raised with Him into new life!
His death is your death!
His life is your life!
You are made alive by The King!
He is patient with you!
He is happy for you!
He enjoys His time with you!
He laughs with you!
He cries for you!
He cries with you!
He adores you!
He rejoices in you!
He believes in you!
He bled for you!
He left the glory of heaven for you!
He conquered death for you!
He is glorified in you!
He is the beauty within you!
He is with you! Right here! Right now!
Listen:
Don’t cheat the rest of us of your contribution by living a life based on an unhealthy perspective.
You have the Spirit of GOD living inside of the one and only you!
There has never been anyone like you!
He can work in and through you in a beautiful and unique way!
Give us what He has given you!
Give it the way that only you can!
Give us what you got!
Give us the new creation that you are!
Give Him who you are!
You are a new creation in Christ!
A new creation!
How?
Now…. for a little bit of Martha. I want you to take those facts apply them to where you are, to who you are in context of personality, gifts, talents, traits, etc.
What kind of person are you?
Outgoing or Introverted?
What do you like to do?
Do like doing things or pondering on things?
Do you like to serve others?
Do you like to give?
Do you like to speak?
Do you like to comfort others?
Encourage others?
Or something else?
Or some combination of those & more?
What about your dreams?
That’s a big one.
What happened to your dreams?
Are they alive or dead?
Or are they merely sleeping?
Collecting dust in the deep recesses of your mind and heart?
Whatever your answers may be, you are that & can be so much more. Just acknowledge & pursue Him.
The Bible says
Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
You might say “It’s too late!” His answer:
Joel 2:25a (King James Version)
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten,
Mathew 6:33 (Amplified Bible)
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
Phillipians 4:13 (New King James Version)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
I pray that each one of you will take these questions, and like another Mary we know, ponder them in your heart. Try to answer them soon. We only pass through this way once. It’s a one-way trip. Don’t put this off. ‘Now’ will never come again! Take a risk! As time passes don’t come back to these questions you’ve been wrestling with for months or even years and find them unanswered or colored with regret. Maybe you don’t know what to ask or how to say it. Don’t worry; we have hope:
Romans 8:26-27
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.
Pursue the journey of becoming the man or woman that GOD wants you to be.
Do it now!